Saturday, August 18, 2007

Help me, this sucks

I have really hit the wall on this paper. It just won't fucking end. Warning I am tired and pissed so this post is going to be R rated for language.

I'm exhausted, I'm sick of it. It won't end. It won't stop. Why?? Why can't I make these words make good sentences?? It's become like the Shleiermacher paper. A huge struggle against a glut of information and racking your brain to think of every tiny vocab word that would make for a shorter sentence or just bring that paragraph up a line...

Oh I am tired, I am sick of it. I'm so sad when I look at my email. I have all these invitations to do fun things. There are so so so many things I want to be doing instead of writing this paper right now! Why can't I get it done??

Every time I think I am making progress I realize it's crap and I start over. I just spent 9 hours on a Saturday on it, and I feel like I have only done inches when I have miles to walk. I don't get it. It shouldn't be this hard. I alternate between hysterics and determining to get done no matter what; between crying fits and manic spells of flurried work. And my body hurts, my eyeballs really hurt, my neck and back are sore, my wrists kill and my fingers are starting to numb up.

Uh oh. I can't think of words like "numb" now. I wonder if this is because I went off the paxil. I swear I can't even type sometimes. I've always been a great typist and now I am having to fix a zillion typos. It's like my muscle memory is gone, the whatever neurons that connect my fingers to my brain are misfiring.

And then the thought process - putting these quotes, these other people's words, into my own, it's killing me, and I can't figure out why. Why has this taken me over a week now? I'm pushing 40 hours on this paper and I feel like there is nothing to show for it. I feel like I'm not even halfway there.

It's not even an important paper!! It's not a class I need a great grade in, it's not something I care so deeply about. I mean, I am learning, and I'll be a freaking expert by the end. But I don't care that much about being one in this area. It's just so pointless! I feel like it's a huge huge waste of time and especially of course effort.

You know the worst part of all? I'm not going to get an A on it. I know I won't. This prof has all these ridiculous little preferences for the way you write (how you name countries, that you list dates after all names - which are impossible to find for some of my people) and who the hell knows what else but it's stupid tiny things that he's being nitpicky about. And that's ALL he comments on! He doesn't comment on content at all. I'm already prepping my response to him: Dear Dr. Jerk, could you please tell me why my paper that took me 100 hours didn't merit an A? All you mention are the footnote formatting and the fact that I didn't transliterate properly and/or use the correct diacritical marks (that word won't produce anyway!). Maybe you could give me some sense that my effort was not completely ignored by you in favor of your stupid anal-retentive rules? Could you maybe read the fucking thing instead of just looking for your pet peeves? Did it ever occur to you to pay attention to what the words say???

Of course I know that I am writing this to learn something not to get a grade. And my efforts do not depend on the grade, nor does my self-worth. Right. I'll keep telling myself that.

Meantime, I am tired, and cranky, and my eyes are puffy and raw. And I can't even think when it will end. And my new neighbor is throwing a party with music that is happily floating up through my floor. I don't like him already. I fear how I would behave if I went down there, though.

I am so frustrated. I want this to be over so bad. I want to work on stuff for my ordination, and my GRE, and get stuff going on my PhD apps, and oh yeah, get the house ready for my sis coming in a week! Geez!! I want to be watching movies and having fun, enjoying some time off. I want to spend time with John instead of having all this to do. Starting next week he's too busy to see me anymore. Ugh. This SUUUUUCCCCKKKKSSSS!!!!!

I'm just writing b/c if I try to go to bed I will cry or be angry and either way, won't sleep. Maybe I should take a sleeping pill and be done with it. Then maybe I'll get through the noise, too.

I hate this paper. I hate it because it doesn't want to end. I can't even make fucking progress. I hate what I've written and I hate that I can't get out of it now. I hate that there is so much left to do and I hate that what I've done is crap. I just want it over!! I want it over!!

I try to get it over and I always get too tired and have to stop. Just now I was trying to rewrite a section for the millionth time and realized I couldn't even understand what the words say anymore. I can barely read right now. I am so tired. I am so so tired. I hate this paper. I hate it hate hate hate hate hate it!!!!!!!

OK, time to meet the new neighbors. Ha ha. They're gonna love me.

1 comment:

Ricardo Bueno said...

Hi,

We're neighbors...sorta. I came across your blog through Eye Level Pasadena; Jill's blog.

So did this official rant make you feel better? It sounds like you were all fueled up by the time you hit the neighbors house for the party! :)

On a serious note, I think the problem with university professors is that they seem to care less for the positive progression of a student. They go through the motions rather than vest true time and emotion in aiding to develop the creative mind. Things like as you mentioned, "focusing on pet-peeves." I too have had professors discount points on my papers for being politically incorrect. And yet, they use the term in class.

I hope your paper went well!