Tuesday, January 17, 2006
It's a very weird thing to have a blog, particularly to have one on which you write opinions that are frequently hyperbole of your own, and on which you say things you'd never say outside the relative anonymity of cyberspace. It is weird because before you know it, people are reading what you say, and getting worked up (positively or negatively) about it, and even making judgments about you (if I have to explain one more time why in the grand scheme of world Christianity my views are theologically conservative...). And it is mostly weird when someone references the blog. It's like I've got this person who is me and then this blog person who lives inside me but who is not entirely under my control. The blog is where I don't act like I'm supposed to. I probably can't keep it up forever, but I consider my life benign enough right now to allow for it. But anyway, when someone references it I always cringe. I don't really know why. Well that's not entirely true. Only when my friends or my peers at seminary reference it, or god help me my professors or relatives, then I cringe. Unless they are obviously being complimentary. Usually strangers I can handle. But people have this way of saying it...of drawing out FEMMMM...inary, like I'm some kind of weird bra-burner. And I'll be having a perfectly normal conversation with someone and then they'll say, "So, are you going to write about this on FEMMMM...inary?" or "Hello, miss FEMMMM...inarian" or whatever, and I'm like, hey, you're not supposed to know that about me! It's not me! It is me. But I don't want to talk about it in public and really not to you. You person who is saying the name with this hint of disdain and prejudice, like you dislike me because of what I write...but come on, it's just what I write! It's not who I am. Like some people are cool about it, some go borderline by teasing me, and some just act as if me & Feminarian are equivalent human beings and we're just not. She's not even a person, she's a character. Boy is she. But really it's schizophrenic isn't it. It truly is like they are talking about somebody else. Like I've got a secret identity that they are not supposed to know...because if they know, they know way too much about me...and I can guess what they've guessed and I'm no longer able to anonymously pretend to fit in at Fuller...well I asked for it, I know. I just hate feeling like an outsider or when I'm trying to help someone see a new point they fall back on my blog like I'm just a wacko so why pay attention to me. And I know I bring it on myself. And most people probably don't think the worse of me. But just understand that I really don't think of myself as quite the person who writes on here, at least not when I'm sitting in class next to you or we're out having drinks or whatever it is.