Thursday, June 19, 2008


Thank you for the encouragement, especially you who have been here. It helps a lot. I read it all even if I can't respond most of the time. Today in a store a mom took me aside and just started telling me how everything would be getting easier and better and not to worry - I must be wearing my heart on my sleeve, that even strangers are comforting me. Or God's just sending them my way. Or both.

But yeah, I write lovely blog entries in the night, in my head, while I'm nursing her, but since that still takes two hands (really I need three or four to get it right), I can't write you everything I'm feeling and thinking. Which might be for the best - a little amnesia about these weeks will probably one day help my relationship with my daughter.

I'm a little sad that the original euphoria wore off so fast, but J pointed out that was chemical anyway. I don't feel that deep well of love every time I look at her, but when she's awake, quiet, and adorable, which happens more and more, I do look at her and feel affectionate. I suppose I'll fall in love for real with her more slowly, over a longer time - which is always the way with real love anyway. Perhaps I was just infatuated before, and the deeper connection is yet to come. I know that I will love her with my whole heart - what's that quote? Having a child means letting your heart walk around outside your body.

Now I need to nap - J is helping to make me do that since I tend to not sleep enough. And mom's helping me eat, another thing I forget to do. So I'm doing OK (except there is literally no food at my house - we cancelled the friends bringing food too fast, because even though mom's here, she's not shopping so she's not able to cook, meaning we're spending way too much...oh anyway I have to stop).

Anyway thanks for being there and for helping me through this. I hope one day it will be so good, I might even want to do it again.

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