Wednesday, February 06, 2008

bleh

I feel crappy. I feel like I'm a big disappointment to people, I'm letting people down. I can't talk to my husband about this (he's not really big on the sympathy thing), so I have to whine on here. Which is probably letting you down, because you come on here for lively interesting topics, not depressed hormonal garbage. Sorry, it's all part of me package.

See I'm in this choir, and it's OK, it's not super duper fun but it's good enough and I get a tiny stipend for it so I stay with it. Well there's this big concert coming up with over 1000 singers, and we're part of it. And I was really excited about it, until this week, when I just found out that the time commitment expected of us for this thing is 7 hours in one day. Now with 1000 real singers, I figured maybe we'd have an hour of rehearsal or two and then an hour of concert, but it's actually like 4 hours of rehearsal, a break, then 2 hours of concert. It's big time. And I'm honestly just not sure I can stand up that long. This damn baby is getting heavier by the day. Not to mention that I get very sore if I can't move around a lot, change positions, etc. I need to get off my feet, too, or they will swell up. And of course there's the bathroom situation - I don't pee like the first trimester, but it's not infrequent either. I just had no idea it was going to be such a marathon. So I floated the idea of my missing it to the director, and I can tell he's peeved with me. He's not being mean about it (how can you tell a pregnant person she has to stand up for that long, esp. as a man?), but he's disappointed, and if there's one huge thing I hate, it's disappointing people in me. Even when it's really legit. But like I guess they paid for dinner for me and they asked me to commit and I shouldn't drop out this late. And I get that, I really do. But on the other hand, we were told over and over that there was a 400 person waiting list, so I didn't really get what the big deal would be if I let somebody else have my spot. I hate people to be upset with me. I hate it enough to go ahead and put myself through that concert, even though I think I really will not have a very good time. Not to mention I have a paper due the next day and Sundays are usually the day I try to get good rest.

I don't know, I'm also kind of sorry about my last post, because I don't want to be whiny and I don't want to get my prof in trouble or make her sound bad. She's not a bad person - in fact, she's quite personable and we have a pretty good time in class. She's just freaking terrifying, and she is on a whole different level of work than anybody else I've had. And at some times in my career I'd be up for that, it's just not my thing right now. But the exam was brutal, and anybody who's taken it will agree. It doesn't have to be the last word, I still have five papers in the next five weeks (hello, workload). But anyway please forgive me for venting and if I said anything offensive, let's blame the baby hormones, shall we?

OK, I really need some sleep. I should not read emails this late at night - I get extremely upset. The poor guy probably didn't even mean to sound like he was disappointed in me. I'm more disappointed in myself and that's why I'm projecting it on him (psych 101 rears its ugly head).

Really, this week started out so promisingly. But I guess I got a bit too big for my britches or something. Still I have to remember that this was the week I got into a doctoral program, and I've been feeling the baby nearly nonstop, and as much work as I've had to do I still am keeping it together. Plus I loved Jim Wallis last night and we had such a lovely Ash Weds service today. Yeah, things are still positive. Perspective needed.

2 comments:

Kathy said...

Maybe you should quit the choir. It sounds like you've got a lot on your plate right now. I've read four of your posts, and in each one you sound stressed and depressed. Perhaps if you shed some of the activities that you're not crazy about things might get a little better. I hope they do! !

The Feminarian said...

The last several posts were written all during the same bad mood, though. Mostly of the time I'm not so grouchy, especially since the 2nd trimester kicked in (but when I do get grumpy, it's worse than non-pregnant grouch).

Anyway, the choir will not be such a burden once I'm not in classes anymore next quarter. Just 5 more weeks to get through.