Okay, so I've not been clear. Let me put this another way:
To me, the fat on my body is something I've put on, like a garment. It's not me, it's not part of who I am, and hating it in no way relates to hating myself. It's as benign as hating a shirt I'm wearing.
I don't know what I believe for sure about the soul and the body. I plan to take Nancey Murphy's class at Fuller, and I've been told she thinks they are one and the same. I'm already a big fan of Dallas Willard, and J tells me that in "Renovation of the Heart" Willard states that you are not your body, you are your soul. Yet your body is somehow part of your soul, too.
I have always believed that the body is something other than the soul, and that it will pass away while the soul will continue into eternity. I don't believe it is me. I just don't. I am something other than this mortal vessel.
And I get that from Paul, mostly, who also uses the metaphor of clothing, or sometimes a "tent", to refer to the body. I think there is strong Biblical evidence for the rotting of the flesh while the soul goes on.
That doesn't mean I believe the body is evil, by any means! I'm no gnostic. It's neutral, I think. Like I said, it's like clothes. And clothes can indeed make a statement about who we are. But that doesn't mean they define who we are. Clothes don't make the man.
Or the woman, as it were.
Friday, December 31, 2004
Thursday, December 30, 2004
What would Jesus eat?
So as I am formulating a very complex grocery list, involving strange items such as nutritional yeast flakes, seitan, and flaxseeds, I ponder the inevitable question:
Why do I care so much about what I look like?
We spend so much time and energy on these shells which our real selves inhabit. We are merely dust and clay and earth. God breathes into us and we live, God spits in our eye and we see, God calls and we come forth. But we focus on the part which God fashioned (or formed, if you are male) as our temporary home.
And as much as I wish I could honestly say it is all about being healthy and frustrated with clothes, the reality is...I would like to look good. In the eyes of those who really do not matter, and those who do, and most of all in my own eyes.
God loves me just as I am. God sees the inside and probably could care less about the vessel. It is a miracle that my eyes and legs and stomach and brain and lungs work at all, albeit sometimes not perfectly. Yet how can I complain? I see, and I walk, and my body knows to digest and breathe, and I am capable of rational thought.
Funny how the only creatures with this capability are so obssessed with irrational concerns.
Why do I care so much about what I look like?
We spend so much time and energy on these shells which our real selves inhabit. We are merely dust and clay and earth. God breathes into us and we live, God spits in our eye and we see, God calls and we come forth. But we focus on the part which God fashioned (or formed, if you are male) as our temporary home.
And as much as I wish I could honestly say it is all about being healthy and frustrated with clothes, the reality is...I would like to look good. In the eyes of those who really do not matter, and those who do, and most of all in my own eyes.
God loves me just as I am. God sees the inside and probably could care less about the vessel. It is a miracle that my eyes and legs and stomach and brain and lungs work at all, albeit sometimes not perfectly. Yet how can I complain? I see, and I walk, and my body knows to digest and breathe, and I am capable of rational thought.
Funny how the only creatures with this capability are so obssessed with irrational concerns.
Wednesday, December 29, 2004
NY
That's for New Year's, not New York. Here in California...well I like the way the LA times put it in last Sunday's magazine:
"When New Yorkers jam Times Square to ring in the new year, all they get is a gaudy ball drop and the chance to sing "Auld Lang Syne" with strangers who smell like peppermint schnapps. But here in Southern California, the ultimate all-nighter has a noble purpose. If one is sporting enough to tough it out on Pasadena's Colorado Boulevard until 8 a.m. on New Year's Day, the trophy is an unparalleled front-row view of the Rose Parade in all its floral glory."
(http://www.latimes.com/features/printedition/magazine/la-tm-parade51dec19,1,6595333.story?coll=la-headlines-magazine)
I have been sporting enough TWICE in the past, and I do have to say that while the overnight part really does suck, watching the Rose Parade live is completely different than watching it on TV, and infinitely better. It's one of the few parades left that actually is better in person, because the detail on the floats is simply impossible to see unless they are a few feet away from you. And without smell-o-vision, you'd never know just how glorious the aromas are. It's quite an experience.
But I didn't come to write about that today...I want to write about my resolution, which is completely cliche and pathetic. You guessed it...I want to lose weight. But it really is a health thing (my feet hurt from all the weight - I can't even wear heels anymore), and a money thing (I need to fit back into my clothes rather than keep buying new). I'm not good at dieting at all. So I'm just going to go back to my vegan diet, which I've done before and pretty much cheated completely out of over the last month.
Until I warmed up the leftover lamb from Xmas dinner and almost threw up trying to eat it (ate some eggs too - yuck!). I couldn't handle it. So I think I'm ready to give up eating flesh again for a while. Possibly a very long while. It really grosses me out.
And one other thing: I pulled out the Greek NT today and could not read it. Oh, boy - Exegetical Methods here I come! I'll be re-reading all of my workbook for the next couple of days. UGH!
Oops, I also, as promised, will keep you updated on fil-lms (as they say) I've been watching. Here's the latest (giving a score out of 5):
The Good Girl: Good movie. (3)
Madonna Truth or Dare: this was a fun flashback...I miss that Madonna and oh how I wish I'd seen that Blonde Ambition tour (but she was evil aka sex personified to my parents) (4)
Before Sunset: hey, where's the ending?? (4)
The Terminal: v. enjoyable (4)
Strange Brew: it has lost something since junior high (2)
The Bank Dick: it's official: I'm not a fan of WC Fields (1)
The Commitments: because they always said I should see it...not what I expected, good enough (3)
Pieces of April: I LOVED this movie (4)
Possession: interesting and romantic (3)
East is East: also not what I expected and not very good (2)
A Shot in the Dark: also not a fan of Pink Panther movies (shame, b/c normally love Blake Edwards) (1)
Startup.com: not as good as they say, but a very interesting piece of history (3)
Hour of the Wolf: This is a Bergman film, and it's been a long time since I watched an arty flick, and I'm proud to say I not only stayed awake, I did enjoy it quite a bit. (4)
And J watched American Splendor, which he loved, and Mystic River, which was "okay", and Talk to Her, which I kind of wish I'd joined him for (he thought it was v. romantic...in kind of a twisted way).
"When New Yorkers jam Times Square to ring in the new year, all they get is a gaudy ball drop and the chance to sing "Auld Lang Syne" with strangers who smell like peppermint schnapps. But here in Southern California, the ultimate all-nighter has a noble purpose. If one is sporting enough to tough it out on Pasadena's Colorado Boulevard until 8 a.m. on New Year's Day, the trophy is an unparalleled front-row view of the Rose Parade in all its floral glory."
(http://www.latimes.com/features/printedition/magazine/la-tm-parade51dec19,1,6595333.story?coll=la-headlines-magazine)
I have been sporting enough TWICE in the past, and I do have to say that while the overnight part really does suck, watching the Rose Parade live is completely different than watching it on TV, and infinitely better. It's one of the few parades left that actually is better in person, because the detail on the floats is simply impossible to see unless they are a few feet away from you. And without smell-o-vision, you'd never know just how glorious the aromas are. It's quite an experience.
But I didn't come to write about that today...I want to write about my resolution, which is completely cliche and pathetic. You guessed it...I want to lose weight. But it really is a health thing (my feet hurt from all the weight - I can't even wear heels anymore), and a money thing (I need to fit back into my clothes rather than keep buying new). I'm not good at dieting at all. So I'm just going to go back to my vegan diet, which I've done before and pretty much cheated completely out of over the last month.
Until I warmed up the leftover lamb from Xmas dinner and almost threw up trying to eat it (ate some eggs too - yuck!). I couldn't handle it. So I think I'm ready to give up eating flesh again for a while. Possibly a very long while. It really grosses me out.
And one other thing: I pulled out the Greek NT today and could not read it. Oh, boy - Exegetical Methods here I come! I'll be re-reading all of my workbook for the next couple of days. UGH!
Oops, I also, as promised, will keep you updated on fil-lms (as they say) I've been watching. Here's the latest (giving a score out of 5):
The Good Girl: Good movie. (3)
Madonna Truth or Dare: this was a fun flashback...I miss that Madonna and oh how I wish I'd seen that Blonde Ambition tour (but she was evil aka sex personified to my parents) (4)
Before Sunset: hey, where's the ending?? (4)
The Terminal: v. enjoyable (4)
Strange Brew: it has lost something since junior high (2)
The Bank Dick: it's official: I'm not a fan of WC Fields (1)
The Commitments: because they always said I should see it...not what I expected, good enough (3)
Pieces of April: I LOVED this movie (4)
Possession: interesting and romantic (3)
East is East: also not what I expected and not very good (2)
A Shot in the Dark: also not a fan of Pink Panther movies (shame, b/c normally love Blake Edwards) (1)
Startup.com: not as good as they say, but a very interesting piece of history (3)
Hour of the Wolf: This is a Bergman film, and it's been a long time since I watched an arty flick, and I'm proud to say I not only stayed awake, I did enjoy it quite a bit. (4)
And J watched American Splendor, which he loved, and Mystic River, which was "okay", and Talk to Her, which I kind of wish I'd joined him for (he thought it was v. romantic...in kind of a twisted way).
Saturday, December 25, 2004
This Little Babe
So thanks be to God, it happened. I got the Spirit. More accurately, I got completely bowled over by how absolutely incredible this whole incarnation event really was. We were singing the First Noel and it hit me how giant a thing Christmas was - it was such a cosmic event that a celestial choir felt the need to break through the veil and proclaim their excitement to humanity. Perhaps they just feared we would miss this all-important shift in the universal scheme of things, so they had to come and say, "Wake up! Look at what's happening! This is huge!". Whyever the angels considered it necessary to go beyond the usual proper boundaries of heaven and earth, their message rings true for us now.
This Little Babe
This little Babe so few days old,
Is come to rifle Satan's fold;
All hell doth at his presence quake,
Though he himself for cold do shake;
For in this weak unarmed wise
The gates of hell he will surprise.
With tears he fights and wins the field,
His naked breast stands for a shield;
His battering shot are babish cries,
His arrows look of weeping eyes,
His martial ensigns Cold and Need,
And feeble Flesh his warrior's steed.
His camp is pitched in a stall,
His bulwark but a broken wall;
The crib his trench, haystalks his stakes;
Of shepherds he his muster makes;
And thus as sure his foe to wound,
The angels' trumps alarum sound.
My soul, with Christ join thou in fight;
Stick to the tents that he hath pight.
Within his crib is surest ward;
This little Babe will be thy guard.
If thou wilt foil thy foes with joy,
Then flit not from this heavenly Boy.
Robert Southwell, c.1561-95
This Little Babe
This little Babe so few days old,
Is come to rifle Satan's fold;
All hell doth at his presence quake,
Though he himself for cold do shake;
For in this weak unarmed wise
The gates of hell he will surprise.
With tears he fights and wins the field,
His naked breast stands for a shield;
His battering shot are babish cries,
His arrows look of weeping eyes,
His martial ensigns Cold and Need,
And feeble Flesh his warrior's steed.
His camp is pitched in a stall,
His bulwark but a broken wall;
The crib his trench, haystalks his stakes;
Of shepherds he his muster makes;
And thus as sure his foe to wound,
The angels' trumps alarum sound.
My soul, with Christ join thou in fight;
Stick to the tents that he hath pight.
Within his crib is surest ward;
This little Babe will be thy guard.
If thou wilt foil thy foes with joy,
Then flit not from this heavenly Boy.
Robert Southwell, c.1561-95
Thursday, December 23, 2004
What I watched on my Christmas Vacation
Okay, here are my movie recommendations or not - maybe you'll be reminded of something you meant to see:
The Bourne Supremacy - J says it is better than #1; I think I like #1 better but still a good flick.
Da Ali G Show, Season 1 - awesome. Laughed so hard, especially at Disc 2. Interview with James Lipton (and Lipton rapping) is priceless. If you haven't heard of this show, RENT IT. It takes some getting into, but it's really genius. I don't even want to tell you anything else about it because it's such fun to be surprised by it.
The Office Special - very nice ending to a great series. (the whole series) Grows funnier every day as we rehash our favorite moments.
Two Brothers - I cried and cried. So sad, what we do to animals! Bad people!! In the end, all works out, but man, what an emotional rollercoaster. I'm a sucker for kitties. The DVD extra features were pretty much stock footage, but I'll watch cats all day.
Carmen Jones - I enjoyed this musical (opera of Carmen retooled by Hammerstein for an African-American cast set during...some war?), although it is a bit dated. But it was fun to hear and see Bizet reinterpreted.
Shoot the Piano Player - Truffaut. I think I prefer Jules et Jim, but this was also very good. Amazing how far ahead of us the French were - that is, it has a very modern sensibility even though it's not a recent film. Reminds me of "Charade" in that way, which completely seems like a 90's movie (definitely see that version instead of "The Truth About Charlie").
Ran - Okay, I know this is one of the most celebrated movies of all time. And I appreciated its beauty, definitely, and the story, which was King Lear, so how can you go wrong. But I did lose interest. Curse my attention span! I came back at the end for all the executioning of course.
Shattered Glass - I watched this again with J who'd never seen it. I haven't seen him so excited about a story in ages. He talked through the entire movie and for hours afterwards. The DVD has a great commentary by the director and the real Chuck Lange, the editor who caught Stephen Glass lying. Really enjoyed that.
All the President's Men - we're in kind of a journalism trend, here. This has been on the list to watch for ages. It was definitely good, but as I recall, the book was much better.
The Fog of War - wow! What a fascinating film this was!! It's a documentary subtitled "Eleven lessons from the life of Robert S. McNamara" (the former Secretary of Defense under JFK and LBJ). This man is completely riveting, the filmmaker does a great job of keeping it moving along (and not being just a talking head), and the score by Philip Glass is worth the rental alone.
Hellraiser - yes, indeed. This was really interesting in the fact that we both kind of took it on one level, but then listened to the commentary, and found this whole new level of meaning. It's basically all about family disfunction. But it's also about how people who do bad things get what's coming to them. Ironically, a Christian concept. (taken to it's most obvious in Scott Derrickson's "Hellraiser V: Inferno", which is worth a look-see if you like horror films. Derrickson is a Christian - went to Biola U - and basically makes a film exploring the wages of sin).
Mystic River - J is watching as I type this. Sounds like there's some overacting going on. But I can't really say. Will post his notes.
So far I think my favorite movie I've seen this year is "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind". Great, great flick. Exactly the kind of movie I like.
But what a year it was - I also got into "The West Wing", which turned out to be so much fun, and finished up "Sex and the City", "Friends" and "Angel", all milestone shows. Continuing my obsession with all things Indian, I discovered Shah Rukh Khan (hottie!!) and his great films "Devdas" and "Asoka", as well as the charmer "Kandoukondain, Kandoukondain" (based on Sense & Sensibility). All are such wonderful films and so NOT American.
I also enjoyed this year:
"The Incredibles" (better than I expected)
"Kill Bill" (which is really just one movie - and a genius one that even my mother loved) "Spiderman 2" (good Christ imagery)
"Hero" (beautiful but it's no Crouching Tiger)
"Farenheit 911" (because I happen to like Michael Moore)
"Touching the Void" (this is a stunning movie - it's been shown on PBS already and may show again)
"Mean Girls" (clever and true)
And I'm looking forward to:
The Aviator
Sideways
Hotel Rwanda
House of Flying Daggers
The Terminal
Ray
Shaun of the Dead
Collateral (largely because it takes place in my neighborhood)
Birth (and maybe Dogville)
Not too crazy about the Passion, though. Oh well.
I should post this because it is getting really long. I will post more - we have dozens more films sitting here. This list was just since Sunday.
The Bourne Supremacy - J says it is better than #1; I think I like #1 better but still a good flick.
Da Ali G Show, Season 1 - awesome. Laughed so hard, especially at Disc 2. Interview with James Lipton (and Lipton rapping) is priceless. If you haven't heard of this show, RENT IT. It takes some getting into, but it's really genius. I don't even want to tell you anything else about it because it's such fun to be surprised by it.
The Office Special - very nice ending to a great series. (the whole series) Grows funnier every day as we rehash our favorite moments.
Two Brothers - I cried and cried. So sad, what we do to animals! Bad people!! In the end, all works out, but man, what an emotional rollercoaster. I'm a sucker for kitties. The DVD extra features were pretty much stock footage, but I'll watch cats all day.
Carmen Jones - I enjoyed this musical (opera of Carmen retooled by Hammerstein for an African-American cast set during...some war?), although it is a bit dated. But it was fun to hear and see Bizet reinterpreted.
Shoot the Piano Player - Truffaut. I think I prefer Jules et Jim, but this was also very good. Amazing how far ahead of us the French were - that is, it has a very modern sensibility even though it's not a recent film. Reminds me of "Charade" in that way, which completely seems like a 90's movie (definitely see that version instead of "The Truth About Charlie").
Ran - Okay, I know this is one of the most celebrated movies of all time. And I appreciated its beauty, definitely, and the story, which was King Lear, so how can you go wrong. But I did lose interest. Curse my attention span! I came back at the end for all the executioning of course.
Shattered Glass - I watched this again with J who'd never seen it. I haven't seen him so excited about a story in ages. He talked through the entire movie and for hours afterwards. The DVD has a great commentary by the director and the real Chuck Lange, the editor who caught Stephen Glass lying. Really enjoyed that.
All the President's Men - we're in kind of a journalism trend, here. This has been on the list to watch for ages. It was definitely good, but as I recall, the book was much better.
The Fog of War - wow! What a fascinating film this was!! It's a documentary subtitled "Eleven lessons from the life of Robert S. McNamara" (the former Secretary of Defense under JFK and LBJ). This man is completely riveting, the filmmaker does a great job of keeping it moving along (and not being just a talking head), and the score by Philip Glass is worth the rental alone.
Hellraiser - yes, indeed. This was really interesting in the fact that we both kind of took it on one level, but then listened to the commentary, and found this whole new level of meaning. It's basically all about family disfunction. But it's also about how people who do bad things get what's coming to them. Ironically, a Christian concept. (taken to it's most obvious in Scott Derrickson's "Hellraiser V: Inferno", which is worth a look-see if you like horror films. Derrickson is a Christian - went to Biola U - and basically makes a film exploring the wages of sin).
Mystic River - J is watching as I type this. Sounds like there's some overacting going on. But I can't really say. Will post his notes.
So far I think my favorite movie I've seen this year is "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind". Great, great flick. Exactly the kind of movie I like.
But what a year it was - I also got into "The West Wing", which turned out to be so much fun, and finished up "Sex and the City", "Friends" and "Angel", all milestone shows. Continuing my obsession with all things Indian, I discovered Shah Rukh Khan (hottie!!) and his great films "Devdas" and "Asoka", as well as the charmer "Kandoukondain, Kandoukondain" (based on Sense & Sensibility). All are such wonderful films and so NOT American.
I also enjoyed this year:
"The Incredibles" (better than I expected)
"Kill Bill" (which is really just one movie - and a genius one that even my mother loved) "Spiderman 2" (good Christ imagery)
"Hero" (beautiful but it's no Crouching Tiger)
"Farenheit 911" (because I happen to like Michael Moore)
"Touching the Void" (this is a stunning movie - it's been shown on PBS already and may show again)
"Mean Girls" (clever and true)
And I'm looking forward to:
The Aviator
Sideways
Hotel Rwanda
House of Flying Daggers
The Terminal
Ray
Shaun of the Dead
Collateral (largely because it takes place in my neighborhood)
Birth (and maybe Dogville)
Not too crazy about the Passion, though. Oh well.
I should post this because it is getting really long. I will post more - we have dozens more films sitting here. This list was just since Sunday.
Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays
I am all for giving "Happy Holidays" to the secularists, the retail establishments, the government, the private sector, and those with no particular religious inclination. I am actually somewhat offended that "Merry Christmas" has shown up in the malls again - and I know it is at the behest of Christians. But come on, people - didn't we get mad in the first place because Christmas had become such a shop-fest? And now, after the retailers had created this nice alternative "holidays", we're complaining that they need to put Jesus back in the malls.
Let's have our Merry Christmas for the Church, and let everyone else have whatever they want to celebrate. And let's let the shopping juggernaut use "Happy Holidays". Isn't it less bothersome for them to respect the fact that Christmas really has nothing to do with gifts, elves, flying reindeer, and spending money?
Check out this site: http://www.buynothingchristmas.org
This is actually the same issue as marriage. Marriage is a sacrament, and frankly I don't feel it should be legislated by a non-religious government. So give back marriage to the religions, and those who prefer not to be affiliated with a religion can have a civil union. The government can set up its tax system and whatever else for the civil unions, and marriage can simply be something that a religious couple chooses to enter into based upon their heartfelt desire to honor their god(s). And those without religion, who don't want God mentioned in their ceremony, can have it their way and still have the legal benefits of marriage.
With this system, everyone can stop worrying about legally allowing civil unions for GLTB couples - the problem of equal rights is solved. And then the churches/synagogues/mosques/temples/etc. can decide each on their own whether to grant their sacrament of marriage to the couple. This should please the religious establishment - the power to grant the sacrament as they see fit is back in their hands. It protects the sanctity of marriage.
Truly, wouldn't this make a more clean separation of church and state?
But anyway, to those for whom I've purchased items, Happy Holidays, and to everyone, Merry Christmas, and thanks be to God for sending us a Savior.
Let's have our Merry Christmas for the Church, and let everyone else have whatever they want to celebrate. And let's let the shopping juggernaut use "Happy Holidays". Isn't it less bothersome for them to respect the fact that Christmas really has nothing to do with gifts, elves, flying reindeer, and spending money?
Check out this site: http://www.buynothingchristmas.org
This is actually the same issue as marriage. Marriage is a sacrament, and frankly I don't feel it should be legislated by a non-religious government. So give back marriage to the religions, and those who prefer not to be affiliated with a religion can have a civil union. The government can set up its tax system and whatever else for the civil unions, and marriage can simply be something that a religious couple chooses to enter into based upon their heartfelt desire to honor their god(s). And those without religion, who don't want God mentioned in their ceremony, can have it their way and still have the legal benefits of marriage.
With this system, everyone can stop worrying about legally allowing civil unions for GLTB couples - the problem of equal rights is solved. And then the churches/synagogues/mosques/temples/etc. can decide each on their own whether to grant their sacrament of marriage to the couple. This should please the religious establishment - the power to grant the sacrament as they see fit is back in their hands. It protects the sanctity of marriage.
Truly, wouldn't this make a more clean separation of church and state?
But anyway, to those for whom I've purchased items, Happy Holidays, and to everyone, Merry Christmas, and thanks be to God for sending us a Savior.
Monday, December 20, 2004
God bless us, every one
Are you about sick of the word "blessings" right now?
I mean, come on, how many stinking more letters am I going to have to read in which the author regales me with all the blessings in her life, the blessing of family coming for Christmas and the blessing of the new car and the blessing of the dog being run over by the car because didn't that just make us all realize how precious life really is?
Are all these things blessings? It's not unlike blaming God for bad things that happen...do we spend too much time thinking God has rained down blessings?
Don't get me wrong. I am not saying that God isn't about blessing every one of us every single day. But I worry about assigning that term to such mundane occurances as finding your keys or eating a sandwich or even getting that new car... Aren't we then reinforcing the (unconscious) idea that God is some kind of cosmic vending machine?
When we say that we're blessed what we mean is that we're happy. But usually we're happy because something earthly, something appealing to our temporal selves, something shiny or tasty or debt-relieving has come into our lives. And I'm not entirely sure God wants to be known as simply a source of these blessings. I think he expects more of us. I think he wants more of us.
And I think he wants to give us more.
And anyway, what happens when the happiness is gone? Who does God become then?
*
*
*
*
*
(in the interest of full disclosure, I sent out a card that closed with "Christmas Blessings"...and I've heard it drip off my lips like so much candy cane drool way too many times in the last few days)
I mean, come on, how many stinking more letters am I going to have to read in which the author regales me with all the blessings in her life, the blessing of family coming for Christmas and the blessing of the new car and the blessing of the dog being run over by the car because didn't that just make us all realize how precious life really is?
Are all these things blessings? It's not unlike blaming God for bad things that happen...do we spend too much time thinking God has rained down blessings?
Don't get me wrong. I am not saying that God isn't about blessing every one of us every single day. But I worry about assigning that term to such mundane occurances as finding your keys or eating a sandwich or even getting that new car... Aren't we then reinforcing the (unconscious) idea that God is some kind of cosmic vending machine?
When we say that we're blessed what we mean is that we're happy. But usually we're happy because something earthly, something appealing to our temporal selves, something shiny or tasty or debt-relieving has come into our lives. And I'm not entirely sure God wants to be known as simply a source of these blessings. I think he expects more of us. I think he wants more of us.
And I think he wants to give us more.
And anyway, what happens when the happiness is gone? Who does God become then?
*
*
*
*
*
(in the interest of full disclosure, I sent out a card that closed with "Christmas Blessings"...and I've heard it drip off my lips like so much candy cane drool way too many times in the last few days)
Saturday, December 18, 2004
Have I lost you?
Hmmm...no comments in a long time. Is it too busy this time of year? Or did I lose people when I was not writing? Or did I just get *gasp* boring?
Wow...low self-esteem in the blogosphere. Amazing that I've gone from writing because I want to put down my thoughts to also writing because I want people to respond. I like to stir up the pot. And, dammit, I like attention.
I have so many insecurities. I have to take little pills, three a day, to ensure that my emotions stay in check. That I don't become unstable...unable to control what I am feeling to stay in a normal state of being.
The music director at the Crystal Cathedral just killed himself, after locking himself in his office for hours. During what would have been a performance of his Christmas show. He was just depressed. I wonder about the help he was given by his church. Did they try to cast it out of him? Did they tell him to pray harder and read his Bible? Did people infer that he was somehow not in touch with God or not honoring God with his life because he was not feeling "joy"?
I don't like the weight I am at but I am way too in love with food (in a foodie way, not a dangerous way) to stop eating well. And by "well", I don't mean "healthy".
I want to be a scholar and yet I am so lazy. I sit and watch movies - good ones, but still. I love them. I love to escape. And somehow books have not been holding my attention. Which is not going to be good for graduate study.
I actually forget to pray. It's not that I'm too busy or too tired or any of the normal excuses. And it's not that I feel unloved or out of touch or unwelcome or any of the normal neuroses. I simply forget. At least, I forget to pray in the way that others consider prayer.
But God is part of my every day, every minute life. He is in my bloodstream. He is firing the synapses in my brain. I don't think on him constantly but I act as if I do. Meaning that my actions are informed by my living in harmony with the way he has set up the world. And the language about him doesn't come out affected, but it's a real part of what I talk about. I don't set out to do something for God or think about him or pray to him or tell someone about it. But I think it happens. I think it does. Because I'm just going along doing my thing and I know he is there, and he is in control.
And it's not like a struggle. I've never fought with God over what my life is supposed to be. It's never occured to me not to just keep putting one foot in front of the other. Because things just keep coming that seem like the right thing, seem like him showing me the next thing to do. And so it's not a big deal. It's just living.
I'm not putting up the Christmas tree or pretty much any decoration. I got out the stockings since my mother sent stuff to put in them. She also sent a tinsel fiber-optic tree, 3 ft tall, which is simply awesome. It twinkles quietly over there, with 3 presents under it - from parents and two siblings - and that's enough.
I got a fat bonus from church which was an amazing surprise, and I'm sending most of it to said siblings so they can take their spouses on nice dates. I love dating my husband (the rest of the bonus will go for a nice one for us), and I want them to have that too. And sometimes it just takes a little cash.
I have always loved giving extravagantly when I can. Perhaps another way God's nature manifests. He loves us so ridiculously much. And I'm sure he poo-poos my little anxieties. And I do too, when I stop and think. I am so thankful for my life. Even though I am hacking up a lung at the moment. I am going to go love my husband now, and get the cat out of the shipping boxes. Maybe make hot chocolate. Peace and joy.
Wow...low self-esteem in the blogosphere. Amazing that I've gone from writing because I want to put down my thoughts to also writing because I want people to respond. I like to stir up the pot. And, dammit, I like attention.
I have so many insecurities. I have to take little pills, three a day, to ensure that my emotions stay in check. That I don't become unstable...unable to control what I am feeling to stay in a normal state of being.
The music director at the Crystal Cathedral just killed himself, after locking himself in his office for hours. During what would have been a performance of his Christmas show. He was just depressed. I wonder about the help he was given by his church. Did they try to cast it out of him? Did they tell him to pray harder and read his Bible? Did people infer that he was somehow not in touch with God or not honoring God with his life because he was not feeling "joy"?
I don't like the weight I am at but I am way too in love with food (in a foodie way, not a dangerous way) to stop eating well. And by "well", I don't mean "healthy".
I want to be a scholar and yet I am so lazy. I sit and watch movies - good ones, but still. I love them. I love to escape. And somehow books have not been holding my attention. Which is not going to be good for graduate study.
I actually forget to pray. It's not that I'm too busy or too tired or any of the normal excuses. And it's not that I feel unloved or out of touch or unwelcome or any of the normal neuroses. I simply forget. At least, I forget to pray in the way that others consider prayer.
But God is part of my every day, every minute life. He is in my bloodstream. He is firing the synapses in my brain. I don't think on him constantly but I act as if I do. Meaning that my actions are informed by my living in harmony with the way he has set up the world. And the language about him doesn't come out affected, but it's a real part of what I talk about. I don't set out to do something for God or think about him or pray to him or tell someone about it. But I think it happens. I think it does. Because I'm just going along doing my thing and I know he is there, and he is in control.
And it's not like a struggle. I've never fought with God over what my life is supposed to be. It's never occured to me not to just keep putting one foot in front of the other. Because things just keep coming that seem like the right thing, seem like him showing me the next thing to do. And so it's not a big deal. It's just living.
I'm not putting up the Christmas tree or pretty much any decoration. I got out the stockings since my mother sent stuff to put in them. She also sent a tinsel fiber-optic tree, 3 ft tall, which is simply awesome. It twinkles quietly over there, with 3 presents under it - from parents and two siblings - and that's enough.
I got a fat bonus from church which was an amazing surprise, and I'm sending most of it to said siblings so they can take their spouses on nice dates. I love dating my husband (the rest of the bonus will go for a nice one for us), and I want them to have that too. And sometimes it just takes a little cash.
I have always loved giving extravagantly when I can. Perhaps another way God's nature manifests. He loves us so ridiculously much. And I'm sure he poo-poos my little anxieties. And I do too, when I stop and think. I am so thankful for my life. Even though I am hacking up a lung at the moment. I am going to go love my husband now, and get the cat out of the shipping boxes. Maybe make hot chocolate. Peace and joy.
Wednesday, December 15, 2004
Yoga and Christianity
As a one-time practicioner of yoga, I found this article terribly interesting. And while on the surface it looks like something to be scoffed at, I wonder if this person isn't on to something. Not that I think Jesus traveled to India as a youth, necessarily, but when I was doing yoga I was discovering so many parallels with my Christian walk and practice. In fact, I was much better at praying and meditating upon God when I was in practice. It is interesting to think about. I'm a big advocate for at least the health, mental and emotional benefits of yoga, and I can't help but agree that there are also spiritual benefits.
Anyway, here is what I am talking about:
http://www.latimes.com/news/local/la-me-beliefs11dec11,1,669165.story
A new book compiled from the works of a guru who died 52 years ago offers thoughts on Jesus' teachings and their unity with yoga.
(free registration required)
Anyway, here is what I am talking about:
http://www.latimes.com/news/local/la-me-beliefs11dec11,1,669165.story
A new book compiled from the works of a guru who died 52 years ago offers thoughts on Jesus' teachings and their unity with yoga.
(free registration required)
Tuesday, December 14, 2004
Xmas time
Ho ho ho. I have almost no awareness of it being Christmas season. Largely this is due to my staying away from most retail establishments. I threw a big party that involved nothing remotely Xmasey except I did provide egg nog and candy canes since they were on sale and hey, those are good whenever you can get them.
I have been in such the funk. I am not keeping up with Greek and I suppose it will all be gone by the time the next quarter comes around. I have been sick pretty much since school let out and see no signs of recovering despite my best efforts to drink many fortified smoothies and veg out in front of the TV all day. Or today I tried going out for air but it's like 80 degrees in LA and that just feels wrong right now. At least in my house it's cool and dark. More wintry.
In the past when we've stayed here for Xmas I've gotten depressed. This year I've told my friends to call me because otherwise I may just forget the day. Which couldn't really happen: I'm singing a zillion services around that day so it's unlikely I'll lose track.
See here is the hard part. How does one observe Advent without completely cutting out Christmas? I have lost my interest in the season altogether instead of focusing on advent-y stuff. Which sucks for my friends and family because I'm putting no effort whatsoever into gift giving (although in the end they'll probably be pleased because I imagine I'll just visit the ATM in a panic on Dec. 24 and send cold hard cash). But again, there I go. Was getting into Christmas always about listening to music, eating certain food, having a party, decorating, exchanging gifts (or, for me, the sheer pleasure of choosing that perfect thing, spending hours shopping and wrapping, and finally the breathless anticipation of watching them open with glee)?
Will things change next week? Will I suddenly be flush with expectation of the coming of Christ?
This year, my theme verse for Advent has seemed to be Psalm 119:19. "I am a stranger here on earth."
You and me both, baby Jesus.
I have been in such the funk. I am not keeping up with Greek and I suppose it will all be gone by the time the next quarter comes around. I have been sick pretty much since school let out and see no signs of recovering despite my best efforts to drink many fortified smoothies and veg out in front of the TV all day. Or today I tried going out for air but it's like 80 degrees in LA and that just feels wrong right now. At least in my house it's cool and dark. More wintry.
In the past when we've stayed here for Xmas I've gotten depressed. This year I've told my friends to call me because otherwise I may just forget the day. Which couldn't really happen: I'm singing a zillion services around that day so it's unlikely I'll lose track.
See here is the hard part. How does one observe Advent without completely cutting out Christmas? I have lost my interest in the season altogether instead of focusing on advent-y stuff. Which sucks for my friends and family because I'm putting no effort whatsoever into gift giving (although in the end they'll probably be pleased because I imagine I'll just visit the ATM in a panic on Dec. 24 and send cold hard cash). But again, there I go. Was getting into Christmas always about listening to music, eating certain food, having a party, decorating, exchanging gifts (or, for me, the sheer pleasure of choosing that perfect thing, spending hours shopping and wrapping, and finally the breathless anticipation of watching them open with glee)?
Will things change next week? Will I suddenly be flush with expectation of the coming of Christ?
This year, my theme verse for Advent has seemed to be Psalm 119:19. "I am a stranger here on earth."
You and me both, baby Jesus.
Thursday, December 09, 2004
Forgive me...
The Feminarian repents for not writing for so long. I have been really sick. I took my Greek final in a fog of Robutussin, Trazadone and DayQuil. Should be amusing for my professor to grade.
Anyway can't knock this bug, and it's eating my brain, keeping me from having coherent thoughts about much of anything. Best thing is to sit in front of television and eat dark chocolate. Did you know there is something in dark chocolate that tells your body not to cough? It works. I ran out last night. Must get more chocolate.
So now am back to the world of regular work, no school, which is strange. Miss school already! Greek is quickly evaporating from oh-so-mushy brain!
Read old posts if you like. I will try to come back soon. Meantime I am diverting myself with TV shows: Firefly, The Office, Da Ali G Show, and Lost. Check it out. Peace.
Anyway can't knock this bug, and it's eating my brain, keeping me from having coherent thoughts about much of anything. Best thing is to sit in front of television and eat dark chocolate. Did you know there is something in dark chocolate that tells your body not to cough? It works. I ran out last night. Must get more chocolate.
So now am back to the world of regular work, no school, which is strange. Miss school already! Greek is quickly evaporating from oh-so-mushy brain!
Read old posts if you like. I will try to come back soon. Meantime I am diverting myself with TV shows: Firefly, The Office, Da Ali G Show, and Lost. Check it out. Peace.
Wednesday, December 01, 2004
I tried going to chapel again. Bad idea.
It started out promisingly enough. We were instructed to stand around the edges of the room and we all held candles. A choral group sang a wonderful advent hymn. It was beautiful. Except there was a woman who seemed to be a dancer (I guessed this because she was wearing a leotard) who was apparently warming up, flitting up and down the stairs and occasionally twirling. No, wait. That was the dance.
Moving on, we sit, we watch some nice slides of (okay the dude next to me in the computer lab just farted) medieval art, some nice classical music plays. I can be down with this. A little scripture is read. I don't really like it when people "act" scripture reading (because usually it just involves waving your hands around while your elbows remain stuck to your sides), but whatever, I can deal.
Then suddenly we have people in seriously makeshift Xmas pageant costumes come and be a "living nativity". They perform a painfully bad sketch in which the journey of the wise men becomes an argument between three folks about asking for directions and using GPS; the shepherds become homeless immigrants who think the angel is the INS; and Mary and Joseph are apparently raising their child in El Monte. Really.
One friend said later that he was going to need to seriously repent after watching that.
Ha. I say the person who created it needs to repent!
But back to the story. Next a woman did her best Ani DiFranco impersonation while leading us in some Christmas carols (darn, I was hoping we'd stick to the promised Advent theme). The living nativity broke up. Finally, my favorite diva friend from the first chapel of the year came out to lead more singing of more carols (people, not Christmas yet!), and actually held herself back. I was proud of her. Except that I think she ad libbed something about "El Monte".
The big finish was, "Well, good luck on finals. See you after Christmas." Yes indeedy, seminarians, go out and celebrate the coming of Christ by focusing on some tests and presents!
I can't say anything without sounding like a broken record. I am just pleased that I was not alone. In fact, I don't think there were too many people present who accepted that as the best we could offer the Lord in worship.
sigh
Moving on, we sit, we watch some nice slides of (okay the dude next to me in the computer lab just farted) medieval art, some nice classical music plays. I can be down with this. A little scripture is read. I don't really like it when people "act" scripture reading (because usually it just involves waving your hands around while your elbows remain stuck to your sides), but whatever, I can deal.
Then suddenly we have people in seriously makeshift Xmas pageant costumes come and be a "living nativity". They perform a painfully bad sketch in which the journey of the wise men becomes an argument between three folks about asking for directions and using GPS; the shepherds become homeless immigrants who think the angel is the INS; and Mary and Joseph are apparently raising their child in El Monte. Really.
One friend said later that he was going to need to seriously repent after watching that.
Ha. I say the person who created it needs to repent!
But back to the story. Next a woman did her best Ani DiFranco impersonation while leading us in some Christmas carols (darn, I was hoping we'd stick to the promised Advent theme). The living nativity broke up. Finally, my favorite diva friend from the first chapel of the year came out to lead more singing of more carols (people, not Christmas yet!), and actually held herself back. I was proud of her. Except that I think she ad libbed something about "El Monte".
The big finish was, "Well, good luck on finals. See you after Christmas." Yes indeedy, seminarians, go out and celebrate the coming of Christ by focusing on some tests and presents!
I can't say anything without sounding like a broken record. I am just pleased that I was not alone. In fact, I don't think there were too many people present who accepted that as the best we could offer the Lord in worship.
sigh
Tuesday, November 30, 2004
Charismania
I read a great story today. Check it out: http://killingthebuddha.com/confession/fresh.htm
Here is my story that is similar:
When I was at Wheaton I was involved in the theater group. We would go on retreat every year, and as arty people do, we'd have a service to close the day that was spontaneous and free, involving a lot of candles and people piping up in prayer or song and others joining or sitting quietly or whatever. My freshman year, it was one of the highlights of the whole year for me. But my sophomore year, something very strange happened.
The service was going along fine, when all of a sudden we heard what sounded like screams coming from the basement of the church. A few moments later, the doors to the chapel burst open and a huge commotion entered the room. Running up to the altar were several of my peers, carrying one of the girls from the group. She was the person screaming. They threw her down on the altar and began yelling all these rebukes against unseen forces. Her eyes were wide, then rolling, and she was flailing all around. Those around her were responding to her every move by yelling at whatever they thought was causing it.
It should be noted that this girl wasn't exactly 100%. She had mental problems, and she was known as an attention seeker and something of an exaggerator. Sadly, the most obvious thing I could see going on as I pondered it later was a desperate plea for the attention that had been focused on God to be moved in her direction.
But at the time, I was simply choked with terror. A strong feeling of something evil and dark had filled the room upon their entry, and everything had been thrown into utter chaos. People were screaming and jumping over pews and acting completely crazy. It was complete pandemonium.
I slipped out (stepping over bodies on the way) and went downstairs. There I found a group of my friends, all with fear in their eyes, shaking and trying to process what they'd experienced. We talked about our mutual sense of dread and doubts about the authenticity of what was going on. We tried to pray or at least sit quietly waiting for it all to pass.
Then the lights went out, everyone screamed, and the fire alarms went off. That was about the maximum any of us could handle, and adrenaline got me outside somehow. Instead of the usual passing of the peace and warm tidings as we took our leave, people left in groups, some sullen, some still crying, some joyful. I got out as fast as I could.
Later that week we received a letter from the program director stating that the Spirit had moved, but he understood that some of us had not experienced this and needed counseling. Huh? Apparently those of us who were disturbed by the drama were simply screwed up in the head. Otherwise we certainly would have recognized the Spirit at work.
So I decided that if that was God's spirit at work, I wanted nothing to do with it. I hated the chaos and the fear that came along with it. I hated the privelege of only a few to be included in the work, while the rest of us just had to take it on faith. For years, any time someone would begin anything remotely charismatic (even just lifting a hand during worship), I would beat it out of there as quickly as I could.
Take what you want from this story. It's mine and a few others'. We share it to give insight and warning and reminders. I came back, but not everyone will.
Here is my story that is similar:
When I was at Wheaton I was involved in the theater group. We would go on retreat every year, and as arty people do, we'd have a service to close the day that was spontaneous and free, involving a lot of candles and people piping up in prayer or song and others joining or sitting quietly or whatever. My freshman year, it was one of the highlights of the whole year for me. But my sophomore year, something very strange happened.
The service was going along fine, when all of a sudden we heard what sounded like screams coming from the basement of the church. A few moments later, the doors to the chapel burst open and a huge commotion entered the room. Running up to the altar were several of my peers, carrying one of the girls from the group. She was the person screaming. They threw her down on the altar and began yelling all these rebukes against unseen forces. Her eyes were wide, then rolling, and she was flailing all around. Those around her were responding to her every move by yelling at whatever they thought was causing it.
It should be noted that this girl wasn't exactly 100%. She had mental problems, and she was known as an attention seeker and something of an exaggerator. Sadly, the most obvious thing I could see going on as I pondered it later was a desperate plea for the attention that had been focused on God to be moved in her direction.
But at the time, I was simply choked with terror. A strong feeling of something evil and dark had filled the room upon their entry, and everything had been thrown into utter chaos. People were screaming and jumping over pews and acting completely crazy. It was complete pandemonium.
I slipped out (stepping over bodies on the way) and went downstairs. There I found a group of my friends, all with fear in their eyes, shaking and trying to process what they'd experienced. We talked about our mutual sense of dread and doubts about the authenticity of what was going on. We tried to pray or at least sit quietly waiting for it all to pass.
Then the lights went out, everyone screamed, and the fire alarms went off. That was about the maximum any of us could handle, and adrenaline got me outside somehow. Instead of the usual passing of the peace and warm tidings as we took our leave, people left in groups, some sullen, some still crying, some joyful. I got out as fast as I could.
Later that week we received a letter from the program director stating that the Spirit had moved, but he understood that some of us had not experienced this and needed counseling. Huh? Apparently those of us who were disturbed by the drama were simply screwed up in the head. Otherwise we certainly would have recognized the Spirit at work.
So I decided that if that was God's spirit at work, I wanted nothing to do with it. I hated the chaos and the fear that came along with it. I hated the privelege of only a few to be included in the work, while the rest of us just had to take it on faith. For years, any time someone would begin anything remotely charismatic (even just lifting a hand during worship), I would beat it out of there as quickly as I could.
Take what you want from this story. It's mine and a few others'. We share it to give insight and warning and reminders. I came back, but not everyone will.
Saturday, November 27, 2004
Autobiography
Here are some excerpts from this paper...
A Church Autobiography
I am a pastor’s kid, and was literally raised at church (I even took my first steps on the youth group bus). My parents spent my first two years with a hippie congregation in the mountains of Santa Cruz, and then moved to Illinois where my dad was youth pastor with an Evangelical Free Church (very fundamentalist, very Swedish) for 19 years. I was heavily involved in everything I “should” be as the pastor’s daughter.
I was at Wheaton College during the Big Revival, but I honestly thought it was a bunch of hooey. After moving to LA, I grew out of evangelical-style worship (especially the music).
Growing up I was badly damaged by fundamentalism and left my youth with a pretty messed-up view of the church. It didn’t help that my formative church had always treated my father horribly. He was judged by our actions and we were all held to a ridiculous standard. I was very confused about what God wanted from me. I really believed that the purpose of the church was two-fold: to get people to “ask Jesus into their heart” and keep Christians in constant reminder of how to act and think the way that a Christian is expected to.
Oddly, I was never turned off of Jesus, just the church. That’s why for most of college I avoided any big commitment to a church body, but remained very close to God.
My church experiences have been something of a roller coaster, but I believe they add up to creating strong character, a healthy cynicism of both emotionalism and Pharisee-ism, and a clear knowledge of what I am looking for both in terms of worshiping God and the place in the body where I am comfortable. I have learned that I don’t belong in a church that is too rules-oriented, and certainly not one that tells its members what to think.
I’ve been in some sick churches, and through those bad times, God showed me just how much the people inside the church need saving too. To finally find a church that stresses the welcoming nature of God over His judgment has been truly eye opening and refreshing. I have perhaps gotten a little lax about holding others accountable, but I’ve learned the hard way how easy it is to go overboard when trying to be helpful. I would rather err to the side of being too accepting and too loving.
I would say that the Scriptures that most directly form my hopes for the Church and my role in it are the Ten Commandments, the Sermon on the Mount, and the 23rd Psalm. I know they are common, but there is good reason: they are seminal for understanding the proper human relationship to God and with one other. I want to see the Church as the place where God’s mercy is wide, our love for him and for one another is deep, and our cares and concerns are no more. These three biblical passages offer the true Meaning of Life.
Obviously the biggest turn in my ecclesiology was moving into the Anglican church. I was seeking a reconnection with mystery, history, and deep thought. The Episcopal Church emphasizes the ineffable, it connects directly to 2,000 years of Church (I think the line of Apostolic Succession is the coolest thing ever!), and it celebrates the diversity of ideas within its members. I went from denominations that focused primarily on salvation to one focused on discipleship. From “fire-insurance” evangelism to transformation of the world through the Church of Christ. From wrapping up our faith in Christ’s death to cementing it in his Resurrection. The Church is made up of many fallible and weak human beings, to be sure, but together, blessed by the Spirit, we are able to be partners in ushering in the Kingdom of Heaven.
I am greatly relieved to see that professors and students here are largely thinking the same way as me. It makes me realize that I did indeed choose the correct seminary.
If anything, I have been taken aback by the huge diversity that exists here, especially among the student body. We all come from so many wildly different backgrounds and are in such flux right now. But if anything is consistent, it seems to be that most of us are questioning, and most of us are more than ready to listen to new ideas.
A Church Autobiography
I am a pastor’s kid, and was literally raised at church (I even took my first steps on the youth group bus). My parents spent my first two years with a hippie congregation in the mountains of Santa Cruz, and then moved to Illinois where my dad was youth pastor with an Evangelical Free Church (very fundamentalist, very Swedish) for 19 years. I was heavily involved in everything I “should” be as the pastor’s daughter.
I was at Wheaton College during the Big Revival, but I honestly thought it was a bunch of hooey. After moving to LA, I grew out of evangelical-style worship (especially the music).
Growing up I was badly damaged by fundamentalism and left my youth with a pretty messed-up view of the church. It didn’t help that my formative church had always treated my father horribly. He was judged by our actions and we were all held to a ridiculous standard. I was very confused about what God wanted from me. I really believed that the purpose of the church was two-fold: to get people to “ask Jesus into their heart” and keep Christians in constant reminder of how to act and think the way that a Christian is expected to.
Oddly, I was never turned off of Jesus, just the church. That’s why for most of college I avoided any big commitment to a church body, but remained very close to God.
My church experiences have been something of a roller coaster, but I believe they add up to creating strong character, a healthy cynicism of both emotionalism and Pharisee-ism, and a clear knowledge of what I am looking for both in terms of worshiping God and the place in the body where I am comfortable. I have learned that I don’t belong in a church that is too rules-oriented, and certainly not one that tells its members what to think.
I’ve been in some sick churches, and through those bad times, God showed me just how much the people inside the church need saving too. To finally find a church that stresses the welcoming nature of God over His judgment has been truly eye opening and refreshing. I have perhaps gotten a little lax about holding others accountable, but I’ve learned the hard way how easy it is to go overboard when trying to be helpful. I would rather err to the side of being too accepting and too loving.
I would say that the Scriptures that most directly form my hopes for the Church and my role in it are the Ten Commandments, the Sermon on the Mount, and the 23rd Psalm. I know they are common, but there is good reason: they are seminal for understanding the proper human relationship to God and with one other. I want to see the Church as the place where God’s mercy is wide, our love for him and for one another is deep, and our cares and concerns are no more. These three biblical passages offer the true Meaning of Life.
Obviously the biggest turn in my ecclesiology was moving into the Anglican church. I was seeking a reconnection with mystery, history, and deep thought. The Episcopal Church emphasizes the ineffable, it connects directly to 2,000 years of Church (I think the line of Apostolic Succession is the coolest thing ever!), and it celebrates the diversity of ideas within its members. I went from denominations that focused primarily on salvation to one focused on discipleship. From “fire-insurance” evangelism to transformation of the world through the Church of Christ. From wrapping up our faith in Christ’s death to cementing it in his Resurrection. The Church is made up of many fallible and weak human beings, to be sure, but together, blessed by the Spirit, we are able to be partners in ushering in the Kingdom of Heaven.
I am greatly relieved to see that professors and students here are largely thinking the same way as me. It makes me realize that I did indeed choose the correct seminary.
If anything, I have been taken aback by the huge diversity that exists here, especially among the student body. We all come from so many wildly different backgrounds and are in such flux right now. But if anything is consistent, it seems to be that most of us are questioning, and most of us are more than ready to listen to new ideas.
Nearing the end
It's almost over, this first quarter of mine. I can't believe it's nearly December. They said time would speed up but jeez!
I feel like I know less Greek every day. The cramming style of "firehose greek" keeps anything from sticking too long in my brain. I just have to make it through one more week, a few new concepts, get to the final next Monday, and it's over. Until Exegetical Methods next quarter.
I finally did all the homework for my other class yesterday. That consisted of writing reactions to each of my small group sessions (and yes, I had been keeping up with those), writing a "spiritual autobiography" which I suppose I'll post on here, and reading an incredibly boring book. I read every page and wrote down 100 in the "% read" thing I have to sign. But man, it was dreary. And I told my husband that I had hoped grad school would involve reading interesting things, but I fear now that I'm going to be reading a bunch of crap from the Christian bookstore. He said I was in seminary, which is different from grad school, and I should have gone to an Ivy if I wanted to read something scholarly. Ah, yes, he is probably right, but then I would have missed out on learning about, you know, God.
A professor told me that he'd heard that Yale's program in liturgy is like a museum, a study of things past with no instruction on relating it to the present. Anyone reading this have an opinion? I was considering their post-MDiv certificate in liturgical studies, but maybe it's no good?
It's raining in Los Angeles today. That is a rare enough occurrence that most people like it. It's too bad that it's mucking up the field at the Coliseum, though. Still, I expect the fighting Methodists to defeat the Irish handily. And if you got that reference, then you are a good scholar of So Cal Academic History.
I feel like I know less Greek every day. The cramming style of "firehose greek" keeps anything from sticking too long in my brain. I just have to make it through one more week, a few new concepts, get to the final next Monday, and it's over. Until Exegetical Methods next quarter.
I finally did all the homework for my other class yesterday. That consisted of writing reactions to each of my small group sessions (and yes, I had been keeping up with those), writing a "spiritual autobiography" which I suppose I'll post on here, and reading an incredibly boring book. I read every page and wrote down 100 in the "% read" thing I have to sign. But man, it was dreary. And I told my husband that I had hoped grad school would involve reading interesting things, but I fear now that I'm going to be reading a bunch of crap from the Christian bookstore. He said I was in seminary, which is different from grad school, and I should have gone to an Ivy if I wanted to read something scholarly. Ah, yes, he is probably right, but then I would have missed out on learning about, you know, God.
A professor told me that he'd heard that Yale's program in liturgy is like a museum, a study of things past with no instruction on relating it to the present. Anyone reading this have an opinion? I was considering their post-MDiv certificate in liturgical studies, but maybe it's no good?
It's raining in Los Angeles today. That is a rare enough occurrence that most people like it. It's too bad that it's mucking up the field at the Coliseum, though. Still, I expect the fighting Methodists to defeat the Irish handily. And if you got that reference, then you are a good scholar of So Cal Academic History.
Monday, November 22, 2004
The Fetal Position
Today it happened: the moment that may just go down as my favorite thing that ever happened to me in grad school. It was classic. It was incredible. It was so archetypical.
My teacher actually hit the floor. In response to the repeated questioning of a certain person in my class (about whom I wrote way back when class started), he literally turned red, fell down on the floor and curled up. It was shocking and beautiful. It was the dream of every person who has ever tried to get a concept through another person's head.
And this is what he said:
"God doesn't give a freaking rip what grade you get in this class. God has more important things on his mind."
Bravo!!!
My teacher actually hit the floor. In response to the repeated questioning of a certain person in my class (about whom I wrote way back when class started), he literally turned red, fell down on the floor and curled up. It was shocking and beautiful. It was the dream of every person who has ever tried to get a concept through another person's head.
And this is what he said:
"God doesn't give a freaking rip what grade you get in this class. God has more important things on his mind."
Bravo!!!
Sunday, November 21, 2004
We deserve it. The world does not.
One of my favorite blogs, Jesus Politics, turned me to this website: http://sorryeverybody.com/. I have been on it for an hour and I cannot look away. I am most encouraged and I feel less alone. Way less. Plus I love the messages from people in other countries.
Here is the picture that started me on it - visit the site for more:
Here is the picture that started me on it - visit the site for more:
Friday, November 19, 2004
I'll have your spam, dear....
A few random thoughts:
I met a person who does not believe in free will. And to my protestation she replied that God simply had not revealed His truth to me yet.
Why would she pray?
For that matter, why does anyone who doesn't believe God can change his mind ever pray? I mean, if He's the same yesterday, today and forever - if he's already seen the future and knows what is going to happen - then why bother praying?
And why would Jesus tell the story in Luke 18 about the widow who bugs the judge until she gets what she wants? Can we really apply that concept to God without starting to question our stand on His nature? Does God bend to human will when people bug him enough?
Also I read today a passage in Isaiah that says the rain and snow come down but they do not return to heaven again, but rather water the earth. So if one believes in biblical inerrancy, would one have to deny the cycle of precipitation?
Finally, on sin again: if one is concerned solely with sin avoidance and repentance (so as to secure one's place in the hereafter), how does that make Christianity attractive at all? Which is more appealing: telling a person that they are a sinner and need to repent or they will go to hell, OR telling them that Jesus was a pretty smart guy and a great moral teacher who offered us the best way to live our lives. Making Christianity a philosophy of living well (the "good life") makes it a lot more palatable.
And all that about Jesus being God and repentance and etc. will come later, because they follow naturally once you are a disciple. I think we do things backwards sometimes.
I met a person who does not believe in free will. And to my protestation she replied that God simply had not revealed His truth to me yet.
Why would she pray?
For that matter, why does anyone who doesn't believe God can change his mind ever pray? I mean, if He's the same yesterday, today and forever - if he's already seen the future and knows what is going to happen - then why bother praying?
And why would Jesus tell the story in Luke 18 about the widow who bugs the judge until she gets what she wants? Can we really apply that concept to God without starting to question our stand on His nature? Does God bend to human will when people bug him enough?
Also I read today a passage in Isaiah that says the rain and snow come down but they do not return to heaven again, but rather water the earth. So if one believes in biblical inerrancy, would one have to deny the cycle of precipitation?
Finally, on sin again: if one is concerned solely with sin avoidance and repentance (so as to secure one's place in the hereafter), how does that make Christianity attractive at all? Which is more appealing: telling a person that they are a sinner and need to repent or they will go to hell, OR telling them that Jesus was a pretty smart guy and a great moral teacher who offered us the best way to live our lives. Making Christianity a philosophy of living well (the "good life") makes it a lot more palatable.
And all that about Jesus being God and repentance and etc. will come later, because they follow naturally once you are a disciple. I think we do things backwards sometimes.
Wednesday, November 17, 2004
More on sin
I remember now what brought this all up. On Sunday we were saying the baptismal covenant and we got to the part about when we sin "repent and return to you" or whatever it says. And I was thinking, wow, that is so simple. The covenant is mostly about the person we're becoming in baptism, and about what we believe. It's not about dwelling upon our sins. We sin, we repent, we move on, and it warrants only one sentence.
I am troubled by the emphasis put on sin in many churches. I am bothered that I hear things like, "Well I sin every day" "I always have to be on my guard" "I'm just a sinner saved by grace". What kind of life is that? To always be on eggshells, always aware of your status as a disappointment to God?
What if sin is merely being out of touch with reality - I mean by that out of touch with God. it's not necessarily a certain list of do's and don'ts - it's when something we believe or are or yes, are doing, is placing us back in the false reality of the world.
When you think about it that way, you realize that it is actually possible to live sinlessly a lot of the time. In fact, perhaps we are supposed to actually do that. Perhaps it's not an afterlife only thing. If we are living in the Kingdom reality then we are not sinners. We are no longer sinners.
We are saints.
Am I being totally heretical?
I am troubled by the emphasis put on sin in many churches. I am bothered that I hear things like, "Well I sin every day" "I always have to be on my guard" "I'm just a sinner saved by grace". What kind of life is that? To always be on eggshells, always aware of your status as a disappointment to God?
What if sin is merely being out of touch with reality - I mean by that out of touch with God. it's not necessarily a certain list of do's and don'ts - it's when something we believe or are or yes, are doing, is placing us back in the false reality of the world.
When you think about it that way, you realize that it is actually possible to live sinlessly a lot of the time. In fact, perhaps we are supposed to actually do that. Perhaps it's not an afterlife only thing. If we are living in the Kingdom reality then we are not sinners. We are no longer sinners.
We are saints.
Am I being totally heretical?
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