It paid off

Well my killing myself last quarter paid off. I got an A in the hardest class, that of Dr. Bartchy. A- in Gospels, which I shouldn't have, but I guess I was more stressed about the Bartchy class.

I don't know, does it really pay off to make yourself this exhausted? Did I tell you that I fell asleep at 9 last night, woke up at 3 for about an hour, then slept until 8 this morning? That's not normal is it? Well I haven't taken sleeping pills for several days. That is a warning right there - the fact that I'm sleeping so well without them is not normal. I've never been a sleeper all my life. Even as a baby I just stayed awake all the time. I must be tired.

Anyway, I have a little hooray for myself over my grades but mostly just a "well, yes, that's what I better get when I worked that hard, and I'm not entirely sure it was worth it" kind of feeling.

You know what? School is hard. I mean, it's not - obviously I do well at it. And I still enjoy it, or at least I know it's a privilege to be going. But it's really taking a toll on me. I guess I need a vacation.

Ironically, we're considering cancelling our vacation this summer, out of funding problems. But maybe I should rethink that. I might really need that time, mightn't I? Well if nothing else I should try to get to a retreat house for a week sometime.

Oh, i'm just wasting time now. Yours and mine.