Trust Issues

God and I are having some trust issues.

I don’t remember if I mentioned it, but a couple weeks ago I fell at my apartment complex. I fell down some stairs because they were wet from a sprinkler that was misfiring on the concrete. In the last couple weeks I’ve been seeing the chiropractor and I’m doing much better.

I had reported (by letter) to the management company what happened, and they called and said they wanted to take care of my medical bills with their insurance, which I was very relieved to hear. So I explained to the insurance person what happened, and after a couple days back and forth, she said they would pay my bills and also give me a little settlement on top. None of this was asked for, but all was quite welcomed and appreciated.

So, fast forward to this week.

J and I looked at one of the apartments in our complex that’s actually been open since the last time we talked to them about moving next door. It’s a 2-bedroom and quite cute. It had come down in price, and J has recently found out that he’s gotten a 1-year full-time contract at Azusa (yay), in addition to classes he’ll be teaching for Biola. In short, we’re gonna have money to move out of the closet, finally. So I mentioned to the manager that we were interested in the 2-bedroom, and he dug it big time, thought it would be fine. We discussed even our moving end of this month. Super cool.

But then today he visited and told us that until the “insurance thing” is all worked out, they can’t say anything about the apartment. I tried to understand how the two things are at all related, but finally decided I must be getting in trouble because I caused problems for the owner by falling. I feel like I’m being punished but I didn’t do anything wrong. I am very sorry I fell and really really sorry that I got hurt and needed fixing. I wish it hadn’t happened. Now I wish it more, because if it messes up our moving, I’ll be so very sad.

I know it sounds ridiculous and rude of them (especially b/c you’re only hearing my side – well that’s because it’s my blog!), but if that’s how they decide to be, there is really nothing I can do about it. But as J points out, I don’t know yet what’s actually going on, and I should stop getting worked up when it might be nothing. My concern is simply that they will give the apartment to someone else (there are two other applicants) because we are no longer, I guess, “good tenants.”

But they’re still stuck with us, it’s not like we don’t live here! And we’re going to be here another year, and want to stay in that complex now (b/c it’s not worth moving away since we don’t know what’s happening after I graduate), so why can’t we be someplace comfortable?

God, what if they kick us out??

Well anyway, what I’m actually writing about is how this has affected me spiritually. I’ve given all this backstory to get to what I’m going to say now.

I’m having trust issues with God.

You see, I had just prayed before the manager showed up with this bad news. I had prayed that God would take the situation. I prayed that God would protect us financially (and if that meant not moving, OK). I told God what I wanted, and said I would trust God to care for us.

Then this happened. OK, yay, you think – I got an answer. God says no moving. Lovely.

Except you see, this happens every time I give this over. Every time I tell God: OK, I’ll put this living situation in your hands. You know I’m very confined and sad living in our current place, and here’s this opportunity (new apartment, the house, etc), and God, I’ll just trust you that what’s best will happen.

And then every time I lose the thing I want. God and my desires don’t line up. And I don’t mean it in a whiny way. I mean that it’s really hard to trust God when every time I give something to God it doesn’t work out. Maybe I shouldn’t give it away but I’m supposed to keep it so I can make it happen. I don’t know.

I know I should be content with living simply. I guess I’m still working on it. I’m not good at it yet, not good at living small. Not good with the cramped space (especially when it’s hot). So is God trying to teach me this lesson, over and over? And won’t let up until I learn it? That makes me feel like God is mean or at least a tiresome disciplinarian.

What it comes down to is that I don’t know if I believe God wants what’s actually best for me. Or God wants what I want, when what I want doesn’t seem to be harmful at all (this 2-bedroom would not be exactly the lap of luxury – it’s 665 square feet!). It’s like, if I keep trusting God, I’ll be doing what God wants but I’ll be miserable. And there’s certainly a fine tradition of God letting people suffer a looong time. There’s almost a guarantee of pain and trouble if you’re going to go God’s way. And it’s such a bummer. I mean, I guess we become persons of loyalty, trust, and character, in the end. We detach from everything that’s not God.

But right now, I just don’t get how having a hundred more square feet would hurt me spiritually, and it would sure help me feel a lot better physically and emotionally.

Well like J says: there’s nothing actually to get upset about yet. But I found it interesting to examine where this was taking me with God. I started praying after the meeting, and then I started yelling at God. I really got mad. I had to tell God that I don’t think he actually knows or understands or even really likes me that much. I certainly don’t feel like he’s a loving parent doting on his daughter. I just don’t right now. How come every time I ask for something he does the opposite? And I’m supposed to just buck up and trust that it’s good for me?!

I’ll obey. I’m committed to it. I’ll live wherever God puts me. There I am. And I’ll be fine. But it’s chipping away at this relationship, at this trust I have. At this belief I so want to have that God loves me and really wants what’s best for me. I’ll obey, but I won’t feel very much like I’m doing it from love. I guess I’m trusting God because I’m supposed to, because I have this mental assent to the fact that God knows better than me. But my heart is rebelling. My heart isn’t in it. My heart wants things…but when I share my heart’s desires with my father I get slammed doors.

And I’m so screwed up that even writing this I figure God’s gonna punish me for being real with you about how I feel, so I’ll be punished and live in the hot closet forever. *sigh*

Dealing with all the psychology around God is extremely complicated. It’s also self-revealing and often painful. It’s tons of second-guessing. And for an overthinker like me, it leads to obsession. I have trouble listening in class, doing homework. Plus it makes me go into the depression. Which is what’s up right now. Depressed, and feeling put upon, and feeling guilty about whining over such a small thing. And deeply wishing I could have this move, but more wishing I could trust that God actually has something better. That’s what I want to believe – if it doesn’t work out, there’s something better. I’m losing faith in that.

God, I so wish I could be like John. He’s perfectly content wherever we live. He’s probably got a better trust relationship with God than me. I should ask him. How do you trust God when stuff doesn’t work out? Oh, you stop caring if stuff works out or not. That’s him. Nothing ever fazes him. I don’t get it. Especially during my period, man!

OK, back to mystical theology. Personal issues vomited. Hope you weren’t in the “splash zone.”

p.s. this just in from mystical theology class:
Evelyn Underhill on prayer:
It is a live wire, living link, b/t humanity and divinity. When you pray for something, you are volunteering to go into the breach – you become the intercession. When you pray for the people of a place, you should expect God to send you there.