Weary

I'm so freaking tired. I really have no reason to be - been getting plenty of sleep. But I even took a nap the other day, something I never do. So something's up. I think it's the pressure of everything that has to get done in the next 2 weeks, what with finishing this class and moving and selling half my possessions (pricing them gives me a headache). Or trying to sell them. What if I don't? Then what the heck do I do with all this shit? Gaaahh!

I don't want to move. Ugh, it just sucks. I don't like our new place. It's just too too small. I don't need a lot of stuff, but this place can't fit a couch and a chair! It's the size of a dorm room, I swear. It's not for 2 people, that's for damn sure. I sure hope saving this money is worth it. I guess I'll just spend my time outside at the pool area.

So today Eddie Gibbs told us his wife's spiritual gift is "gaydar." I kid you not.

What else? Well you should read this article and get righteously angry with me. I'm so sick of these freaks. They make the world so much stupider. And them getting power is just the end of sanity. You're telling me pastors are going to get up in pulpits and actually preach warmongering? Please tell me that people will not buy that. I want to give my country more credit than that. God, I hope I can give my Christians more credit than that!!

I was actually quite pleased to discover that this current war has pissed off pretty much everybody I know who was formerly in favor of pretty much everything Israel and Bush did. Finally people are waking up and seeing that war pretty much always sucks for just about everybody involved. And yeah, I'll say it - there's no such thing as a just war. That's hooey. (technical term)

Anyway I had the most amazing conversation last night with my neighbors and another friend, ranging from abortion to free will to sex compatibility to moral subjectivity to the relative merits of Kool & the Gang vs. Earth, Wind, & Fire. I love those kind of talks. I was really speaking my mind, too, and found it suddenly quite natural to say what I believe. I think it must be because I've been around people from other walks of life so much that I'm no longer worried about what they'll think of me, because I know I don't think badly of them. Turns out, as long as I'm authentic, people really dig my love for God. They can understand why I choose to live with Jesus as my guide. They even listened to me when I explained why I don't think that the Bible is a book just anybody can pick up and understand. That's not the kind of thing most Christians tell them - they're told by Christians to go ahead and start reading. But I love Scripture too much to let it be misunderstood. And I told them that, and they got it.

What's funny is that I'll never know, really, where they are with God. I always have these great talks with people but I never seem to be the one who gets to "close the deal." And you know, I'm really okay with that. God closes the deal in the end anyway. So I may never know whether it made any difference that I told someone that I believe what I do, but I can pray that it will.

And someday maybe I'll get to heaven and someone will walk up to me and say, "Thaaaaank you, for giving to the Looooord. For I am a life, that was saaaaaaaaaaaaaved."

Hee hee.

It was a really great group last night. Someone pointed out that in the room we had all the makings of a 60's movement: two activist Christians, a Jew, an African-American, and a hippie. So we talked about Diebold's stupid voting machines (concensus: sledgehammer to machine) and about bringing Armaggedon (see article above) which is what led to the conversation about how not everybody is on equal footing when it comes to interpreting Scripture. Don't get me wrong now - I'm not saying Bibles shouldn't be freely distributed. But like our worship, there's some scary, powerful, dangerous stuff in there. And it is infinitely better to have a guide. Like me! Because I'm so awesome.

My neighbor also told us that we should reproduce. We should bless the world with our offspring, because we'd be cool parents. I like that. I think when I run out of the pill in 3 months I might just not bother getting a new prescription. I might just see what happens. I mean, I won't try for anything, but I also wouldn't not try. Wouldn't hurt anyway to learn early whether this is going to be easy or difficult. My sister-in-law got pregnant a month after going off the pill; other friends are starting $800/month fertility treatments; other friends are adopting from all over the world; and my sis is pregnant again right at baby #1's first birthday. Some of my friends have those gorgeous 3-dimensional sonograms, and expensive baby stuff that goes in a baby's room. Then there are people whose children are on Medi-Cal and put the baby in the dresser drawer (that would be us, although since we don't have a dresser I'm thinking file cabinet. Although if that fell over on them...ouch). So everybody does this at different times and in different situations. And I was thinking I needed to wait to have a house, then I lessened it to insurance, and now I'm thinking oh what the hell. People a lot poorer than me have babies all the time! And at least I'm responsible! I'm going to stress out about being on welfare and/or in credit card debt (and I've paid taxes many years so maybe that counts for something). I'm not sure there's much that can keep me from doing this any more. It won't be an ideal - or easy or even probably very nice - situation, but it is what it is and I can't really stop the clock ticking.

OK, I've really got to stop goofing off now. I'm totally procrastinating because the books I have to read for this class are sooooooo dull. I'm going to roast a chicken for the first time tonight. Wish me luck. But I have to read first. Maybe.