Monday, February 21, 2005

Dream a little dream

I saw Jim Wallis last night. If you get a chance to see him on his book tour, GO! It is absolutely worth your time. What an inspiring evening. I am thinking about where my gift “meets the crushing needs of the world” – that’s how he described vocation.

I’ve also been pondering these dreams that I have. See, I’m lucky to be a vivid dreamer who frequently remembers what I dream. And my dreams almost always are the same: there is another person and me and we fall in love. Sometimes they are sweet, just like reliving dating or a first kiss, and sometimes they are erotic. Sometimes the person is my husband, but not too often. Sometimes it’s a boy and sometimes a girl. Very frequently it’s someone I know in real life. That used to cause me problems, because I’d have the dream about someone and then I’d think I liked that person. It’s amazing how powerful the emotions in these dreams are.

Here’s one from a couple nights ago:

I was on a field trip with a class (don’t know which one) to…a grocery store. And one of my friends from seminary, a guy, happened to be on the trip. And he and I met up by the sushi counter (those are normal in our markets out here), and for whatever reason, we started kissing. And it was the most wonderful amazing kiss. I remember as I put my arm around his neck I saw my wedding ring glint (sometimes I’m married and sometimes not in these dreams). But it was the kind of kiss where both of us just wanted more. It was like, wow, we have to keep doing this!

So the van that brought us there was leaving, and he and I made up some excuse to stay, and we decided to pick up some cheesecake ice cream and walk over to his apartment since he lived close by. In the ice cream aisle there was more kissing. I don’t think we ever got to the ice cream.

We got to his apartment and there were many distractions, including me seeing J and hiding from him (frequently I’m not actually in trouble or feeling guilt, I’m just hiding). But I remember vividly that the whole goal in the dream was to get somewhere where we could get back to the amazing kissing!

And that was it…nothing sexual or super-naughty happened. And I woke up wondering if it would be okay for me just to kiss this guy one time to see how it is. Maybe our lips were made for each other’s. And then I wondered how I’d go about getting him to kiss me (since he’s got a girlfriend), and that probably wouldn’t work out very well. And then I started thinking about whether a kiss is really all that bad for a married person…I mean, what if I talked to J and let him know that it was really just about my need to feel that “first kiss” again, nothing beyond that. Would it work? Would it destroy everything?

I’ve been married for nearly 7 years (uh-oh! The itch!). And I’ve really come to a place where these dreams get more and more frequent. The main theme in them is romance, it’s not sex. Sex is great when it happens, but the important thing is that I’m feeling first love again. That wonderful mixed-up knot of emotions that one has when dating someone. I think I miss dating so very much. I got married pretty shortly after another long-term relationship…I haven’t “played the field” since high school, and even then I was usually in a relationship. Did I miss out on something? Or is it natural for me to just be going through a phase in which I need something fresh?

I dream the most frequently about Joe, my first boyfriend, my first love. I am still so in love with that guy. I think he’s become majorly idealized in my dreams, but boy, do I wish I could see him again just once.

Anyway, sometimes I think that married people should get little breaks, every 5 years or so, in which we can date other people for just a couple months or something. Then we can get all the “first kiss” stuff out of our systems and realize how crappy dating is and go back to our lifelong partner. Has anyone ever been married and done this – mutually agreed that it’s okay, if not to date, to at least try kissing another person? I mean, everyone always talks about how tough it is to only have one set of lips for the rest of your life (some talk about more vulgar parts, but I’m a romantic). Is it possible to just once in a very long while try out someone else? Not for keeps, but just for the rush?

Oh, well. It will probably have to remain forever in my dreams.

There was a nice long one for you since I haven’t written in forever.

7 comments:

Pilgrim at First and Lake said...

Sounds like a lovely dream! Not to complicate the matter too much, but Germaine Greer (in "The Female Eunuch," which I think is to this day one of the best, most entertaining works of second-wave feminism I've read) makes the point that kisses symbolize orgasms for women.

Now, the point may be much more applicable in the context of, say, romantic fiction, but who knows? ;)

The Feminarian said...

I really couldn't agree more - that makes perfect sense. So frequently in the dreams the kisses do cause the most intense physical reaction in my body. Now I know why.

Anonymous said...

I'm glad you posted that. I too am married (13 years) and I too have occasional dreams (and occasional waking thoughts) about others - always about kissing and hugging, never anything more complicated or messy. (I recently had a perfectly lovely dream about kissing one of my co-workers - a seminarian. I must say, it gives me a little lift every time I see him.)

I get mild crushes fairly frequently; I always tell my huband, who is very patient about it, and has only ever been jealous once. (It's hard to imagine I'd be so nice about it if he had a crush on some woman.)

The Feminarian said...

Actually the time my husband admitted to a crush, well, I was jealous, but I could also completely understand why. We even joked about dating our respective crushes at the time (who, incidentally, were dating each other). *sigh* if only it were the '70s and we could just "swing".

Anonymous said...

Me again. In the comments for a later entry, one of the readers said that the kiss in the dream probably wasn't about kissing/romance/sex at all, but symbolic of something else. That is precisely what my husband said when I first confessed (full of hyper-dramatic shame and dread) that I had had a dream about kissing my friend Bruce. "That's not about Bruce," he said with a shrug. "That's about work."
(Bruce and I were working on a project together at the time - a play - and I hadn't worked on anything theatrical in a long time. I was really enjoying it; plus I was going through a lot of upheavel at my job, and the work I was doing for the show was an in an area where I felt utterly confident and compitent.)

It was a good way to see it - it let some of the intensity out of my feelings about it. And he was half-right - I did have intense feelings about working, with Bruce, on the show.

I remain kinda sweet on Bruce. But I see it as NO threat to my marriage, or his.

The Feminarian said...

Ah, hah! That's interesting. Just last night I had a dream about another classmate with whom I'm working on a project right now. I guess it's obvious, but now I understand that my dream probably had a lot more to do with the work than any real feelings. Thanks!

Wasp Jerky said...

I saw Jim Wallis speak a few weeks ago. Definitely worth your time.