Friday, October 13, 2006

where have i been?

a question i'm asking myself lately

my body has already shut down on me...the way it does usually in week 10 of the quarter, but here we are at week 3 and body has gone into forced rest mode (fever, exhuastion, hibernation, etc)

of course the work doesn't stop - it's only just begun, and it sits like a mountain on my spirit. i don't know how to get out from under it.

everything seems harder than it was the last couple years. perhaps it is the combination of the classes with the internship and the discernment. none of which i can quit though i have thought about quitting each a lot.

i'm so so tired. i didn't know how tired i could get. i have been in bed two days and i feel as awful as ever. part of me wants to check into a hospital and curl up and forget the world.

but of course i won't

anyway everything is tiring right now. seminary is hard. and everyone's first answer is, "just don't work so hard at school." which is a stupid answer. because i love school, i love what i'm learning, i want to learn it. so why would i want to stop trying?

j tells me i can pick it up later and read it, don't do all the reading right now. ha. i will never go back to it. i know this is my one shot. life never gets less busy.

i miss the life of the person who just worked 9-5 and had nights and weekends free and went on retreat a couple times a year. i miss my self who could pray and think and write.

but i especially can't write so i won't be around much. there just isn't time. that is my refrain: not enough time, not enough time, not enough time.

if there ever is time i simply collapse. there is no energy for activity, creativity, thinking, writing, breathing, hiking, even shopping. no time. no energy.

the depression is back and my meds are almost out. can't replace 'em. no money for all the doctor visits/prescriptions required. i wonder what will happen to me without them. if i feel this bad with them...

anyway i seem to have regained a normal body temp and not to be too disgusting but i'm expelling plenty of toxins, so hopefully i'm on the road to recovery, at least from the bug that's caught me. the underlying problems remain, but don't they always.

well writing sideways lying down is hard so i will stop now. sorry i won't be around as much. no time. no thoughts.

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