Monday, October 24, 2005

Confessional

Ever since my writing class I'm feeling all self-conscious about writing on here! I'm afraid of being annoyingly confessional. There was a great editorial by Joel Stein in yesterday's TIMES (LA, of course) that talked about celebrity confessional books and just how lame they are (eg Sylvester Stallone tells us every last item in his fridge! Then moves on to the freezer!). Am I listing my metaphorical fridge contents?

One thing I've been struggling with mightily is the great regret I have about ever revealing myself on here. I was so much more free when I was anonymous. On Friday we talked about the freedom that comes from writing in another voice, particularly one very different from our own experience. And while the Feminarian wasn't that different from me, she was the hyper-version of my opinions and observations. But now, my friends, professors, even my mother reads this (hi mom - sorry I haven't called in a while), so how can I possibly talk openly about everything?

I wish I could tell you honestly about my frustrations (educational, sexual, financial, with the world, with the Church, with poverty, hunger, disease, etc). I don't mind being open. But it hurts other people, and I need to be aware of that. And lots of friends are telling me "TMI". (I personally detest that acronym!!! Not just because it's overused, but because often the information that there's too much of is something I felt was important to get off my chest and it is something that helped someone.) We do live in a post-Sex-and-the-City world, so why can't I stand up for my right to love my vibrator? I guess because I'm a good Christian girl.

I think a lot that I probably shouldn't be a pastor. I like stirring things up too much. I don't want to keep up appearances - I want to wear the "Gay? Fine by me." shirt at Fuller. I want to piss people off. I love stirring things up. And a pastor just can't do that. Pastors have to put others first. Well, we all should really. Damn. Stupid Jesus, teaching us the right way to be. (that is sarcasm)

I love being brutally honest and scathingly forthright. (see? that was redundant. bad writing) I love picking apart the inconsistencies, hypocrises, and simple idiocy of Christians, the Church, seminary, and Fuller in particular. But now those people doing those silly things are my friends. So it comes to the question of do I be pastoral, or do I be....well, prophetic is overstating it quite a bit, but that's the idea.

It's like, when someone says they know Grandma is looking down on them, do you pastorally tell them that must be comforting or do you correct their theology and inform them that no, Grandma's rotting in the ground waiting for the resurrection?

Anyway, I have to cram for an Ethics quiz. It's difficult to read stuff you completely agree with and then be quizzed on it - because I'm supposed to come up with examples from the text and show that I read it but it's so wrapped up in my own thinking that it's hard to separate the two.

2 comments:

Anonymous said...

Please, please let the Feminarian speak for herself! You are a writer. I understand that no less a theologian than Martin Luther is quoted as advising "Sin Bravely."

If you fear for yourself, let the Feminarian free to sin and repent as necessary.

Rachel said...

I don't see a whit of TMI here, for what it's worth. Reveal on! What you're doing has value to a mighty lot of us.

And I think you'll make a tremendous pastor, not despite your inclinations but because of them.