Wednesday, September 17, 2008

I figured it out

3 am feedings are fabulous for mental clarity. Last night I sussed out that what was really bugging me wasn't so much that I had to take my class for a grade, or that the faculty might see me as a slacker. What really was getting to me was that I had compromised what I wanted to do and chosen the path that, I thought, made me a better student and more agreeable all around. And the reaction seemed to be that it still wasn't good enough. I had honestly tried to make everyone involved happy, and it wound up backfiring and seemingly making nobody happy. Best laid plans, you know.

Anyway I got the fee waived so that's a blessing. And being graded isn't really a problem since I'll do the same level of work either way. If Maggie winds up getting sick or something, then I'll find some way to deal - that's why God gave us incompletes, right?

It's tough when you feel like you're taking one for the team and the team says no, you're still doing it wrong. Makes it hard to wanna stay on the team.

But I'm here for now, at least for this year. I gotta give it that. And besides, I'm pretty sure I do have some bona fide depression going on, since the insomnia (after that 3 am feeding I pretty much didn't get to sleep again) and the crying jags have started up again. That's just oodles of fun. So I guess I have to medicate myself so I can continue on with life. Joy. I really wish I didn't have to. To me, better living through chemistry is the last resort. But I surely can't go on getting so little sleep. So we'll see. I've been on hold with Kaiser for about 15 mins now...not sure I can mentally handle the process of getting mental help!

Thank the LORD I have a wonderful friend from LA coming up this weekend. I miss my friends SO much!! It's so weird and hard to start over with all new people, even though we've met some great people, they still don't know our history, so it's just not the same. I'm so grateful that God keeps sending me visitors at just the right moments. It's going to be so good! Esp because last night in my insomniac craze I was getting ready to drive back home any moment...

1 comment:

Kirstin said...

Check in with Lizette. She's a priest, an academic, and a mom. She'll get it.