Saturday, July 16, 2005

A boy named Joe

I dreamt about him again last night. I've been meaning to tell you for a long time. He shows up a lot in my dreams. They are usually the same scenario: somehow we find one another, and either I get the chance to apologize or he simply accepts me without that. The dreams come and go, but sometimes they haunt me for weeks on end, every night.

He was the first person I loved. I didn't know it at the time - I was much too young. I didn't understand how to behave when in love. I was terrible to him. But I really did love him. I know this now.

I long to talk to him, to tell him how sorry I am that I was a jerk, that I didn't know what I had. If I'd just been a little more mature, we would have stayed together a long time - possibly years. I threw away something really special.

In the end, after several breaking ups and getting back togethers, it was getting really good again. One day I called him and his friends wouldn't let me talk to him. And he never called me again after that. The next time I saw him a few months later, we were over. I never quite figured out how it happened - we never talked about it. I experienced my first major bout of depression the following year and barely dated at all. Took well over a year to be able to be in a relationship again.

If I could see him again, I would tell him I'm sorry. That he was a wonderful boyfriend and I couldn't have asked for a better first love. I just want him to forgive me for being so stupid. And this is what I have dreamt about for years and years. He shows up, I apologize, we make up.

Isn't it strange, the great loves and the great regrets of our lives? There was a man later, who I dated for over four years. I barely remember anything about him. But Joe is there in my head always - in my heart. He is in my dreams and I remember him perfectly. Of course, much time has passed, and perhaps it would take just once glance at him today to be over all of this. But it was his inside person that I loved. That I will always love a little bit.

So if you know Joe, tell him I'm sorry. Tell him that we had a good thing and I know that now. Tell him that I'll always have a very special place for him in my heart, and love for him too.

And tell him I'll see him in my dreams.


Apostle John said...

It is amazing how we carry people and memories along our journeys.

JTB said...

I have a Joe, too.

I hope yours gets the message.

joe said...

I am a Joe, but I have a Lysann.