Saturday, December 18, 2004

Have I lost you? comments in a long time. Is it too busy this time of year? Or did I lose people when I was not writing? Or did I just get *gasp* boring?

Wow...low self-esteem in the blogosphere. Amazing that I've gone from writing because I want to put down my thoughts to also writing because I want people to respond. I like to stir up the pot. And, dammit, I like attention.

I have so many insecurities. I have to take little pills, three a day, to ensure that my emotions stay in check. That I don't become unstable...unable to control what I am feeling to stay in a normal state of being.

The music director at the Crystal Cathedral just killed himself, after locking himself in his office for hours. During what would have been a performance of his Christmas show. He was just depressed. I wonder about the help he was given by his church. Did they try to cast it out of him? Did they tell him to pray harder and read his Bible? Did people infer that he was somehow not in touch with God or not honoring God with his life because he was not feeling "joy"?

I don't like the weight I am at but I am way too in love with food (in a foodie way, not a dangerous way) to stop eating well. And by "well", I don't mean "healthy".

I want to be a scholar and yet I am so lazy. I sit and watch movies - good ones, but still. I love them. I love to escape. And somehow books have not been holding my attention. Which is not going to be good for graduate study.

I actually forget to pray. It's not that I'm too busy or too tired or any of the normal excuses. And it's not that I feel unloved or out of touch or unwelcome or any of the normal neuroses. I simply forget. At least, I forget to pray in the way that others consider prayer.

But God is part of my every day, every minute life. He is in my bloodstream. He is firing the synapses in my brain. I don't think on him constantly but I act as if I do. Meaning that my actions are informed by my living in harmony with the way he has set up the world. And the language about him doesn't come out affected, but it's a real part of what I talk about. I don't set out to do something for God or think about him or pray to him or tell someone about it. But I think it happens. I think it does. Because I'm just going along doing my thing and I know he is there, and he is in control.

And it's not like a struggle. I've never fought with God over what my life is supposed to be. It's never occured to me not to just keep putting one foot in front of the other. Because things just keep coming that seem like the right thing, seem like him showing me the next thing to do. And so it's not a big deal. It's just living.

I'm not putting up the Christmas tree or pretty much any decoration. I got out the stockings since my mother sent stuff to put in them. She also sent a tinsel fiber-optic tree, 3 ft tall, which is simply awesome. It twinkles quietly over there, with 3 presents under it - from parents and two siblings - and that's enough.

I got a fat bonus from church which was an amazing surprise, and I'm sending most of it to said siblings so they can take their spouses on nice dates. I love dating my husband (the rest of the bonus will go for a nice one for us), and I want them to have that too. And sometimes it just takes a little cash.

I have always loved giving extravagantly when I can. Perhaps another way God's nature manifests. He loves us so ridiculously much. And I'm sure he poo-poos my little anxieties. And I do too, when I stop and think. I am so thankful for my life. Even though I am hacking up a lung at the moment. I am going to go love my husband now, and get the cat out of the shipping boxes. Maybe make hot chocolate. Peace and joy.


Kyle said...

Hey, thanks for checking out my blog. I'm still reading on yours, but your posts remind me of an author I admire named Ann Lamott. TRAVELING MERCIES is a lovely book I'd recommend to you if you're not aware of her.

Anonymous said...

Tis that time of year. Never fear, though. Lots of folks have been raving about the good stuff going on at your place. Keep it up!


Anonymous said...

I suspect there are lots of us still reading but so caught up in our own end-of-semester-the-holidays-are-almost-here frenzy that we don't take as much time as we usually do to respond. And then there's the hectic Advent schedule at church....

Wishing you a lovely Christmas and blessings in the new year.

jess said...

Fem (if I may call you that ; )),

Just wanted to let you know that your words provide insight, a smile, a tear, a nod and/or a train of thought to me as often as you post anew.

I've been remiss in not showing my appreciation...

Take care,

betsy said...

Comment from a random stranger - I enjoy you blog a lot! You are not boring.

I too have occasional (HA!) low blog-self-esteem - recently I pathetically begged my tiny readership for comments. (And they - the few, the very few, the proud - obliged me. It was very kind of them. It did not cure my insecurities.)

Merry Christmas.

Kathryn said...

Still here, still enjoying and/or empathising, still profoundly relieved that I've now finished at vicar-school (even though we didn't have to do Greek...which is, perversely, rather a sadness as I would love to know it, but can't see myself ever making the time). All your comments re food, film and prayer resonated alarmingly....and I'm supposed to be a Curate!
Do hope that you and your beloved have a wonderful date when the time comes, and that Christmas is...well, dare I say a Blessed time for you?
This is my first in parish ministry and my feet have yet to touch the ground.
Take care