Thursday, January 10, 2008

To the max

What a great 80's phrase. For me, it's about stress. I'm stressed to the max. And really not for any great reason. I am letting things get to me in a rare way. I'm having personality clashes and being whiny and generally getting overmad about everything and/or worrying my little head off about lots of stuff I can't control or change in the least (or I will tackle soon and thinking about it in the meantime does nothing). I hate being like this. I feel like I'm outside my body watching this insane person. Last night just to fall asleep I had to force myself to keep praying for people - I prayed for like everyone I've ever met - so I would stop thinking about the worry stuff. But hey, some good prayer time got in there.

So tell me, especially moms, is this just the hormones? J says it is (he laughs at how nuts I am, which sometimes makes me laugh, and sometimes makes me throw things at him). I told him I've always been anxious but he thinks the pregnancy has turned it up way past 11. Perhaps he is right. It would sure make me feel better to think I'm not entirely off my nut and that there's uncontrollable impulses ricocheting around my insides making my feelings go wonky. Can I please blame the baby? It is such a tired yet easy excuse.

Meantime I keep praying for God to rescue me from myself. And if I want to change this bad and physically cannot, that leads me to believe that it's not "me," but it's depressed and/or hormonal me. To have a depression funk during pregnancy hormones ain't pretty. And I've been funky all week (ha ha - ironic since I've been finally showering unlike over break).

I am seriously already counting the weeks until this quarter is over. 9 to go (I'm done with classes this week already - it's nice to have a 3 day week!). I think I hate this quarter but it's probably more because it's my last one and it's not "fun" stuff. Minor Prophets isn't awful but the prof is a prickly personality (there's those clashes I mentioned) who is very inaccessible and I'm having a rough time with that. I'm refocusing that class into a "professional" demeanor arena, where I shall have to bottle my personality, put my head down, and work my ass off. At least the actual work is interesting. And so far, class sessions have been less terrifying than Greek exegesis was (there's less spontaneous calling-on for parsing PTL - so far, anyway); actually, in all fairness, the prof has been extremely gentle so far on easing us into the work. That's why I'm confused about working with her - she can seem nice one second, then it's Ice Queen the next. Whatever. She doesn't have to be my friend, and I think we'll get on fine professionally because I'm a hard worker and she likes hard work.

The other class is Systematic Theology, which I'm taking at home. I don't love that format, but it was the only way to take this particular class without retaking a prof who bored me to tears. And this prof seems cool, his lectures are OK, the workload is really light. It's just the reading - God, what is it with me and systematics?? I want to scratch my eyes out when I read it!! It's so painfully dull! Even these books, which are pretty easy books, UGH! But I'll survive it. I was thinking maybe I was just out of reading practice, but then I read my Prophets homework, which was a history text, and I ate that up. Clearly I have biases in what I find fun to read (and I looooove history! Which I know other people find awful. So there's more evidence of the glorious diversity of the human race).

OK, I gots to run. Thanks for listening to the vent. I didn't even vent on my major worries, and that's healthy I think. I'm trying to let them slip away. We'll see how that turns out.

3 comments:

P.L. Frog said...

It's the hormones.

I know "the baby made me do it." sounds tired, but it's true.

Why are you hungry an hour after a protein rich meal? Baby did it.

Why are you going to bed at 7:00? Baby did it.

Why are you snappish for no reason? Baby did it.

Work hard, but try to get some sleep, too. Good sleep is really important.

The Feminarian said...

Thanks for that! I am getting tons of sleep (I hit the sack at 8 or 8:30, read until 9, then sleep until at least 7, sometimes 8!). I think it was a rough patch, is all, and I am much happier today after seeing baby again.

JTB said...

Hmmm...I remember one day of sitting on the couch trying to study for my philosophy comp, failing utterly, panicking, and finally just despairing. Then Brent came home, in this ruthless efficient mode of breathtaking velocity, and started whizzing around getting everything done that I hadn't that day--laundry, whatever, and I was so upset that I had hysterics loudly right there on that same spot on the couch. Which he finally slowed down enough to notice. And the only thing I could sputter was, "Just--stop--moving--so FAST!"

Sometimes, it really really is the baby.