Tuesday, May 17, 2005

Femmy hangs her head

I am so fucking depressed right now. I'm not getting this chapel internship and I wanted it so bad. It would have been such an outstanding way to practice my work. What I think is my Kingdom work, which is putting together liturgy. It was to be on a team that planned every chapel for the year. I wanted it so much, I tried so hard, I prayed so hard. It seemed perfect. It seemed created just for me.

But I had so many big ideas, and I think I scared them. Or they just thought I was nuts. Anyway, I didn't get it. Obviously it wasn't created just for me. I feel like I'm too Anglican for them. Or maybe I just care too much about worship. It's threatening to have someone come in who believes wholeheartedly in the way her church does things. That's not going to work for chapel at a seminary with 100 denominations represented.

It's true, it is not. I was not right for it. I've also heard that priority was given to those graduating, and to people who already were involved with chapel. Both of which make sense.

But I would have done such a good job, and I cared so much! My heart and soul were really in it. Ugh. I've spent most of the day holding back tears. Which couldn't be held back during the Eucharist I attended this morning. *sigh*

Did you know that today is St. Dunstan's day, a guy who would make a great patron saint of Fuller's Brehm Center for Worship, Theology and the Arts. He was an artist and a scholar and a musician. Really cool guy.

Now I am in class and today the mime is speaking. Heh, heh, that's kind of a funny sentence. Can it get any worse?

No, I can’t be upset about the mime; in fact, he's an outstanding teacher. He's more interesting than just about anyone and he's damn inspirational, especially when talking about the arts in worship.

But today his talk about everyone's gifting being used and made manifest is just reminding me how this door to my gift has been slammed in my face.

I'm seriously self-indulging right now. I need to stop. I'm going to listen to the mime now.

O God of truth and beauty, you richly endowed your bishop Dunstan with skill in music and the working of metals, and with gifts of administration and reforming zeal: Teach us, we pray, to see in you the source of all our talents, and move us to offer them for the adornment of worship and the advancement of true religion; through Jesus Christ our Lord, who lives and reigns with you and the Holy Spirit, one God, now and for ever. Amen.

7 comments:

Paul Wilczynski said...

Did they tell you why you didn't get the internship? If not, I'd definitely ask. "In order to help my in my ministry, could you tell me why ... ".

Joanna said...

It's too bad that you didn't get it, but (and I don't mean to sound cheesy) sometimes something better comes along, or the experience works into your life plan in a way that you might never have thought it would.

Purechristianithink said...

I've had definite times in my life when I think God has used the old lazy eye treatment on me. When someone has amblyopia, (sp?)--where one eye is weaker than the other, the doctor will cover the good eye so the lazy eye has to work harder and get stronger. Maybe this is also cheesy and not much comfort in the depths of inital disappointment, but I think sometimes when we feel like we are in a situation whree wer feel like we are being prevented from using our strongest gifts, its because our growing edge is in leading with our weaknesses.

b said...

I'm sorry to hear you didn't get the position. I am really bad when it comes to cheering up and everything I would like to say has already been said, so I'll just say sorry and leave it at that. I will add that it is clear that you are passionate about what you believe and when you do find yourself in a position to use your gifts I have a feeling you'll be wonderful.

(This is my first comment but I've been reading you for a bit and really enjoying it.)

Jen said...

I don't know that this will be comforting. (There's a reason why I'm sticking with academia rather than heading into ministry.) I've had a really sucky semester myself and spent the last few months trying to pretend like everything was still working out when I really felt defeated and confused. Finally I just decided that playacting wasn't helping... So, just embrace the disappointment and move through it. Cry during the Eucharist. Let God hear you.

Thanks for responding to my husband's comments the other day (he's the one being confirmed this Sunday). We both really enjoy the blog.

Be at peace.

Anonymous said...

You want to be a pastor and you use the word f--king? This is juvenile. Your can't express yourself rationally or cogently, if you have to stoop to that.

The Feminarian said...

That's true, I could not express myself rationally or cogently on that day. I was so incredibly hurt and sad.

At least I didn't say God should dash anyone's little ones against rocks! :)