Saturday, December 30, 2006

School doldrums

For the first time I am not looking forward to a new quarter. I'm actually kind of dreading it. I'm really pissy and depressed. I think I'm mainly overstressed because our money's too tight (we're carrying credit card debt for the first time in years and I hate it) and I've grown too big for my clothes and generally hate the way I look. But mostly it's the money. I feel like I should get a job. But how could I handle that?

Anyway, J was pointing out that everybody gets to this point in school, which is the point where all you have left are the requirements you put off so you're no longer taking subjects which interest you. And also I am terrified about trying another Greek exegesis class (my third attempt and I must not drop this time!). I think I'm dreading that the most. The other class, which is history, should actually be fun. I'm nervous about starting the new internship too. Mostly because I have no idea what I'm going to do there. Plus I was just getting used to the old place.

Well if you're a praying type then please ask God to give me some peace and even some pleasure heading back to school. Usually it's such a high point, and I am so excited to get back to learning. Now I am tired and sick of it - not of school, per se, but of the stress and misery and work that goes along with it. And I feel distant from God...not close like I usually do this time of year. I am letting myself focus on non-Godly things like money and stress, and it's hurting me all around. I know it. I just can't do anything about it. I mean, I won't.

And I don't think being poor is a blessing. I know it's often thought of as such, but Dallas Willard in Spirit of the Disciplines makes a case that poverty is not a blessing, and anyone who's ever truly been poor really knows that. If you are doing without NOT by choice it is not a helpful discipline but a painful burden. To deny yourself things like medical care or new shoes for your aching feet or whatever is not a blessing. I understand that simplicity is important and materialism is evil. Believe me, not a problem right now. I'm not saying I want more stuff (there's no place for it anyhow), I'm just saying I wish I didn't have to wonder every month whether we could afford rent or not, whether I should put off the tithe (almost never do, though), whether I can actually pay off the credit card or need to carry the balance, and so on.

Anyway, I am sad to be sad about school. What a bummer for a normally enthusiastic student. Hopefully I'll get to class and feel better. I'll be with two great profs this time, TA'ing for one, and I even get to lead class this week since he's out of town. That will be fun. There are good things. I'm just all swirled up in emotions. It's not good. It's not even PMS time. I'm not eating too badly. I don't know what is up with me. This is a rough year. I think I might just be a happier person when I have a steady paycheck, health insurance and a 401k! But then how will I ever do all the things I love...hardly any of which lead to such luxuries. *sigh*

As John would tell me, it's a pickle.

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