Disaster!

Well, not really, but I've been in full drama queen mode for about 12 hours now. We've had tears.

You see, last night I found out that I apparently am the only one who believes that it is important to do weekly Eucharist at our new church. Okay, that's probably an exaggeration. I am wearing my drama queen pants, after all (literally - I really do have drama queen pants and they are on).

Basically, when we were doing principles for worship, I recommended Scripture and Eucharist every week. That's it - all I asked. And the Scripture made it, but not everyone agrees that we need eucharist weekly. Including our leader. Which troubles me. A lot.

I think it's made me realize just how crucial sacramental theology has become to me. I might just draw the Christian/non-Christian worship line at celebrating the Table. It's really hard for me to think of a good, Biblical, theologically-sound reason not to do it.

But that's what I have you for, right? So if you were a person who wouldn't darken the door of a church (which is our target audience), would the Eucharist freak you out (do you know what it is? Do you want to?)? Would it make a difference if you were invited to join the meal? Would it make a difference if it were a full meal instead of mumbo-jumbo over bread and wine? Do you want us to put on a nice show with music and a talk or do you want to see the Christians throw down with our super life-changing transformation rituals? Are you curious about what we do that we call "sacrament," and why? Or could you care less, and it will make you not want to come watch?

One friend said the explanation he's heard over and over is that the Eucharist loses its "specialness" if it is "overdone." I said to him, "So you want to keep Jesus away from me so that I'll want him more?" See, to me, that's just mean.

Anyway, I should explain that the reason for all the drama isn't just my own liturgical nerdiness, isn't just my theology or my ecclesiology. Or even my ideas about salvation and ethics, both of which I believe are inexorably tied up in Communion. My drama stems from my heart breaking from the idea that I might attend a church where I don't get to have communion every week.

You see, I went to half-assed crap worship for 25 years of my life. I've been there, done that. Been to the church that tells only part of the story. Missed out on the signs and the symbols and, for the love of God, the MYSTERY. And I don't want to go back to that!!! I finally found a place where I am literally nourished on God, I ingest Jesus, week after week. And it's changed me. It's made a huge difference. In my worship and in how I live and in what I'm doing with my life - for crying out loud, I'm at seminary! A thought that never entered my mind prior to becoming Episcopalian!!

And if it is taken away...weeks when I don't have it, I feel emptier. I miss my spiritual food. I need my Jesus. And that is where I find God. In the sacrament. Not in the music, although God's there. Not in the Scripture, although God's there too. Not even in the preaching. No. God meets us in the sacraments, because that is why God inspired them.

I mean, we've had these wonderful access points - these windows to the supernatural - for 2,000 years. They work. Not every time, no, and not for every one. Sure. I admit that. But over time, they change you. You become more moral. You internalize the story of God. You see your neighbor differently. You see your church differently. It really is absolutely vital to formation as a disciple. I don't know how we'll be empowered to go out into the world and make a difference and spread the love of Jesus without having had our fix!

Yeah, I said fix. I might as well admit I'm talking about it like a drug. Sorry, it's hard not to. I'm a total addict.

Hi, my name is Stasi, and I'm a body-and-blood-of-Jesus-addict. Eucharistaholic.

You see, I think they might have some good reasoning. I think they might believe that Eucharist puts people off, or is not hospitable. So fine, don't fence the table - most Episcopal churches don't anyway, these days. Or make it an agape feast, full-on meal, and after supper, bless some bread & wine and we'll take it specially.

There's got to be a way to remove baggage surrounding the Eucharist. If it has baggage, we are sunk. If our Table (and Bath) have gotten to the point of inhospitality or irrelevancy or apathy, then we are truly doomed. Where will we find Jesus?

I know that any given week, half or more of the people taking Communion anywhere don't really know what they are doing. And maybe they're not getting anything out of it - maybe they don't meet God. But maybe they just need to be taught about what it is they are doing. Maybe the solution isn't to chuck it, but to make it better. Show people a hospitable, vital, relevant, engaging Eucharist.

Or maybe there is another way to get the same point across. It just seems a crying shame if we can't tell the story of God using the tools Jesus gave us. The way it's worked for so long. It was the first way of worship - or rather, the earliest way we know of. Gathering, Word, Table, Dismissal. It is by far the most historical and the most common way of doing Christian assembly.

Now I'm not against progression. Obviously. I hope it goes without saying. I believe God is showing us new things all the time - God's revealed new ways of thinking about slavery and women and gay and lesbian sisters and brothers. Yes. God is progressively revealing Godself to us, and I would even say, God learns more about us as we learn about God. We do this beautiful dance and we grow closer every year, second, millinea.

(*sniffle* we dance at communion *boo hoo*)

Well I have to get on with my day. But that is what is up. I cried hard and long last night. I'm pretty down today. I can't fathom going to a church without Eucharist. But the reason I am so distraught is because I am already so engaged with Thad's. It has gotten into my system. I want to be there - I want to be called there. I want to do my ordination process there and my internship there and I want to be part of the work. And so I grieve because I might be called to a place that doesn't love the sacrament, or I grieve because I might not be called there after all and that hurts a lot too. Just one more misunderstanding.

I feel not unlike the time I was rejected from the chapel thing. I have this beautiful gift of the liturgy that I just want to give people, I want to share with them, I want to teach them about. It changes your life. It teaches you how to live - how to love - how to be moral - how to find God. I just want to share it. And people keep slamming the door.

I don't know what's next. And that's fine. I need to throw myself into school anyway. It's already getting to be challenging. I'll just have to wait a little until I can have a beer with Jimmy and find out what he's thinking. I'll feel better when I know the reasoning. Then I can either answer it, ponder it, agree or disagree, educate myself or others...then I can do something.

And then I'll know whether this place is for me. Part of me thinks it would be a relief for it not to be (I could take a job making actual money, for instance)...but then there's that part that exploded when I just began to consider the possibility of leaving the team.

Whatever is in store? I know the plans I have for you. Plans to prosper you. The Lord can do infinitely more than we can ask or imagine. So trust, and humility, are the order of the day. God, I need humility, and guidance, and I need to trust.

And I need drama queen just to be what's on my pants, not what's in my life.