stupid insomnia

It's 3:30 a.m. I am wide awake. I have gotten 2 hours of sleep this night, and apparently my body (or brain) has decided it's done.

This is not entirely the baby's fault. I mean, it generated with her. I went to bed at 10, but she started fussing the moment I got in the room. So I dealt with her until 11, when I gave up and brought her into bed to nurse so at least we could go to sleep. We did, for those lovely 2 hours. Mostly - I mean, she fussed often, but these days I'm so used to rolling over and finding her paci and putting it back in without much waking up.

That's the key, you see. If I wake up - if I get past a certain point of sleepy haze - then it's all over.

So anyway at 1:00 she woke up a bit, and her paci wasn't working, so I gave her the boob. It calmed her, got her paci in, and we were off again to dreamland. I hadn't woken up too much. And as I started drifting off, I sent up a desperate prayer: please God, please please please let her sleep until 3. Just give me two more hours.

Well I got about 10 minutes. Then she woke up again, and I couldn't find her paci fast enough, and she escalated to full-blown crying. This is incredibly annoying, because the quick fix is right there and simply can't be found. So I had to go to plan B, which was to stick my boob in her mouth. Last night, plan B was enacted 6 times. Oh, did I mention she's cutting her first tooth? And we traveled all week last week?

I hope that's the explanation because I can't go on like this. It's inhumane. Especially because she was such an amazing sleeper for so long. It is simply cruel and unusual to go from getting 7-10 hours of sleep every night together to suddenly being woken up every hour or two. Like she's a freaking newborn again.

So yes, here we are at 1:15 or so and we have screaming. And I was so mad that she hadn't gone back to sleep, and I wasn't getting to go back to sleep, and I could feel myself waking up. That's the worst part - that moment when you realize that you are not going to recover from this one. For me, it's really desperate. Because what happens when I wake up, as I said, is I do not go back to sleep for at least an hour or more. This happens every time I have to handle a night waking. That's why I do my best to ignore her cries - not to be cruel, but J can handle it, and he goes immediately back to sleep.

But with this tooth, she's been too upset to be comforted by anything but nursing. And she wakes up too much to bother with the bassinet, so she sleeps next to me. Which means I'm waking up constantly all night, and I'm feeding her constantly, and I'm getting absolutely no rest.

At that point, I knew she wasn't hungry, and I was too frustrated to let her use me as a human pacifier. I was mad at her. So I put her in her bassinet, because I couldn't deal, and I wanted to fling her across the room or yell at her, anything to make her shut up.

Finally J got up, and changed her diaper, which was admittedly really wet and stinky. But that required turning on the light, and she was making so much noise that I wasn't going to be going back to sleep. I put her back in her jammies and she was full-blown screaming, and I couldn't take it. I came out here in the living room, sat on my couch, and wept.

Being a parent is incredibly hard. I know that this is a phase that will pass. I hope to God I have a good sleeper again one day. I'm sure she will eventually be. But I'm so physically not cut out for this, because of my stupid insomnia. It ruins everything.

You see, after my crying jag, and feeling sorry for myself for a few minutes, and shaking out what I could of the anger, I grabbed the homeopathic teething tablets and went back in. J was lying in bed with her, letting her scream, but holding her (he couldn't stand to let her scream alone in her bed, so he opted to let her cry it out but while being held). I gave her a tablet and she quieted down. I gave her another and she stopped crying altogether. Then she started up, I gave her a third, and she completely calmed.

And she was looking at me with this completely sad look on her face, like she was so tired and so sad to be awake, and so sorry to be keeping everybody up. She just looked apologetic. So of course I felt terrible, and I realized that she felt exactly like me - horribly tired and frustrated that she couldn't fix it, just couldn't sleep. Plus, she was in pain. Oh, her sad little face.

I actually turned out the light because I knew I'd never stop looking at her. And she was intently looking at me. So I made it dark so we could both go to sleep.

And she did, almost immediately. J patted her for a while, but she went down fast. By this time it was 2:00. And I was so wide awake that there was no hope for me.

And now it is 3:45. I gave up and got out of bed at 3:15, realizing that I was not going back to sleep. I don't know how only 2 hours was sufficient, but somehow, my brain and body have decided that's it for the time being. So yeah, up from 1-4 or so tonight. Yep, it's just like the good ol' days.

Really, night waking wouldn't be such torture if I could just go back to sleep. It's the lying awake after I help the baby go to sleep that kills me. I don't know what to do about it. Most times I cannot move or get into a comfortable position without awakening her and starting the whole mess over. I certainly feel like getting up and drinking milk (or obviously turning on the computer) will only wake me up more.

But I am starting to feel a little tired, so maybe I'll get some cooperation. I want to sleep so badly. I'm absolutely devastated that my little one actually has been sleeping peacefully for nearly 2 hours and I've completely missed my chance to sleep!

Oh. I just heard her. Here we go again. Oh well, at least I'm not being roused out of sleep this time.