Monday, January 24, 2005

More tales of sex and the Christian

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1. When I was about 6 or 7 I discovered it felt good to rub my crotch. I got in trouble for doing it during story time. I felt ashamed, but not sure why.

2. When I was 9 or 10, I started putting my Barbies and Kens into sexual situations...usually violent ones. This was because the only sex scenes I'd ever read were in some John Jakes historical novels owned by my parents--and the scenes were erotically-presented rapes. Lying in bed after reading them, I learned how to rub myself to orgasm, but I didn't know the words "orgasm" or "masturbation" for years later. I did know enough to keep what I did a secret. I still tend to focus on bondage-type scenes when I masturbate.

3. My parents never gave me a sex talk. They asked me "Do you know how babies are made?" and I said "Yes." Because being a kid who read all the time, I'd read a very dry version of the facts of life in a Reader's Digest story "How to Tell Your Kids About Sex." That was it.

4. I always thought of penises as long featureless rods, and I didn't even know balls existed; it wasn't until I saw A Room With a View in college that I saw a real penis, however briefly. I had no idea that they came in different sizes and shapes and changed both when they relaxed or were excited. I had no idea boys got involuntary erections that they had to hide--I never saw one in school, because I would never have looked at a boy's crotch directly. I would have been much less scared of boys if I had known they could control their bodies even less than I did.

As it was, once I knew what rape was and the boys started getting bigger than me, I was terrified of them until late high school. I didn't date at all in high school for that reason, which also made my parents happy (and yet also anxious). When I started dating in college, they were freaky about the whole thing, and wouldn't let me go see my boyfriend over vacation because it would "look bad." This was ridiculous, because we could have had sex any number of times while we were at school, but didn't, because we both had self-control and were committed to waiting till marriage. My parents still wouldn't let me. This was when I realized that years of being a good girl was not a guarantee of being allowed to grow up and do what I wanted--that I could never be good enough, really, to be trusted to make my own decisions. I never looked at my parents the same way again.

5. This is why, later, when I was engaged to my husband and the lease ran out on his apartment, I let him move in with me six months before we were supposed to be married, but didn't tell my family. We were both virgins on our wedding night despite living together, because we thought it was important. Now, I'm not so sure that it mattered. But our sex life is wonderful now, though we were very awkward at first and I didn't really enjoy it for the first few times. Neither one of us is technically a Christian or goes to church, and we don't do any of that submission crap; we're equals. And it's good that way.

6. In college I masturbated a lot, because hey, what else have you got when you can't have sex at possibly your most horny time of life? I remember one day a woman came through town who somehow I thought could help me with this "problem" so I had her over to my dorm room. She spent 8 hours with me, essentially casting out this demon from my soul. I had to name and confess everything that had every happened to me or I had done that was in any way remotely sexual. And also nightmares since Satan could work through those, and any time I thought I'd sensed someone watching me, etc. etc. Anyway, after 8 hours of prayer, we bid adieu. She spoke the next day in chapel and openly shared how she'd been addicted to masturbation while in college. The funny thing is that she was my friend's MOM and he was simply aghast. That is pretty embarrassing, you have to admit!
Anyway, I went home and laid off for a few days, but before long I was no longer master of my domain. Ah, well. It's practice for my future husband became my new motto.

7. In kindergarten I remember the boy who sat across from me would tell me to look under the table and he wiggle his penis at me. I did not really know what that was about. Can you imagine if that happened today?? That kid would go to jail!

Notes from the Feminarian:
I'm not going to tell you which of these stories are mine, although I will say that more than one of them is. Here's a funny thing that's happened when I'm writing this: I can’t write the word vagina without feeling like I should change it to another word. Isn't that just what Vagina Monologues was about?! My husband thinks I'm disturbed because it just seems to me like it's a naughty word that one shouldn't say (penis is also). Actually, so is masturbate. Ah, what freedom comes to me in writing these tales!

I was considering making a new blog to just deal with this issue, but on second thought, isn't this whole thing of sexuality and Christianity a big part of being in seminary? I mean, it's probably one of the biggest issues we'll have to work with parishoners about, and obviously sexual identity is deeply ingrained in church politics. So here it stays for now. The email address and comment board are open for business.

To get things rolling here is a question I'd like answered (short answer is fine):

Describe what you think "Christian Sex" might be.
(Please include your faith background/community if you have one to identify yourself - might be interesting for comparison)


Anonymous said...

It is wild sex that begins with a "grace prayer before sex" or "grace after sex."

or may be

just sex with Christians

"yeah, I just had a Christian sex with a church lady last Thanksgiving! She was like so holy. She was chanting instead of moaning all the time. It was like heaven!"

J. F. said...

I grew up in a very religious cultur. In Latinamerica our parents don´t talk about sex and when they do is becuase you are going to marry. You have to find out by yourself what it is to be with a woman or man in bed. Most of the times problems like premature pregnancy shows up and kids can´t finish school and have to stay home and end up with too big responsabilities.

In my case it was a bit different as the other boys in my age. I was very close to God and I said to God: Hey you are my father, so you have to help me to go along with my problems. And he did.

I had very clear thoughts about responsability and not playing with fire.

I remember my first girlfriend at the age of 18, a bit too late for other people, but for me it was just a right time to know a girl. She was beautiful. All the guys at church and friends were idiotized when they saw me with my girlfriend.

She was one year older and now that I think she had a lot of experience with guys.

Once I came by to she was alone with her little sister and her maother was at work at night. We talked and played and I was going to leave when she asked me to stay a bit becuase she had something to say. Two hours passed and she did not say a thing. Then as I told her to hurry ´cause it was late. She undressed in front of me. I was like idiotized looking at her beautiful and soft nude skin, at her breasts and her hair, she was amazingly beautiful.

Then she tried to kiss me and I told her to get dressed argiuing it was not right. She continued and at the end I was in bed with her. Of course my pants wher still in its place until she decided it was time the pants to go off. I refued and told her not to, she tried though, and I stood up and told her that i did not want to have sex with her, I wanted a clean relationship that pleases God and respects our bodies and left.

The next day I broke up with her and told her that it was not right what she did and I did not want to spoil our commitments wit God for sex.

This might be a too much story, today sex is more important than life commitments and clean hearts and souls, but it is a true story. I am glad that I did not do that, becuase I know that I would love it and would not stop having it.

Now I am happily married with a beautiful and wonderful woman, we have no children yet ´cause we want to enjoy our time together and think of our carriers.

As I know my first girlfriend has now three children, is a mother-father. That does not mean that she is a bad person and has what whe deserves, but when you play with fire you get burned.

Thanks for reading

Joybell said...

Describe what you think "Christian Sex" might be.
(Please include your faith background/community if you have one to identify yourself - might be interesting for comparison)

To me, "Christian Sex" is great love making between a Christian man and a Christian woman who are married. I believe it could very well be the "glue" that keeps a marriage strong, if kept sacred as in no other partners. It is allowing ourselves to fully embrace acceptance of our sexuality, without allowing satan to plant those seeds of feeling sinful. Role playing, fantasizing, experimenting together can be the one private closeness the couple has, that creates the one-ness spoken of in the Bible.

BTW - for a great Christian lingerie store, visit me at