Getting down to the wire

So the near-constant contracting of my uterus is telling me that one day pretty soon (in the next three weeks, per the calendar), this baby is going to come out. Now the contractions don't hurt, so I'm assuming from everything I've been told that they're "pre" labor (or the less attractive term, "false" labor), although every now and then I wonder what if mine are just different from everyone else's and in fact I should be paying attention? But no, people keep telling me, I'll somehow just know when it's the real deal, it will be completely different and I'll just know. Right. 'Cause I've never done or felt anything like this before, so I'm sure it will be obvious.

Actually tonight at dinner was pretty funny because I was complaining that I was having all the painless contractions (well they are not so much painless as not paining me in the right spot from what I read), and J was like, "It's probably nothing - as long as you're not feeling constipated." And I was like, "Huh? I've felt constipated for two days!" And then he laughed at me. He's been reading Dr. Bradley's book (go him - I'm a bit shocked but I don't want to say anything for fear he'll be embarrassed and stop) and apparently that's what the good doc says it will feel like. So that was pretty funny. I imagine for the next few weeks we'll have a lot of those moments. A lot of "Should we be paying attention to this now?" but thinking it couldn't possibly be yet...

Then he keeps pointing out that I haven't lost my mucus plug yet (sorry, folks, things are going to get real physical here for a while, since I'm experiencing one of the more physical things one can do in life). And then I point out that maybe I've lost it in one of my dozens of midnight bathroom visits when I don't bother to turn on the light and certainly don't go looking in the toilet to see what's there. And then we'll both kind of look at each other and laugh nervously.

I don't really think the real thing has started yet, but it is pretty wild to imagine how fast it's coming. I mean, a friend told me today she's leaving the country on July 7, and I said, "No prob, the baby will definitely be here by then" and I realized OMG the baby is going to be here in the next month, pretty much for sure. One way or another. Unless I go against doc's orders and don't let them induce me. But still, we're pretty much at the end - I'm 37 weeks pregnant, which is full-term baby time. She's ready, physiologically, and it's just a matter of when she's ready otherwise to make her appearance.

Wow. And am I ready? Not really. I mean, I can't be. There's just no way to be. No matter how many lists I make, chores I finish, outcomes I imagine, savings I arrange, and shopping trips I make (the cold has derailed the shopping at the moment and we'd be screwed if she came this week, actually), there is just no way I will truly be prepared for this. I know that. And somehow, I'm not scared of it. I can't control it and it's almost freeing, how little control I have. It's so impossible to do anything about it that I can completely release it. Which is so unlike me. Maybe I will be not such a high-strung mom after all.

Just that word: Mom. Mommy. Mother. I thought to myself today, seeing my newly installed car seat, I'm going to be a Mother. Now that's a serious change of lifestyle. It's a change of identity. I can't even fathom right now what it will mean to hold this baby, to see her actually outside my body, not on a blurry screen, not as some figment in my imagination, but flesh-and-blood and crying and wiggling. I can't begin to imagine the scenario, how I will feel, so I won't. I kind of want to be surprised anyway.

Wow. Me and J as parents. Everybody's always told us we'd be great at it, but it's still like the biggest thing ever. We are changing our lives forever. And you know, it's really damn exciting. Sure, sometimes it's scary and daunting and stressful, but for the most part, I'm really happy.

I feel so fortunate that I got to wait until I was really ready to do this, and with the right person, and in the right life situation for us. I could have tripped up before, and it would have been OK but not perfect. And obviously it's not perfect now - we certainly aren't in the greatest place financially or whatever - but it's right. They say if you wait for the right time it will never come, but I found it. I got to wait for my right time. I'm really lucky.

That's about the understatement of the century, as I'll soon find out. I don't know how much I'll be able to report it to you, but my world is going to turn upside down. And one day I'll come let you know how it was. Like I said, I can't guess how I will feel. Maybe depressed, maybe elated. Maybe disappointed or disillusioned. Maybe everything will just feel right, like it pretty much does right now. I don't know. I just know I want to live every second of it fully. I want to be there for this, for every moment of her first moments.

Anyway, if that's going to happen, I have to try to get some sleep. Haven't done that successfully for a few nights thanks to this nasty cold. Here's hoping I can catch up a little before the opportunity is gone for a looooong time. So good night.