Monday, April 10, 2006

Man, I have gotten just so lazy

I don't want to do my work. I don't know if I'm taking a break or just being lazy. I keep trying to get out of more things.

You know what it is? I am completely freaking burnt out. I have no energy left. I am sleepy and unmotivated. Even things that should interest me - today I gave a monologue for homiletics from the point of view of Dinah; I have this upcoming dance/writing/video piece to perform - these things have become burdens. The thought of getting myself through this quarter...of making all the decisions, reading all the pages, writing the's completely exhausting.

It's last quarter's fault. If it hadn't been so damn hard I would be fine. But I've reached total seminary burnout. I thought it was bad when I was running on adrenaline for about 3 weeks straight, but no, this is worse. Coming down is harder. Finally I've let go of enough things and am letting myself have time, but I can't get enough time. I can't let go of enough things. I want more. More letting go, I mean.

God, won't it be great when I get to come home at night and just watch TV? Oh wait...that's what I do now. I can make myself work for a couple hours a day (plus classes, of course), and then I'm completely bored of it. Done. No more. And the weekends - I used to spend my entire weekend getting ahead for the coming week, reading my little ass off. Now I cannot make myself work. I wasted so much of this past weekend. I read the paper, I napped, I watched Arrested Development. I can't say I did much that was productive. I did buy groceries, first time in well over a month. So that's good. And I bought a lot of wine (God bless the Bevmo 5 cent sale). But there just wasn't much on the whole productivity radar.

And maybe that works for now, but someday very soon I have to get it in gear. I can't operate at this half-level for long.

What's weird is that I can't get excited about good things. My vacation this summer I'm supposed to be planning (although it's with my in-laws so you can see how I'm not super thrilled)…we're meeting in San Francisco, and just picking a hotel is making me have panic attacks. Or a trip to visit my niece and nephew, which I really want to do - but I don't want to deal with finding a ticket. Or even my birthday party, for which I have all these awesome ideas...but the idea of actually implementing them, actually doing something...ugh.

I'm becoming all ideas and no action.

Well on the plus side my monologue went very well. Only positive comments were allowed, so we all left feeling good about ourselves. Of course, what were my comments? What do I excel at? Drama. Of course. Thanks guys. I'm just the big drama queen. I evoke emotion, I ask tough questions, I give another point of view, I make the Bible personal. But mostly, I make drama. I guess I'm still just a screenwriter.

So I guess if I can harness this "gift" I'll be a durn captivating preacher, right?

Mostly I just watch the tape of myself and am amazed at the blob I’ve turned in to over the last 2 years. I used to have a shape. It’s scary.

OK I have to make myself do something. Oh, I think the 10 Commandments is coming on. Goodie.


Anonymous said...

vacation with the in-laws....are you getting married?

Stasi said...

I've been married almost 8 years...did I imply I wasn't?