Thinking more about marriage counseling

I'm still thinking about that post I linked to about marriage counseling. Well mostly because I got an anonymous comment that broke my heart. Here is some of it:

I'm struggling with my marriage right now. I know what God wants (and what my children need) but I am just so desperately unhappy. God has not been able to cure the howling loneliness of my marriage, no matter how much I've prayed about it--and my spouse just isn't willing, able, whatever to do anything about it. It's hard to honor my vows when that loneliness is like acid on my soul...

I understand that suffering can be redemptive, but right now, it just feels endless and draining. I cannot even bring myself to imagine another 30 years of this (we've been married for nearly 15). What do those men (and almost all of them seem to be male) have to say to me? That if only I were a better Christian my marriage problems would go away? Gee thanks, guys---now not only am I failing as a spouse, I'm also failing as a believer.

Okay, see this is the problem. The solutions in the article, while certainly Godly, do lead to the inevitable conclusion that if they fail then a couple is not Christian enough - they have failed in their marriage AND in their walk with the Lord. Ouch!

Maybe this guy does believe if they divorce they have failed in their walk with God, but that's not a very pastoral thing to say to them. At least, it's probably not going to keep them coming back to him for marital OR spiritual advice (he should at least care about the latter). And if they leave the church, then we lose any chance of helping them find redemption.

To say "all our marriage problems are really sin problems" (as a commenter did on the other site) doesn't help a woman in this position. She doesn't have a sin problem - or, would he say she does? Yikes. That seems harsh - her only "sin" is feeling lonely (and letting it affect how she views her marriage, I guess).

I think there is sin - or at least evil - going on there, but what if it's nobody's fault?? (or the fault of someone who won't change?) This is why she laments. When bad things happen and it's your fault, you confess; but when bad things happen and it's not your fault, you lament.

So it all boils down to individual situations, doesn't it? If a person is already trying to follow God's will and it is just not working, or their spouse won't cooperate, what then?

I think that post was written with a cooperative spouse in mind, actually a cooperative couple (that's a lot of homework!) that's really motivated to get better.

But the sad thing is that most people are more in my commenter's situation than in the one the pastor describes. It's rare that both members of the couple are willing to counsel, and if they are, are that invested in continuing the relationship.

It makes me very nervous to wrap up someone's faith with their success as a spouse. Seems that does more harm than good. I feel like we have more control over our marriages than over our faith. But maybe not.

See? This is the stuff that makes me scared as hell to be a pastor! What do you say to someone in this situation that doesn't make it worse? That doesn't make her feel like a failure - as a wife or a Christian? All I can think of is, "I am sorry. It sucks." But that doesn't make it better.

I've felt this way but it got better, so I'm one of the lucky ones (meds do help). But I've watched my mom be lonely for nearly 30 years, and it's really hard to see. Also, while it helps kids to have both parents, to have role models who have such a bad marriage isn't the greatest. I actually used to wish as a kid that my parents would split up so they could be happier (which in turn would make my life easier).

Well anyway I've asked the guy for a followup post to answer my questions and concerns. We'll see if he does it! If so, I'll be sure to link to it.