Sunday, December 30, 2007

Obsession

I've been on a real bender lately - not alcohol or drugs (perish the thought, pregnant lady!), but obsessive thoughts...okay, obsessive worry. And not even over anything fun like baby stuff. No, I'm all in a lather because our rent is being raised (11%!) and they've asked for additional security too (which I'm not sure is legal). This combining with our soon-to-be-much-less income (thanks to J switching to a more sane work schedule - it's a good thing) and the looming prospect of having no insurance right when baby arrives...well, let's just say I could use a few more days in that Vegas hotel room with a tub big enough to submerge in (even pre-pregnant I couldn't get anything but my butt underwater in our apartment's "tub").

I was already needing to ask the manager for grace to give us a new parking space, and now we have to decide whether to try to negotiate this rent or the security increase. Bleh. The parking space is simply because right now we can't open our doors more than a few inches (the spaces are tiny and we're surrounded by other cars - all compact, but these are tiny spaces!), and that obviously won't work once my belly "blossoms" as they say, and especially won't work once there's an infant carrier to be gotten in and out of the vehicle. I said something to my sister about I guess I could get the baby out, put him/her on the ground, then pull into the space, and she about died at my lack of motherly skill. Hey, at least a baby on the ground could be grounds for a big ol' lawsuit if they won't give me a bigger space! So yeah, here's hoping we can switch with somebody on the end, and at least make the driver's side accessible. Then if I'm driving I can get in and out, and if J's driving he can pull out for me to get in. And we'll keep baby on the driver's side. Problem solved. Let's hope they go for it.

But asking for grace on the rent thing, I doubt they will go for. And it's just a few more months, so we'll survive it. Still, man, our place is 423 sq ft (we measured today), which is about standard hotel room size I think. We pay well over $2 per sq ft. It's annoying. But then I have to remind myself that it's just money after all, and I'm here to be a light in the world not a whiner. Right. It's so hard. Wish I hadn't been raised so thrifty!!

My response to all this is bugging me more than anything. I can't stop thinking about it! Even in church, it was creeping into my thoughts...strategies for asking for less, needing to measure, who to ask about the security...grrr! I don't like being distracted by these things. It keeps me from falling asleep, and when I wake in the night (lots now that J has suddenly decided to start snoring) it plagues me so I can't fall back asleep. I actually napped today, something I never accomplish, because I was so wiped from the worry. I've been praying for it to go away. I have never been able to conquer this demon. Every time I think I'm doing pretty good (like I got over that insurance thing), something new comes along. And it's all about control, I know. I have no power in this situation at all - the landlord can do what he likes, and we can't say boo because we have to live here until we know what's up for next year. Man that is annoying. I hate being controlled.

But really, my life is God's, not these peoples'. I just don't know how to make that reality get into my everyday awareness. It so rarely seems that we belong truly and ultimately to another kingdom, to another Person. It seems we are tossed about by powers on this earth, controlled by finances, determined by the choices so rarely made by ourselves. There is an ultimate plan, perhaps, but not really one for every moment of life, I don't think. I don't think God plans or cares what I eat for breakfast or even where I go for the next degree. The thing I'm to do is to try to align my choices with the ultimate plan, which is far bigger than me and my life. And I hate when I lose sight of that and let these insignificant things rule my thoughts.

And yet, I am weak, and I fail at resistance. I am ruled. And I have a nasty headache to boot.

Hey, if you get to Vegas, check out Bradley Ogden in Caesar's (he's in San Francisco too, yay!). We had our best meal there. We also thoroughly enjoyed ourselves at L'Atelier de Joel Rubochon in MGM Grand - we got to watch the chefs preparing everybody's meal (including a rather awful bit where they pulled apart live lobsters...poor little guys were waving their tentacles all around while their claws & tails were pulled off, then the live leftovers were trashed unceremoniously. Shudder). It was a delicious meal (neither of us had lobster) and a great show, and amazing service. We had great fun. Our meal at Bouchon was also wonderful, and we had great breakfasts there each day (what a treat). The only disappointment was Christmas night, at Mix, where we were so dismayed by the food quality that I called the next day to complain and then gave up. But to their great credit, the GM called back and offered a refund of my dinner (J had eaten his, but I only ate a bite of each dish - imagine, me, pregnant! Not eating!). So I can't write the scathing review I wanted to, because in the end they did right by us, but I wouldn't recommend them either. The spa was perfect and wonderful and I loved every second (that's Qua at Caesar's - very highly recommended).

And we won a little money ($40, but hey, that's breakfast at Bouchon!), but for the most part it was too cold to enjoy the outside and too crowded to enjoy the inside so we stayed in our room. I'd read tons of articles/blogs about Vegas at Christmas all saying it's completely empty - HA! It was the most crowded I'd ever seen! It's WAY busy! So be warned.

OK, that's my quick recap, because my headache is coming back so I need to get off the computer (have had headache for nearly a week now - not just from the worry, also sinuses and lack of sleep - very very painful headache making life awful. And in Vegas first night I cracked my head on the headboard when I misjudged the distance to pillow, so I couldn't even sleep because of that pain the first night! And it throbbed the whole trip). Hope you had wonderful holidays. Go have some fun on New Year's for me - I'll be in bed early, I'm sure.

1 comment:

beginnerknitter said...

Is it proper to say its good to hear someone else worries like i do? I don't think anyone should worry that much but its nice to have someone on the same page.

Things will work out for you. Its easier to tell other people that just not yourself right! I'm planning to enter Seminary in the fall and we're buying a house right now, and the stress keeps me up nights and I'm supposed to be the person promoting "Trust in God and lean not on your own understanding"!

Oh thank you for having this blog and making me feel normal!