Perspective

I went out the morning of Thanksgiving and talked for about an hour and a half with Keith, who lives outside the library. That helped me garner some perspective on this whole stupid affair. He's a freaking computer programmer, who worked on airplanes and ATMs, and he's now been on the street 12 years. He says he spends all his time looking for a job but they don't want to hire a homeless person (of course he can't get a home without a job). Or he's overqualified. Or it's in another part of the city, and getting to other parts of the city is not a simple thing in LA. So he waits. And prays. He has an encyclopedic knowledge of theology and philosophy. At the moment he's also studying patristic theology (for fun), so we had a good talk about that. It was hard to imagine much difference between us. Or him and my dad, who still doesn't have a job but luckily had my mom along. Keith's girlfriend dumped him (but says she'll get back together when he's off the streets). His parents and twin brother are dead. How does this happen? Our country is a frightening place sometimes.

Meanwhile, I'm dealing with something with my home church that's really pissed me off. Like to the point that I don't really want to go there for a while.

Last summer they threw a huge kickoff party for their building campaign. The party was quite a glamorous affair, and included a silent auction. We bid generously (beyond our means) to get a work of art by a friend, primarily because we knew we were supporting a good cause. It was really a delightful evening, and we all pledged to the campaign and had a very worshipful and fun time together.

On our last giving statement, we discovered that our donation at the silent auction was not listed in our giving to the building campaign. Thinking it an oversight, we contacted the church office. They said that the funds donated at the silent auction did not count towards our pledge for the campaign (and furthermore are not tax-deductible). Now, I can understand a portion not being so (since you usually have to subtract the value of whatever you buy) but I was a bit confused, since it was our understanding that the auction proceeds were to benefit the building fund.

Turns out, they told us, that the auction was merely to pay for the party itself. All of the proceeds from that evening went to pay for the event. They said that since at the event we all pledged to the campaign, in a way the auction supported the building campaign. But in reality, it did not. They told us that the cost of the event was very high and they used the funds to pay for the event so they didn’t have to charge admission.

Well, we got pretty angry. We feel deceived. When a nonprofit tells me they are using funds for one thing and then turns around and uses them for something else, that seems pretty shady. I worked in development. Usually for such events you get everything donated so that the proceeds can benefit the cause. If they couldn’t get donations, I would so rather have had them charge admission – then I wouldn’t have attended! Or if they’d been open about the fundraiser paying for itself, then I wouldn’t have bid at all and let the others who can afford it pay for my dinner. I mean, what do I care about giving a bunch of money to a party?? Nada. I don’t need a party to convince me to give, I will give anyway. And I certainly don’t like the idea that I bid beyond my means to support a bunch of rich people getting sloshed. I gave a huge amount (for us) because I wanted to show my love and support for my church. Now I find out that it was only used to buy a round of drinks. It doesn’t even help the building fund at all. It’s as if I never gave, and instead had one VERY expensive night out (with a cool souvenir, to be sure – we love our artwork – but we’d have never justified what we spent on it if we hadn’t thought it was supporting the church).

I wish I could tell other people around the church but I feel like it’s the church’s responsibility to make this information public (although I suppose I’m making it public here – but I don’t think many people from that church read this. If they do, oh well). I know that most of us there believed our giving was supporting the cause for which the party was thrown. It just seems so wrong. I just never, ever would have spent so much money on a party (I mean the money we gave). I would have stayed home and written a check directly to the building fund.

After we reacted, we got a response from the stewardship person (who is someone I really like and I don’t want to get him in trouble) saying that we're the first ones not to have positive things to say about the gala (hmmm....but I wonder if others are privy to the information we have?) and they are sorry that we feel misled. He checked the invites and stuff and says it didn't specifically say that the money went the fund (well, come on, what else do we expect when it says it's to kickoff the campaign? Really.) but maybe they should have included a disclaimer about the real use of the funds (ya think?). It was mostly apologetic but a little bit defensive too.

For my part, I told him they should make it crystal clear in the future what they are using gifts towards. And it still wouldn't hurt to make public what happened last summer. Then at least we could see if anybody else cares or if we're just being nuts. He offered to return our money but I told him just to put it toward the building campaign. That's where it belongs.

So anyway, after the robbery and Keith's predicament and this church thing, life feels a little crappy. Still, chin up (I just watched "Saw" so now am afraid to show my disappointment with life!). Life's really not bad at all. And another quarter is almost over. Hard to imagine!

Bad afternoon

Well my holiday season kicked off early when I got home and discovered our Christmas decorations have been stolen. Ho ho ho. We kept a box of our stuff in an outside storage space, and it's been taken apart and gone through (they also took a sleeping bag...good move, since it's turned chilly again). They basically took only the really sentimental stuff that really hurts to lose. Stuff like my grandmother's 12 days of Christmas bells, which I only got last year after she died and was hoping to keep as a family heirloom. And our Celtic nativity from Ireland, which John's mom has been sending us piece by piece each year we've been married. Just last year we completed the set.

We also lost all our cards (our tradition is to buy them at the after Xmas sales), all our Xmas music & movies, our stockings, lights, the stocking hanger which was like the first thing I bought in LA, and several little things my folks have sent over the years (tapes of the music from my childhood Christmases, a DVD of their fireplace - you know, like the yule log). Mostly it's not worth anything. It's just stuff that we liked but didn't have room to store in this goddam tiny apartment.

Mostly I am OK. I actually kept it pretty cool until I realized Granny's bells were gone. That hurt. I have some beautiful photos of them (and the nativity) from last year, though. But yeah, it's gonna be awfully bare around here this year. And I don't have the heart to replace any of it. If you usually get a card from me, it's probably not going to happen this year.

The longer this night wears on the worse I feel about it. It's a lot of irreplaceable stuff. It's just gone. I mean, we'll try calling some pawn shops on Friday, but that's just so we can feel like we tried. It's pretty disheartening.

All in all, my original reaction: "Oh well, it's just stuff" still holds true. I really wasn't that attached to it and even knew that it was risky to leave it where it could be taken. But still, I don't think it's right to say I'm somehow to blame. Our culture loves to blame victims, especially because then you can feel like you're somehow safer because you'd never do something so stupid. Ha. You don't have to do anything stupid. Someone else just has to be mean.

Like my ma said, even if you leave something sitting right out it doesn't give anybody the right to steal it. People just shouldn't steal. It's mean and stupid. And to steal Christmas decorations is just wrong. It's so dumb.

Well, I hope whoever winds up with the stuff is happy. I think I'll let myself cry a little and then suck it up. It's just stuff, after all. It's just stuff.

Hiya hiya

let's get sauced! Cranberry sauced!

OK, I'm a little happy at finishing my paper. I wound up pretty much on Pelagius' side, but I have to say the poor guy was an intellectual nincompoop next to Augie. He didn't really stand a chance with him. Augustine is a philosopher, and you can really tell because his arguments hold together so well. They're wrong, but they make sense.

Poor Pelagius. He has the right ideas but he makes mistakes. Even as I supported him I could find huge holes in his logic. Sigh. No wonder my prof was pretty much mercilessly mocking him in class the other day. I'm hoping we can throw down tomorrow.

So have a super Happy Thanksgiving, everyone. I probably won't write again for a few days. Be sure to knock a couple back for me. Or better yet, send me the money and I'll knock a couple back for you.

Another BIG recommendation!

Well Friday night's foray into LA's live theatre scene - taking a group of 30+ Fuller folks to see "Grace" - was a smashing success. The discussion was really outstanding...just the kind of thing I wish I could do more often. And, the actors helped me understand the ending, to my satisfaction. In fact, they helped me see so many more interesting elements that I hadn't understood or noticed the first time around. It's still playing for two weeks (in Pasadena). I can't recommend it highly enough. You can get half-price tix on Goldstar.

Flush with the success of that rec, I'm going to throw out another one, this time open to the wider public. Oh, first, I just noticed on Ebert & Roeper that "Who Killed the Electric Car" and "An Inconvenient Truth" are both out on DVD this week...so check 'em out.

Last night we watched a film that was barred from theatrical release in the United States, supposedly because the material was too sensitive. It's about post-9/11 America, and a conspiracy theorist, and the troubles we are all facing and the fears we continue having. I don't think it could have been more respectful. It was utterly true.

It's called Land of Plenty and is directed by Wim Wenders, from a story by him and Scott Derrickson (who went to Biola and is sort of an acquaintance of my husband's - a good Christian guy, himself a fine director who did The Exorcism of Emily Rose). The film stars John Diehl (who was OK) and Michelle Williams, who is always so interesting - and was outstanding. She was probably the least messed-up MK I've ever seen (that's "missionary kid" for those out of the lingo), but her character was sweet and honest and really genuine. You just wanted to know someone like her.

The film starts on the streets of Downtown LA, so I immediately felt a kinship. Its mission setting is at Winston & Los Angeles, which is right where I used to live (I was a block west at Winston & Main). I don't want to be a conspiracy nut myself, but honestly if most of America saw the poverty in this area (and it is shown in the film), they would be downright shocked. Remember how awful we all felt after Katrina, when we saw the images of people that looked like a 3rd world refugee camp? Welcome to Downtown LA. Every day.

Anyway, from there we follow Michelle as she searches for her uncle, who is a Vietnam vet caught up in stress, guilt, and recurring nightmares from his service time that were triggered by 9/11. He overcompensates by being a one-man Homeland Security agency (or attempting as much). His story becomes a bit predictable, but it's OK, because the relationship between him and his niece is what you're really watching.

The film was wrenching my guts the whole time - about the irony of our "Land of Plenty" when you pull back the curtain. But also about how beautiful it can be. And how God catches us when we fall. And the importance of family.

Did I mention it has some beautiful prayers in it? Some really real talking to God?

Just see it. Please. It is so good. I want the word to get out so Harvey Weinstein or whoever will be sorry he didn't let us all see it on the big screen. It was so wonderful. Really.

Random connections

I think going to grad school is a lot like having a baby.

You start off with all this expectation of wonderfulness,
All this potential,
All these prayers and dreams.

But then you figure out pretty quickly that
it's way more work than you anticipated.
And you're not getting any sleep.
And you've lost your figure.
And you can't afford anything anymore.
And you're going to be paying for this for the rest of your life.

You find yourself, at turns,
tremendously happy,
absolutely terrified,
deeply depressed,
and completely fulfilled.

Though you may try to steer things one way or another,
oftentimes you are surprised by the way things turn out.
It starts to take on a life of its own.

And in the end, all you can do is hope that this thing you've created
and nurtured
and given life
and put so very much of yourself into
will somehow make the world a better place.

But really, that's out of your hands too.

Thank goodness I believe in a higher power.

I might give up.

And I might never even try the baby thing.

No more waiting...exhaling now...

Well a lot has been going on. This has been a very busy week. I’m technically supposed to be reading Augustine, so I’ve got to make this quick.

But I have to tell you that I’m transferring my internship from All Saints to St. Barnabas, a much smaller parish also in Pasadena. I feel that I’ll gain valuable experience from being at a tiny (1 priest, less than 50 people) parish which is more diverse racially and socio-economically and also is primarily older folks. Since most Epis churches in the US seem to be small and elderly, it will be useful to have experience there.

Plus I’m really looking forward to working with the rector, who is very centered. I need that right now. He told me the internship is “all about my formation,” which sounds pretty great to me. Since he’s the whole staff, I’ll be able to get a hand in most everything that happens to run a little church. And I’ll definitely have more opportunity to counsel, preach, work on the worship services, and so on.

My experience at All Saints has been valuable but the overall culture was not a great fit for me. I will be happier at a slower pace, at least at this time in my life. It feels good. So did yoga today. Ahhhhhhhhhh.

The more things change...

I just had a most enlightening couple hours in Patristic Theology. We learned about the Donatist controversy. It was mid-4th century, following a persecution during which some had apostasized and others not. Those who were more rigorist in their definition of church rejected the apostates after the persecution ended. Others, the Catholic church among them, believed that the apostates could repent and return to the flock. Their baptism made them members of the Church, and their sin, horrible as it was, didn't change that. Basically it came down to what sins can be forgiven.

So by the time Augustine came along, the Donatist church had become this place where holiness was held as the standard and any person not baptized into their holy, pure church by their holy, pure priests was not a true Christian. Their Church was the one true body of Christ on earth.

Augustine argued against them that the unity of the Church is more important than the sin of individual members. He had the Donatist's favorite guy, Cyprian, on his side here - Cyprian actually said that schism is a worse sin than apostasy. A crime against love for another brother or sister in Christ, no matter what he or she has done, is the worser sin.

And this just got me thinking about my church worldwide, and especially those congregations in my diocese who have decided that the rest of us aren't holy enough for them anymore and have split off into a "true" "pure" church. Now we know who won in the end back in the day (that would be Augustine and the unity folks), but what I can't figure out is how to actually resolve it this time, without an Augustinian authority, without that voice that both sides would listen to.

It is also extremely difficult to woo back those who have left because they think you are not a Christian anymore. How do you love them back into unity? They are the ones who left. It would seem they have to choose to return. I don't know. I want us to be a unified communion. But how can we be when people don't stay and discuss the issues - they just up and leave?

I guess I could quote Augustine at them: “Whosoever has separated himself from the unity of the wheat on account of offenses chargeable against the tares . . . will be unable to defend himself from the charge of murder which is involved in the ‘mere’ offense of dissension and schism, as [1 John 3:15] says, ‘Whoever hates his brother is a murderer.’”
[Contra litteras Petiliani Donatistae 2.21.46, in NPNF 4.541.]

I mean, I'm not trying to be a jerk here. This kind of talk is what kept the church together. It sounds offensive to our ears, because we don't like being told what to believe and we'd rather avoid conflict than possibly admit we are wrong (or admit that we can live together in disagreement). Of course lots and lots of groups throughout history have separated over some sin or another and determined that God is only with their group. But that feels like an awfully small God.

Ah, the one true thing is that really it was us Episcopalians who schismed first. The people leaving our church are (attempting) to return to mother Anglican church. Fair enough. Perhaps we shouldn't have done what we did, that upset so many people. But then again, we never wanted to leave the Communion - we just got shut out. I suppose one answer would be to deny our changing congregations and return to the conservative beliefs. Perhaps that would be the loving thing to do.
(except it wouldn't be loving to our own people...argh!)

This stuff is really hard. I guess what I'm aiming for is an agreement to at least sit at the same table - and eat at the same table/altar - instead of leaving the room (or diocese). Those of us who offended others with our "sin" have not left the discussion. We are open to the discussion. But how can you discuss when the offended party won't speak to you?

Who am I?

I swear, if one more person tells me I need to "find myself" or asks, "Who are you, really?", I think I'm going to scream.

I can tell you what I believe in. I can tell you what I'm passionate about. I can tell you about what I feel called to do and what I'm gifted at. I can tell you what I love.

But there's supposed to be some nebulous "me" apart from any of that, and I'm supposed to gaze at my belly-button until I can find it. I don't even know how I would recognize it, since I have no idea what these people are talking about.

John thinks its based in the Romantic idea of the self, of there being some perfect path that is fulfilling. And as I think about it, the people who are bugging me with this are all baby boomers, folks who went through the 60s when it was all hip and cool to "find yourself", when Romantic literature was popular again. He even said, and this sounds right, that the reason it seems they have so many divorces and career changes is that anytime they are unhappy they think it's because they have to go "find themselves" and whatever relationship/job they are in obviously is not contributing to the all-important search, so they must abandon it. To put it really simplistically.

(note that we have a decent dose of hostility toward baby boomers in this house and are pretty ready for them to go senile so they'll stop running the world)

I find myself to be more of an existentialist. I believe my life is a work of art that I am creating. There is not some perfect path or person that I'm supposed to be finding - there are infinite possibilities. I am what I make of myself. And God and I work together to make a good me, but that's an amalgam of my doings and believings and hopes. It's not somehow separate from them. It's not find me first, then do something. It's do something, and the sum of what I do becomes the life I lead which is essentially who I am.

And that's the thing nobody - well, nobody over 40 - seems to understand. They tell me that is backwards, but honestly, I do not understand what they are asking me to find. I really don't even comprehend the question, "Who is Stasi, really?"

I mean, why are people so afraid when I explain myself by what I do? They act like that is so offensive, like I somehow must get past doing. But really, what we do reveals who we are, what we believe, what we privilege. That's the whole basis of character ethics.

I dunno, maybe one of you can explain to me what I'm supposed to be looking for. Apparently I'm just horribly out of touch with my real self and not nearly introspective enough (of course, none of these people read the blog...). But would I even recognize the "real self" if it showed up in the mirror one day? Ack, I just had a flash of the woman from Heroes with her evil mirror self!

I think this must be a generational thing. When I discussed it with John and other people younger than me, they all thought the question was weird. Apparently, to the horror of boomers everywhere, the younger generation is much more about getting up and doing something rather than spending a lot of time in self-reflection hoping to discover what to do. Not that boomers didn't do anything - they did a lot of great stuff. And not that we don't self-reflect - but I almost feel like we're better at focusing on the communal identity rather than just the almighty "me".

Well, these are my musings for this morning. Take 'em or leave 'em. I'm sure I'll hear from the boomers. S'okay. I'd be particularly keen to hear from other young people, though, as to whether you actually buy this "finding yourself" stuff or agree with me that it's weird.

For an Election

Almighty God,
to whom we must account for all our powers and privileges:
Guide the people of the United States
in the election of officials and representatives;
that,
by faithful administration
and wise laws,
the rights of all may be protected
and our nation be enabled to fulfill your purposes;
through Jesus Christ our Lord.
Amen

(from The Book of Common Prayer, 822).

Pointers

Well today I don't have much of my own to say, but I must point you to this post by my friend Kent. It is totally intriguing. The title pretty much says it all: "Jesus as Yahweh’s Holy Warrior: A Peace Church Reading of the Old Testament". Check it out.

We went to see "Borat" last night and I split my gut, I do believe. It was interesting - you laugh outright at a lot of it, other times you laugh because it's so outrageously offensive you don't know what else to do, other times you laugh because you're so extremely uncomfortable you also don't know how else to react. And really, it was cathartic. I can't recommend it to everyone universally, but if you've watched the sketches and find the character funny, then you'll probably find the movie hysterical. I spent some moments in reflection on the state of humor in our country and especially among young people (who filled the theater - although it was the over-30 and even over-40's who laughed hardest, or at least at different moments). It's definitely gotten grosser and baser, but it's also very much in the vein of the old slapstick silents (just taken to a "Jackass" level).

As Mario Van Peebles said on Ebert & Roeper, it's like our country taking down its collective underpants and examining our skidmarks. Indeed.

Enough!

OK, that's it, no more whining. I'm done complaining. Negativity is no good, neither is all the drama. Life was hard and now it's mostly fixed. Things are falling away - things I really thought there was no way I could get out of. I thought I was locked into a life this year, but it turns out you're not really ever locked into anything, outside of God's love.

I will not live the life the culture expects. My seminary culture, the church culture, the work culture, they all expect a level of commitment that is simply not healthy for the human body (at least not at my age...maybe in my 20s). I will no longer play the game.

I told someone the other day that I understand once I'm in ministry I'll be always on call, 24/7, and she said she didn't agree with that system, and I realized, wait, it's actually not required. Of course there are things - hospital visits, deaths, weddings - that cut into otherwise "off" time. But there's no reason to answer the phone on your day off. If you have available time that is truly available, then people will get used to that and honor it.

Or so she claims. I know that it will be an uphill battle because our culture expects everyone to work harder than she should. So why should the priest be working fewer hours than the banker or the insurance agent? Well, maybe because she is supposed to be modeling life in God, and life in God necessarily includes healthy periods of rest and work. For crying out loud, GOD took a day off!

If it means I can't be a priest, oh well. I am not going to sacrifice my health for the priesthood, or for seminary for that matter. Our campus paper had an issue about burnout this week, and someone wrote about how he just can't turn down any opportunity and thus chooses a life of burnout. Great, dude, except one day your body is going to give out, or you'll be less effective as a minister, or you'll just lead one more of those churches where nobody is modeling the life that God desires for his creatures.

The sad fact of life is that we do have to make choices, and turn down opportunities. We can't do it all. But that's why it's delightful to live in the community of saints - because together, we do it all. If you are the hand and I am the foot, then you doing something I wish I could do - well, it's a bit silly to think "I wish I could do that" since another part of my own body is doing it! The individualization of our culture has led us into the lie that each of us must do it all. The truth of the gospel is that we are meant to live life together, in communion with sisters and brothers, and we act as one body to accomplish the purposes of God on earth. This means we each of us have a job to do, but none of us has to do more than that. No matter how many opportunities present themselves.

What if we thought of opportunities that come our way as a chance to offer another sister or brother something that would really give their life and ministry meaning? We don't have to selfishly hoard - we can say, I know I'd be good at that, but so would John over here, and I'd like to tell him about it. That way, the good thing still gets done, I stay healthy, and John's life is also enriched.

Sounds like a pretty great system to me!

Day 4

That’s how long I’ve been attempting to be a sane seminarian. People have a lot of advice for me. So far I’ve been instructed to:

• Eat better (meaning: shop more often, since veggies go bad; and plan meals instead of eating whatever’s in the fridge; and oh, yeah, plan meals too, since leftover takeout is too fatty and fried to be your friend) - including chewing slowly and taking at least 20-30 minutes for meals, sitting at the table, not in front of TV or computer
• Work out (preferably an hour a day; join a gym; swim; “whatever you like!” “how about nothing!”)
• Read these (insert crazy number) books because they’re oh so helpful and good
• Make sure you take a good chunk of time for daily relaxation (meditation, yoga, prayer, contemplation)
• Oh, and be sure to get enough sleep at night and take naps during the dayAnd take a quiet day once a month and at least 1 day off a week
• And go on retreat every couple months
  

Does anybody realize that these things require not only inordinate amounts of time (I don’t think I would actually be able to continue being in school or interning if I did it all) but money? And really, how great would it be to have finances to worry about on top of all this – sign me up!

I mean, I really don’t think offering me a huge to-do list is the answer to my need for less to worry about and accomplish. I am dying to just crawl into bed and watch a sappy movie. Or read the bible. Or read the Sunday paper still sitting unopened on my couch. Or go see a movie with my husband. Or go to Disneyland (I think my friend who works at Disney is making that one happen on Saturday, God bless her).

I want less not more. I want fewer responsibilities and definitely way less guilt about not accomplishing enough - even if it's stuff that's good for me. I’m talking about guilt for not walking an hour a day, for drinking a glass of wine with dinner, for staying up late to watch tv or blog because it’s my only outlet for these feelings.

Much of the time I wish I could just quit everything and start popping out kids, like my sister is doing, and just live that life – house, kids, days at the park, hell, even cleaning house and cooking! I know, I know, I’d be bored. I’m not one of those people who gets to have a “normal” life, free from the weight of the world or the weight of my own passions and dreams. I have been given much and much is expected. It’s just so fracking tiring.

I’m still really really tired, even at day 4 of “Stop the Insanity!” Will I ever not be tired?

Probably not as long as I’m worrying about how to have time for 2 trips to the store a week, and how the hell to pay for a gym and yoga and actually find time to go!

Last week Lauren Winner spoke in our chapel. I thought, here’s a woman who writes books which are basically about herself, her spiritual journey and all that. Then she goes around and talks about her own ideas. My God, this woman has my life. How did she get it before me? So now I have to find something else to do. Bummer. I want that life.

I’m leaning so hard on John, poor thing, who is beyond stressed on his own and unable to do anything – he can’t just drop a class like I did. I’m so worried about him, too. His BP is higher than mine, and he eats worse than I do, and he definitely would never exercise. At least I make a slight effort.

This is such an unhealthy life. But you know what? I know that. I don’t need to be told again. I’m doing what I can about it but I can’t snap my fingers and change it all at once. Wish I could, though.

Damn, I’ve got to get some homework done today, or I’ll fall behind again. I can’t believe I thought I could add a 2-week class on top of this!

Just keep praying. From where is my help to come? My help comes from you, O Lord, maker of heaven and earth.

Back in Touch

God is really and truly amazing. I think God really wants to help us out, to give us everything we need. In my case, my own pride keeps me from asking - it is not God witholding good things. But I finally reached a breaking point and I had to throw myself on God's mercy and beg for help.

When I went to Planned Parenthood they took my blood pressure and freaked out. They basically told me I was going to have a stroke any minute. A second reading was lower, but I still got quite a lecture (I think the first reading was influenced by waiting 45 mins after my appt time!). And I couldn't take one more thing - I completely broke down. I wailed that I was doing the best I could but I simply do not have another hour in my day for walking nor can I give up caffeine nor can I do without my one glass of red wine with dinner. I was shaking and crying and trying to explain how completely overwhelming the whole world felt. I think I scared her. She laid way off...even told me I could have my wine. But also she told me I could not go off my medication (am about to run out) when I'm under this much stress, and that I simply had to reduce my stress level or I would be heading for serious health risks.

Well, the good news was that I qualified for everything at PP to be free, and walked out with a year's worth of birth control and an appointment for an exam in a couple weeks. Whew.

So I spent the rest of that day and the next worrying about how to get my medicines. Meantime, I was working on 10-page, 1-page, 5-page papers and a presentation, all due Tuesday night/Wednesday morning. The blood pressure was not going down! But we went shopping and picked up lots of healthier food - veggies and oatmeal - since J checked his BP and it was even higher than mine. We both got really shaken up - woken up. Definitely need to make some changes.

Anyway, I tried going to Fuller, but they don't have people who can do prescriptions. I called a few clinics, but they have huge wait times. I had resigned myself to sitting 4 hours for an intake (after which I'd be scheduled for an appt 6-8 weeks away). But then I thought I'd just check with the church people. I mean, shouldn't the people of God be helping out in these situations? Where else should we Christians turn when we are going through a period of poverty?

So I emailed a few people, sending the messages along with prayers. It was at this time, when I really had hit the end of my rope and decided I was just going to let myself have a breakdown and be done with it, that the miracles began happening.

First, I got a call from one of the people I emailed, a psychiatrist I've met and gotten to know through all kinds of common interests (art, Africa, etc.). He called and offered to see me, no charge, and help with my prescriptions if necessary. I mean, wow. I sent out the email with prayers, barely daring to hope, and God gave me exactly what I asked for, what I needed.

Then the next morning I had my discernment committee. I was still under tremendous stress with all the work I had coming due (and I had to be at a service in the afternoon). I could barely answer the questions I was asked, and was having trouble following the conversation. Most of all I was feeling that foggy head that I get when I have the depression. I knew it was the stress getting to me again. All I could think was how much I wished I could get out of one of my responsibilities - just drop something, or everything, and stop having so much to think about.

Well, the committee noticed my trouble and we started working to get to the bottom of it. I told them about all the pressure, all the stuff going on. At first they thought I was just crazy, trying to meet expectations of others, trying too hard to be perfect. Fortunately, one of the members got her degree at Fuller, and she could explain to everyone that I'm not and in fact the school kind of pushes people toward this. She told them how the school keeps us running running running without much in the way of inner spiritual formation (it doesn't help that I'm also working at a church with a high stress level and more emphasis on external ministry than internal formation). (She is a spiritual director and has Fuller students in her office every week falling apart). They determined I am "on a path of self-destruction."

So they suggested we postpone discernment for six months, during which time they would still be my committee and still pray for me, but I wouldn't have to worry about meeting that obligation. And I relaxed so visibly that they saw it. I mean, it really was a miracle. I had been praying for some kind of release, but I didn't want to suggest it because I didn't want to be a flake. I've already dropped one committee. I thought I'd be doing myself in to do it again. But since it was their idea, there shouldn't be negative consequences. And it makes sense: if I'm to be a priest, there's no reason we have to figure that out right this minute! Thankfully they all want to remain committed to me and none of them plans to leave LA anytime soon.

That felt really good. I knew at this point God was working something really wonderful for me. I kept praying, knowing that Monday would be the biggest test - I had a meeting with Fuller financial aid.

The situation is that if you drop below 12 units, you lose scholarship money. And I knew I couldn't handle 12 units. At the moment I'm doing 2 classes and barely keeping up. A week from today, a 2-week intensive was to begin. I knew I was going to have a serious problem with that. Like, fetal position problem. So I threw myself on the mercy of finaid (really on God), asking them to consider my health. And we worked out a solution that pleased me greatly, and I got to drop the intensive class. I even managed to return my books so I didn't lose money on that.

Along with that, I dropped a huge load of stress. I actually feel like I can breathe again. I mean, I noticed that I can feel myself breathing. I can feel my muscles are more relaxed. I smiled and sang most of the day - I haven't smiled in a really long time, not for real. And I prayed - noon and evening prayer and compline. I actually got to pray!

I am so happy. I feel like God has moved incredible barriers to my well-being. And I just had to ask. I told J that I think it's all happened because God misses me, and I miss her too. Fortunately, God was happy to help me get back my peace, my joy, and my time with him.

Now I want to take time to intentionally work on my formation: get a spiritual director, do some retreat time, continue in the daily offices, and I should really journal. Although I guess this blog has been my journal for some time! I am relieved and thrilled to slow down my school progress - I don't want to go back to the real world any time soon. And now I shall have time for the many other things I would actually enjoy - helping with the Anglican group on campus, and the arts group, and taking people to see "Grace", and maybe even singing again. I'll have time to really put in good work on a worship project I've been asked to do - something that is so wonderful for my future and my interests.

Oh, but yawn, I'll have to tell you about that another time. Part of my self-care is going to be sleeping instead of internet-ing! If you have self-care resources (preferably not books to read, though - I have more than enough of those already) that you'd recommend, let me know. Meantime, thank you to those of you who pray for me.

Know that God does in fact come through. Be encouraged.

I went!

So I went to Planned Parenthood today and I didn't notice anyone with horns or a spiked tail working there. Actually it was sweet young hip girls. There were a lot more men there than I expected. I saw three men, and like four women. Not together.

It looks like it's going to be a good plan. Because our income is currently quite low (love that adjunct life) I might qualify for completely free services - including a year's worth of birth control and my exam. What a deal. Gotta love it.

So thanks for sending me. I think it's all gonna be OK.

And since I raved before about Goldstar Events (they got me the free tickets to see that wonderful play, "Grace"), I thought I should post the link to sign up for their free email service. You have to be in certain large metro areas (including DC, Chicago, LA, I think others), but if you are, it's a pretty sweet deal. Plus, if you click this particular link, you send your favorite blogger a whole dollar so I can enjoy another show! Thanks!
https://www.goldstarevents.com/join?p=F310228RP

How my seminary sent me to Planned Parenthood

I'm causing trouble again, I know. But this blog has caused things to happen in the past, so here's hoping.

As much as I want to have a baby (and these days, I really do), I know that we are not in a financial situation to handle it right now. Nor does our new apartment offer any conceivable space for said infant. So it's something we'll be waiting on. But the primary reason we're waiting is the insurance plan I get through Fuller is only for illness and injury, not designed for pregnancy, so I don't want to drain on the plan. Also we'd pay for most of the pregnancy, and at my age, I wouldn't want to deny myself tests or necessities because I don't feel we can afford it. For instance, the plan offers one ultrasound only and doesn't cover most testing. I just don't really want to do bare-bones prenatal care, at least not my first time around.

This is the only insurance plan we could afford, so I'm stuck with it for another year. Which means no baby for at least a year. But a new problem has arisen.

I'm out of birth control. And the prescription I had from my old insurance (an HMO, so I can't go back there) has run out. I need a new prescription.

Since my insurance plan is not for preventive medicine, it doesn't cover doctor visits that are not related to a specific illness or injury (they don't even count towards my deductible). Since "need a new birth control prescription" is not illness/injury, I couldn't get the insurance to pay for the visit. Which seemed OK, until I learned that the visit costs $150-300. Ouch! You mean I have to pay $300 (not even towards my deductible!) just to have the guy write me a prescription??

That seems to be the case. Ugh. I can't afford the doctor visit. I can afford the pills, no problem, and don't mind paying for them, and they are covered at 50% by our insurance. Great. But how am I supposed to get the pills?? Can anybody tell me that?

See, the insurance plan (Nationwide) is set up for students, but most campuses (including J's - he has it too) have their own clinic. So you're supposed to do all your preventive stuff at the campus clinic, and only use the insurance for big stuff and emergencies. Only Fuller isn't big enough to have a clinic. I wonder if we could do some kind of exchange with another campus? Or if we could have a parish nurse for a local church come by once a week? (my dad's church had a parish nurse, it was a great thing) I mean, the person would be overrun, but it would just be for colds and flu and birth control, little things that are not worth a $300 doctor visit!

Anyway, my next idea is to just go visit the Planned Parenthood. I know they do low-cost women's health stuff (absolutely no "well-woman" care is covered by the seminary's plan, which makes the feminist in me really itchy), and their main thing is helping women get birth control. It's deeply ironic, but it's all I know to do.

Before I go to that extreme, I've called Fuller and alerted them to the fact that I've been driven into the very mouth of Satan by their ridiculous insurance plan. We'll see if dropping the name "Planned Parenthood" wakes anybody up over there. I'm not the only student with this issue. We're trying to save everybody money by not having babies. But they're making it really difficult.

I'll keep you posted on what happens.

Or if you're a doctor and want to write me a year's worth of Zovia, I'd be much obliged. :)

GLBT group at Fuller?

So I was advertising a video I have to Fuller's Peace & Justice people, a documentary about GLBT Christians, just offering to let people borrow it for a viewing if they want (not saying anything about its relative merit). And someone asked to borrow it - a new student - who also mentioned that it's been an adjustment for her to come to a relatively "homophobic" (her word) environment like Fuller. She asked me if we have a GLBT and Allies support group on campus.

After I picked myself up from laughing, I explained that the student body, let alone the administration, would never go for such an idea because in their minds it would be sanctioning a "sinful lifestyle." Such a group, though a noble idea, would probably feel some hatred, or at least be questioned unceasingly as to its merit and really its right to exist.

I admit I'm somewhat guessing. Mostly I'm going off of my own experiences with students in particular (we won't even mention Fuller's statement of faith which lists homosexuality among a cadre of Biblically-condemned sexual activities, along with bestiality, incest, and sex outside marriage) who really can't begin to hear anything about the topic without launching into defense mode overdrive.

For instance, one of the first responses I got to my email offering the DVD was a rather judgmental rebuke at me for spreading homosexual propoganda and lies about the sinfulness of these people, joining a dangerous group of Christians defending their lifestyle as acceptable in the church.

One time my OT professor pointed out that Levitical laws are not suitable for arguing against homosexuality because we don't keep most of the Levitical laws these days anyway. He was simply trying to help people argue from Scripture more responsibly. But he was accused by a student of teaching a Pro-Gay agenda and wound up having to apologize to the class for any misconceptions.

Finally, in the ethics class, the prof tries to push a little closer toward tolerance, and in class after class I hear that it's the most vigorous debate of the year (right after the role of women), full of invective and huge closed-mindedness.

Now these are just my own experiences, but I'd guess it's safe to say that very few people at Fuller would stand for a club devoted to understanding and even supporting the GLBT people in our midst or in our churches (since those in our midst are not allowed to be open about themselves lest they be expelled). Actually, now that I look at these examples, I doubt anyone would be brave enough to join such a club. The protesters would surely outnumber the participants.

But maybe I'm wrong. Maybe the tide is turning. I certainly personally know over a dozen fellow students, and could guess at some profs, who are adamantly pro-gay. Maybe we could form an underground group that would be invitation only. Though that kind of defeats the purpose of being visible support, at least we could be praying, sharing our stories, and perhaps becoming the seed of a group that will one day challenge the policies of the institution. The women did it 20 years ago. This could be our generation's issue.

But of course there is a very long way to go. I am encouraged that younger students don't seem to get what the big deal is. Maybe things will just naturally shift. I don't have time to create such a group anyway, despite the growing interest. Besides, how underground could it be, since the president of my school apparently checks this blog?

It's a pickle. I just wanted people to see the DVD...because once you know someone who is absolutely gay and absolutely a Christian, everything else starts to unravel (or fall into place). It's the movie we talked about making. I hope it turned out well. And in the meantime, a couple friendly people asked for the DVD too. We'll see how they like it.

Amazing "Grace"

Last night I dragged myself out of bed to see a play (my thrifty side, which refuses to waste tickets to an event, won out over my body – with the help of medication). And although I was hurting, I’m really glad I did. Man, it has been a long time since I’ve seen something so wonderful that wasn’t in a giant auditorium or on a screen.

The play is called “Grace” and it’s by Craig Wright, who was one of the writers for Six Feet Under, but more importantly, was working on his MDiv and preparing to enter the ministry when a play he wrote took off and he realized he should be a playwright instead. Wow. Boy did he get the message right.

This play was what we should be doing at the Brehm Center – producing stuff of this caliber, that is risky and searching yet completely and totally grounded in faith. It was amazing to see such ability poured by God into this artist who is, in turn, sharing real questions and true grace with those who visit his world. Oh, I wish we could have him speak at Fuller! I want so much to hear more about his story and his process. He is officially on my watch list now.

The play is at the Pasadena Playhouse’s upstairs theater, and I got cheap tickets through Goldstar Events. I cannot recommend it highly enough – if you are in town, you must see it. Especially because since you read this blog, you are interested in exactly what this play is about: doubt, faith, stupid vs. real Christians, crises that take us deeper into God or further from Her, and in the end, grace beyond what we can imagine.

The show is little – a 99 seat theater, only 4 characters, not even an act break. So it requires great acting and writing to keep you engaged. And it delivers. I laughed so much – I could, because I knew the gentle fun being poked at Christians was from someone who knows their world. Like with Jesus Pill, we got a lot of stuff that others wouldn’t. If you have a sense of humor about the weirdness of Christians, you can really enjoy the first section.

The story gets more serious and offers some incredibly touching scenes: a conversion that is so believable that you think you are witnessing someone actually coming to Christ before your eyes, monologues about faith and doubt that cut to the quick of our experience with God. Always and everywhere truth, truth, truth.

My only beef is the ending – it went on about 7 seconds too long. It would have been perfect – and much more compelling – without one last little moment that answered a huge question, one I would have preferred to be left hanging. That was very disappointing (J said it made the difference between it being great and just good). I don’t know if it was the director’s choice or is in the script. I hope Wright knew to leave things ambiguous – I hope his faith isn’t so shattered as to agree with the cynical ending (or as J called it, the “indie Hollywood ending”).

There are really fun filmic techniques in the play. I think that is fun; J hates it (he says, “it shows they really wanted to make a movie but couldn’t afford it”). Whatever. I like it when theater reaches beyond its “accepted” boundaries.

For being a rather simple set and story, it was technically extremely complex. The design elements were terrific – especially the sound. Plus I totally enjoyed the cheesy Christian music that was used during act breaks and in the first scene. The first moments of the play when the leading lady comes onstage singing at the top of her lungs to Amy Grant…well, let’s just say, we’ve all been there.

So see this play if you can at all. If you’re out of town, try to get a production mounted by you! It is the kind of play that churches would never produce (it’s very R-rated for language and a bit of violence) but I so wish they would. It is exactly the kind of art that Christians need to see and that could really touch non-Christians, help them understand the worldview we have. I really might have to see it again myself. If anybody knows Craig Wright, or anyone at Furious Theater Company, please tell them how wonderful the work is, and how much I want them at Fuller!!!

I leave you with the words of the character Sara (from memory, so it’s not perfect): “No. It wasn’t Someone. It was everything. But everything was somehow also Someone. And I felt that everything in the world was a kind of musical harmony, asking me to join in. I hear music everywhere….That is how I look at the world. And if you are ever going to say you knew me, you need to know that is how I look the world.”

where have i been?

a question i'm asking myself lately

my body has already shut down on me...the way it does usually in week 10 of the quarter, but here we are at week 3 and body has gone into forced rest mode (fever, exhuastion, hibernation, etc)

of course the work doesn't stop - it's only just begun, and it sits like a mountain on my spirit. i don't know how to get out from under it.

everything seems harder than it was the last couple years. perhaps it is the combination of the classes with the internship and the discernment. none of which i can quit though i have thought about quitting each a lot.

i'm so so tired. i didn't know how tired i could get. i have been in bed two days and i feel as awful as ever. part of me wants to check into a hospital and curl up and forget the world.

but of course i won't

anyway everything is tiring right now. seminary is hard. and everyone's first answer is, "just don't work so hard at school." which is a stupid answer. because i love school, i love what i'm learning, i want to learn it. so why would i want to stop trying?

j tells me i can pick it up later and read it, don't do all the reading right now. ha. i will never go back to it. i know this is my one shot. life never gets less busy.

i miss the life of the person who just worked 9-5 and had nights and weekends free and went on retreat a couple times a year. i miss my self who could pray and think and write.

but i especially can't write so i won't be around much. there just isn't time. that is my refrain: not enough time, not enough time, not enough time.

if there ever is time i simply collapse. there is no energy for activity, creativity, thinking, writing, breathing, hiking, even shopping. no time. no energy.

the depression is back and my meds are almost out. can't replace 'em. no money for all the doctor visits/prescriptions required. i wonder what will happen to me without them. if i feel this bad with them...

anyway i seem to have regained a normal body temp and not to be too disgusting but i'm expelling plenty of toxins, so hopefully i'm on the road to recovery, at least from the bug that's caught me. the underlying problems remain, but don't they always.

well writing sideways lying down is hard so i will stop now. sorry i won't be around as much. no time. no thoughts.

Happy Campers

So last night I saw "Jesus Camp", a new documentary by the women who did "The Boys of Barakah". It's being marketed as a scary, sensational view of Crazy Christians. In reality, it's much more complex.

I was surprised at how fair the whole thing seemed - I've heard the subjects of the film were pleased with how it turned out, and I wouldn't be surprised. It was straightforward, this is what Pentecostals do in worship, this is what homeschooling moms believe, etc. I didn't think it was against the people, it was simply presenting them as they are. Which yes, is scary for those of us who had bad experiences there or those who didn't realize this level of vigor exists. But it's true.

In fact, the film seems primarily to be an attempt to educate Americans as to this growing, very powerful voter bloc that many people are ignorant about. It aims to teach us a bit more about not only their values but how they train the next generation, why they believe the way they do, and the sincerity of their faith that backs up their behavior.

But here is where I must fault the film. For in aspiring to educate about Evangelicals, it paints a very broad picture without drawing necessary distinctions between types. From the film alone, one might think that speaking in tongues is common practice in all Evangelical churches; that the style of preaching and singing at Ted Haggard's megachurch is how we all worship; that all the homeschooled children are learning the same stuff (what Studio 60 cleverly called "Science Schmience" on last week's ep). There was no attempt to distinguish between very different kinds of Evangelical Christians, and that disappointed me. I'm sure Ted Haggard, or other megachurch pastors, wouldn't go in for the super-charismatic worship shown in the Pentecostal church scenes. I'm sure the Pentecostals would have theological differences with other churches (actually one kid, describing a "dead" church, said it's a place where they "sing three songs then listen to a sermon" - which is a megachurch description, not a mainline!). So it lacked subtlety.

But overall, it was a bit disconcerting and mostly just fascinating. I was mostly fine with it until they brought a cutout of George Bush into a church service and essentially started worshipping it. I didn't like all the military language that is being tossed about without strong distinctions between the way of Jesus and the way of war. And I hate how abortion is the only issue they care about - they will bawl and chant "righteous judges!" but they would probably not vote for someone who would put more help systems in place for poor unwed mothers (since that person is likely to be a Democrat).

Mostly I was upset that the main protagonist, a children's pastor named Becky, sees her mission as indoctrinating the next generation so that they will grow up to be warriors for Jesus. Her defense of this is that other religions (particularly Islam) supposedly do the same to their children. But just because they do it, that doesn't mean we should! Just because they create child soldiers, so should we? Even if they are child soldiers fighting for Jesus?

Anyway, I hope some more people will see it and let me know what you think. It's in pretty limited release but maybe the Evangelicals could help it grow. I mean, I was watching it thinking it could have been made by Evangelicals. For the most part, it played like a nice advertisement for them - you would only be offended if you weren't on their side. I feel like it could play to both sides, and that's extremely hard for a documentary to do. So kudos to the filmmakers.

Wheaton news

I just got my alumni magazine and noticed the excerpt from the graduate commencement speech, delivered by a Ugandan Anglican Bishop. I was disappointed that Wheaton would invite a bishop whose country (I don't know about him personally) is calling for church disunity and sanctions against the American Episcopal Church because of our inclusion of GLBT Christians - and now, women - in leadership.

In addition, I found his speech deeply ironic, for it was about the fact that Jesus chose to associate with "tax collectors and sinners" rather than the religious elite of his day. He then proceeded to talk about his own encounter with HIV/AIDS patients and how his mind was changed about the disease, how we should all support them (originally, to him, the disease only afflicted "sinners").

How strange that he did not mention the elephant in the room - the real marginalized from his country and the Anglican Communion at large - which is the GLBT community in our church. To me, that is the group Jesus would associate with today - that is the group that is scandalous to the religious establishment, at least in this bishop's country (and most of his continent).

Too bad...but not all that surprising.

Philosophy Party!

J received this invitation to a party for his department, and I simply had to share it on here. I'm sure those who wrote it wouldn't mind others borrowing their clever language. It's a kick!

Philosophy Party !!!

Don't miss out on the fascinating discussions that will take place at the welcome party for our new grad students:

Are you a Phil of Language type (or token)?: then you'll surely want to attend

"'Fun Philosophy Party': Oxymoron or Natural Kind?" Alternatively, you may want to participate in: "Does 'Fun' Rigidly Designate 'Philosophy Party'?

Attracted to Kantian morality? Face the challenge of yielding to the charm of acting from inclination and against duty!! (Alternatively, you can choose the self-deception version: "Coming to This Party is a Duty to Yourself"). Consequentialism? We promise a heated discussion on whether "utility" should be cashed out in terms of pleasure, and, if so, whether Mill's distinction between higher and lower pleasures makes sense: would drinking and doing philosophy at the same time prove Mill's distinction flawed? (Practical demonstrations included). Virtue Ethics? Then we don't need to tell you anything: you know this is the right time and the right place to indulge in guilty pleasures in the right way... and still be virtuous!

Anybody into the Frankfurt School? Read the exclusive Adorno manuscripts where he confesses that UCR's Philosophy Parties inspired him to develop the notion of an emancipatory "promise of happiness" Where? At the Philosophy Party, locus of undistorted communicative action !!!

What should you bring? We strongly recommend that you bring some sort of alcoholic beverage (Plato's comments on drinking, anyone?).

Disclaimer: If you miss the party without an appropriate excuse you will be the target of unpleasant reactive attitudes and retributive feelings. (Sanctions to be discussed at the party). And remember that this is for the most part a compatibilist Department, so saying you couldn't avoid doing x (where x is whatever it was that prevented you from coming to the party) won't get you off the hook!

Mercy & Justice Redux

So on Wednesday, Dr. Mouw gave a chapel address that included a story from Charles Spurgeon. I can't find a link to the sermon online (if anyone knows it, please put a link in the comments), but the gist of it was an imaginary conversation between Mercy & Justice in heaven, watching the life of Christ unfold. At each point in Jesus' life, Mercy asks Justice if it is satisfied, but it is not satisfied until Jesus hangs on the cross. Good ol' substitutionary atonement theory.

But later I was pondering it (it really pissed me off - I turned to my friend and said, "Justice is kind of an asshole") and mentioned it to my internship supervisor, and she said, "Why does everybody always assume that Justice defeats Mercy? Why does Justice always get its way?" And that got me thinking that maybe the story could be rewritten. Also it got me thinking about what we mean by justice, because Mouw went on to explain that we are called to work for justice today, but what he meant in that sense was quite different than the justice in the story which demanded blood sacrifice. I thought about rewriting it so that the justice concept would be consistent, and so that mercy would in fact win in the end.

So here I humbly offer the Liberal Loosey-Goosey Atonement version of the Mercy & Justice story. Enjoy.

Mercy & Justice (an alternative take, with apologies to Charles Spurgeon)

Mercy and Justice were talking together in heaven. They lamented the state of humanity in its rebellion against God. Both desired reconciliation between the two. Justice demanded restitution for the sins of the world. Mercy desired nothing but renewed relationship. When the second person of the Trinity stepped forward to enact the radical plan of salvation for God’s creation, Mercy and Justice were pleased. They anticipated each being satisfied with the results of this risky endeavor.

When Jesus was born as a baby, Mercy and Justice joined the other residents of heaven in rejoicing and marveling. Mercy said to justice, “Look, he is a baby. God has humbled himself beyond all reason. Surely you are satisfied.” Justice replied, “This is not right. His family is poor. No one would take them in. Someone should help them.” Justice was pleased when the wise men showed up with gifts for the marginalized family. But he pointed out to Mercy that God’s incarnation, loving though it may be, did not resolve the problem of human sin. Mercy responded, “What could be more effective than God himself showing people the way to return to him?” Justice simply grunted.

Jesus grew up and began his ministry of teaching and healing. Justice was pleased with the way he reached out to the poor and dispossessed, and Mercy clapped her hands and laughed as Jesus touched another leper. Again, Mercy was satisfied, but Justice was taken aback at the way Jesus would simply forgive sins without any price paid. Mercy explained, “The kingdom of heaven is at hand. Jesus cannot help but radiate God’s love to all. This mercy knows no qualification, no boundaries, and requires nothing of the receiver.” Justice went in the other room to pout.

Before his Passion, Jesus prayed in the garden, sweating drops of blood. Mercy understood. She knew that the power of God would lie in humiliation. She knew that in God’s weakness is God’s strength. Justice was uncomfortable with the position God was placing himself in. God had the upper hand. God was righteous, it was humans who were sinful. So why was Jesus allowing himself to be arrested? To be treated so, well…unjustly? Mercy tried to put it into words, but found them wanting - how to explain the unbelievable love that would endure such suffering?

Instead, she reminded Justice of the way Jesus had behaved on earth, especially his last night with his friends, when he washed their feet. “God did not go to earth to condemn his creation, nor to demand something of them. God simply wanted to be closer to them, and desired their closeness in return.” In looking at what Jesus had done during his time there, Mercy could not but conclude that his goal was to show the world nothing but the purest, truest love, in the hopes that others would follow this way of life.

But instead, the world shrunk from Love, not daring to believe such Mercy was possible. Stuck in the way of Justice, it saw only a weakling who would not stand up for himself at trial. As Jesus hung on the cross, Justice still was not satisfied: “But he did not deserve the death penalty! He was innocent.” Mercy told him to hush, for Jesus was speaking: “Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do.” Mercy smiled, knowing by these words that she had won. In the incredible power of Mercy, Jesus absorbed all the violence and pain and hate that the world could throw at God. Jesus took it into himself…and died.

But it was not over yet. Mercy watched with unfathomable delight as Christ resurrected from the dead. Justice couldn’t believe his eyes – what did this have to do with balancing the scales? It was a neat trick, to be sure, but it wasn’t all that necessary. Oh, no, Mercy exclaimed. When Jesus resurrected, it proved once and for all that death had lost its sting, that love cannot be quenched. It proved that Justice, in the end, was not important –Mercy had the final word. The most Merciful God had proved that no matter what the humans did against him, He would always come back with more love than ever. Unable to argue, Justice acquiesced to the overwhelming power of Mercy.

We like to give Justice the upper hand, to say it must be satisfied. But we have no evidence that God’s Mercy will be or even has been overwhelmed by God’s Holiness or Righteousness or dignity. No story – no act of God – tells us God demands Justice (although words attributed to God do say so). Nothing about Jesus suggests that God cares about his reputation, and Jesus' actions show he cares "more about suffering than sin" (Alexia Salvatierra). All the stories tell us God is forever reaching out with both hands – seeking Adam & Eve in the garden after their rebellion; forgiving his people over and over (despite his better judgment perhaps); choosing to work through the poor, the humble, and the slow; standing as a Father out on the road, every day, hoping against hope that it will be the day the child comes home. And finally, above all, taking into himself all evil so that it could be vanquished. So that he could prove once and for all that it is Mercy, not Justice, that will be satisfied.

Now we live in the Mercy of God for us, and pour out that Mercy on the world. We stand with Justice against the violence and pain and hatred still in the world, but we can stand there humbly and absorb the world’s suffering because we know that in the end this evil has no power. In the end, God will win. Mercy will overpower Justice. Because that is who God is.

What a freaking day

Note: This post was written Tuesday night. I'll include an update at the end.

What a freaking day. Yesterday I was in such a sweet little mood. Today just sucked. Well not until class started. Before that I had a pretty nice time doing my reading for patristic theology, which was all about stuff I’ve already studied (Didache) and then the letters of Ignatius of Antioch, which are all him looking forward to “fighting the wild beasts” in the forum at Rome. It’s really funny stuff – he’s all about “I hope they dispatch me in short order.” It’s also really well-written. I love his metaphors, even though he mixes them monstrously. I love his descriptions of false teaching, mixing Jesus into other religions “like poison mixed with honey and wine” that goes down smooth. Gee, sounds familiar. There is really nothing new under the sun.

But then I went to class and everything went kablooie. The 1 Corinthians thing just isn’t going to work. I could handle the class without anything else, or at least with slightly less, but I can’t put it in a schedule with Systematic Theology and Patristics. It just can’t happen. I already have 100 pages a week to read for the latter, and about the same for Sys Theo. I’m thinking I can handle an exegesis class if, like the 1 Peter I was in for one day, it’s mostly translation and not much in the way of reading, a couple papers, that sort of thing. But not only is he assigning enough verses for 6-8 hours of translating (I’m guessing, since I’m so rusty), but also 150-200 pages to read! It just can’t happen. Not with this internship, which has already made me stressed beyond belief. I can’t do it. I just can’t do it all.

I’m ridiculous. I can’t keep signing up for exegesis and dropping it. Although I’m pretty sure that the Greek is completely gone, so it doesn’t hurt to put it off for that reason any more. I can’t forget any more Greek than I already have. What a relief.

But I don’t want to drop Patristic – I really like it so far. I guess I could drop Systematics, but again, I like it. I was really interested in 1 Cor today, but to be honest I did already know most of what he was saying. Since I have written two intensive research papers on religion and meals that were primarily based on Corinth (since that’s our primary source for material on those topics in the Bible), I’ve read a lot of this stuff already. I’ve already written the final paper that I would want to write for this class. So maybe I should wait and take something else…something I could learn more about, broaden my biblical knowledge beyond specialization in one book (well, two – I feel like I know Revelation really well also). I emailed my fave NT prof, asking her if she’d teach something for me later in the year. Wouldn’t that be nice? J

I dunno. Maybe I can take Sys 1 as an online class. But that would have as much work, and the goal is to lessen the work. Hmmm. I think exegesis might have to go…again. Grr. I wish I could hack it. But I can’t. Not with the internship.

So pray for me. I have five options and I have to go see the financial aid people to see which I can do for the least troubling financial outcome.

So then I ran off to Systematics, and we’re going over the syllabus, and I pull out my cd from the bookstore with the syllabus (proud that I have a laptop so I don’t have to print it out anymore), and lo and behold the wrong class has been burned onto my cd! GRRR. Then I think I’m so smart because I can just go online and download it, right? Well despite the fact that I have a wireless connection showing with no trouble, I can’t get Explorer to work. Huh? I have no idea, nor does the guy next to me, why it won’t connect.

So I am the idiot stuck here without a syllabus while everybody else has one and the prof berates those who came unprepared. But I tried so hard to be prepared!! I am so annoyed. And I basically missed the entire discussion while I fucked around with the computer, so I’m already confused and behind. Not to mention quite, quite frustrated and stressed. Plus I’ve also been fighting with J all night b/c of the stress he’s under making us both pissy. Oh, I can feel it in my shoulders. Ow.

I’m going to hit the library at break and try to see what’s up with my wireless problem. Then tomorrow I’m going to go hit someone at the bookstore, whoever sold me this faulty cd.

I’m kidding. I’m a pacifist. I’ll just yell then turn the other cheek.

But anyway, to my five options.
#1 would be to just drop the class and take a smaller load. I think this is the smartest thing to do with my current schedule demands. And since I’m in no hurry to graduate and get a job (ewww!), that would be fine with me. Unfortunately, I think if I drop below full time, I lose my entire scholarship. And the difference wouldn’t be covered by the fewer tuition dollars – I’d owe about $500. Not great. So we have to pray that fin aid will pro-rate my money or something. If they won’t then this isn’t an option.
#2 is to take an online class instead, that will count for a requirement. I remember once reading that this also would kill my scholarship, though. So not great.
#3 & 4 are to take a different class, either a 2-week intensive in November (I know, adding something like that is a bit crazy, but it’s just 2 weeks…and it would be fascinating – it’s a class on Islam) or this low-key missions class I was previously considering that is supposed to be wicked boring but would probably be really easy. Especially because it’s largely based on blogging, and hey, what am I spending my other class periods doing?
#5 would be to stick with what I’ve got. Which I think I just have to do if 3 or 4 are full. But I’m hoping that won’t happen. If it does, then I guess that’s my sign to quit whining and get on with it.

By the way, with 3-5 I would keep my scholarship – and a full class load. Which is not ideal. I’d prefer to cut to part-time at this point in my studies. If they wouldn’t keep giving me all this stupid scholarship money! (and then take it away so easily…)

I do kind of look forward to some of the later exegesis stuff being offered. There are rumors of a class with Gordon Fee being offered…that would pretty much rock. I do enjoy learning from legends. And we have a new prof coming, a reconciliation-focused African-American woman who just did a dissertation on Paul. Sounds like a plan. Either one would be cool.

Well, class is about over, so I’d best pay attention. Pray for my money to come through so I can take school at a reasonable pace!

Update:

I dropped 1 Corinthians, and I feel great about the possibility of taking Fee or the other class in winter. I'm also really happy that I signed up for the Islam class. It looks like it will be extremely informative and interesting. I attended the Sacraments seminar today, and my heart did about break, because it's just so exactly what I want to be studying. But alas, I really can't afford to keep taking classes that don't count for my degree. I'm pretty sure I'm taking Mystical Theology in spring, so I must limit myself to one extra class a year. Each one, remember, is about $1000 that doesn't count for much except a full transcript and my happy edification. But the longer I'm in school, the more debt I acrue. I realize it's "just money", but I need to be a good steward all the same. And I will have far fewer options in life if I'm saddled forever with a giant debt.

So I'll just sit in that class, probably will do the work anyway since I'll find it interesting, but get no credit. Maybe I should pick up another degree. Think they'd let me pick up a PhD?

looking to connect

Will psal625 please email me? I'd like to meet you.

Jes' Chillin

So I'm enjoying some fabu music by my friend Mike while I write my chill blog entry for today. I'm feelin extremely sleepy which is manifesting in a very centered way. Even though today's the first day of class (which was extremely enjoyable - John Thompson is a very funny man), I'm not feeling the stress at all. I think because I have no internship stuff to do until Wednesday afternoon (after 5 straight days of thinking about nothing else). Hopefully that's gonna lay off now that classes are back in session. It was a tiring couple days and I'm pretty much in a haze. But hey, that keeps me from being too wiggy today.

There's a yoga studio in an old church nearby. I think I'm going to try out this class - check the description: "A basic, relaxing class that combines easy yoga postures with heart-opening lovingkindness meditations. This class is specifically designed to facilitate profound relaxation,acceptance, presence, joy and compassion." Yeah, baby. That sounds just like the perfect thing for a Monday. Or I could go Wednesdays, since by Wednesdays I'll have finished classes for the week. How about that?

But then I go to internship. And there's homework. Yay. Hm. Mike's done and now I can't get KCRW to load. Bitch. Oh, there it is. Sounds like crap though. Bummer.

Oh, so before I get to serious stuff I should share a bit about the TV I've been watching. It's ever-so-important for you to be up on my television viewing. I'm trying to convince the world that we're having a bit of a renaissance right now. There really is a lot of great stuff out there, and with most of it on DVD, you can fit it into your schedule (and do the weekend binge thing, always fun).

Anyway, we tried out Battlestar Galactica after much prodding by many people. I have to say I wasn't that into it. Kind of a big ho-hum for me. But J has been steadily growing in enthusiasm over the days since we watched. He almost let me turn it off b/c we were both bored. Now I guess it's grown on him as he's pondered it, because he won't let me take it off the Netflix queue. Okay then. I can give it another try.

We're also hooked on Carnivale, which has an extremely slow build but I'm hoping a worthy climax. We're about 1/2 way through season 1. I was rewatching Buffy season 6 during my week of break, and I think it is probably one of if not the best season. I'm going against the grain here, but it is just really classic.

As for new shows, here is the lowdown. We loved Studio 60, but who wouldn't love a new Sorkin show, esp one about our former lives in Hollywood? And the most intriguing thing is this Evangelical Christian character on there. We thought maybe she was based on Victoria Jackson but then someone else pointed out that the storyline involving her going on 700 club actually happened to Kristin Chenowith. Since the character looks like Kristin (and that Pat Robertson subplot is hardly a coincidence), we're guessing that's the basis. But how interesting! And so far, she seems normal and nice enough. This is a very intriguing thing for Aaron to try. I love his work so much - Sports Night, West Wing - so I have really really high hopes for this show. If only it weren't on too late. I have to tape it (and last week I messed up but thankfully I could watch it online - ain't technology grand?).

Last night I taped the unfortunately titled Sisters & Brothers. Apparently it's about Calista Flockhart being a Republican talk-show host who's not a mean person (can we get any more sci-fi fantasy??) but whose family is all liberal and consists of people like Sally Field and Balthazar Getty and Rachel Griffiths, as well as a super-nice gay brother and another who's in Afghanistan in the army (that might be Getty?). It's like the whole world of issues in one extended group of adults who are supposed to be believed related even though they don't look all that alike. Anyway I haven't watched it yet but I think it has real potential as a concept. I hope it doesn't suck. I'll let you know.

Finally I have to say I was amused by 'Til Death. It actually is fairly funny for a traditional comedy. I mean, it's no Arrested Development, but TV execs apparently don't know what to do with hysterically funny stuff.

OK, enough about unimportant subjects. Although I'll fight to the death for my right to fry my brain with TV. And the stuff I watch is worth watching. I'm just going to be one of those priests who makes constant pop culture references. It's in my nature. Can't help it. Love the pop culture.

But I also love whatever other culture I can get my hands on, and I went to a cool opening the other night of an exhibit you should see if you're in town. It's a series of works by orphaned children in Malawi at the Armory Center in Pasadena. Beautiful photos and heartbreaking drawings.

Yesterday I got to hear Susan Thistlethwaite speak. She's President of Chicago Theological Seminary (and may I say they have the coolest website I've EVER seen for a school!!). She pointed us to this awesome address by one of their profs. I'm just gonna say go read it.
She was giving a talk on "Biblical Self-Defense" at all saints. Basically telling people how to respond to those who wield the bible as a weapon towards them - but respond on their terms, meaning knowing the other side scripturally. This is a difficult concept for us mainliners, who prefer our bible in easily digestible lectionary bits and mixed into liturgical prayers with no sense of chapter or book context. And she gave us a little chiding for ignoring the bible, when in fact it's a simply wonderful thing for us liberals to know. I mean, just read the thing - God is totally on our side!

Okay, maybe I'm exaggerating a bit.

Anyway, Madame President was telling us how to wrestle with Scripture instead of ignore it, how to read the bible contextually, and reminding us to read all of it, not just the bits we like (which people on both sides of any debate are guilty of doing). All stuff I know from seminary, but I'm really glad she was there to tell the laypeople about it. She did it in such a clear and understandable way. Really nice work. She mainly used a Jewish approach, which is unafraid to question the text. She said, "A lifelong love of Scripture is a lifelong argument with God." Doesn't that make us feel better about the book of Judges? :)

I think God loves our challenges - loves our arguing. I was thinking as I walked (!) to school this morning all about whether God purposely created bananas as they are (guess what my breakfast was) or if She just set some systems in motion and then saw how things turned out. Isn't it a neat idea, to think of God eagerly anticipating how the next plant or animal or star will evolve? Watching this awesome system that She's set in motion start to produce actual living things. Funny shapes and colors, powerful energy and emotions. Breath. Sex. Birth. Death. Photosynthesis. Chameleons. I mean, come on - that had to be a kick. I like to think that while there may have been an idea, and goals, perhaps some of it (and here I go heretical again) was a surprise. The way the world turned out - good and bad - a surprise. God laughing and clapping at the beauty of it all. Just read Job again - the chapters where God speaks are all about creation, and God seems as amazed as we get about it. God's proud of it but also in wonder at it, I think.

And at us, too. I hope we surprise God. In good ways, mostly. I bet when we do disappointing things it's not too much of a surprise. But we can make God laugh and clap, too.

Well anyway, I should close this up. I do want to make one advertisement, and that's for the new category of membership at All Saints' called "Solidarity Membership." Anyone, from any religion or none at all, is welcome to support their legal fund, and any amount will get you this type of membership. I think it's a totally cool way for those who agree with the principle of this freedom fight to stand behind it without necessarily aligning themselves with anything else they aren't comfortable with (Christianity, liberalism, Episcopals, etc). I hope we get lots of support from those conservative Evangelicals who put voter guides in churches and preach on the virtues of our current administration. They need this freedom more than anybody!

So if you want to participate, just visit All Saints' website, and instructions are in the 2nd paragraph under the "IRS Update" banner.

Press Conference

Yesterday I attended the press conference regarding the IRS action against All Saints. They are not going to comply with the demands of the government. And I say more power to ‘em.

It really felt like an historic moment. I was most impressed by the strong interfaith presence there, those of the Jewish and Muslim faiths standing in solidarity with all those men and women! in collars. They spoke out against what’s happened to All Saints and said that the threat against them was a threat to all people of faith, to all pulpits. One Muslim leader said that intimidation tactics “smell rotten.”

Someone asked if they felt unfairly targeted, since Evangelical Christians pretty much blatantly take credit for electing Bush, and the rector said he gets emails from people across the country, from Evangelicals, saying they can’t understand why we’re being investigated. They say, “You should have heard the sermon at my church last Sunday!” It was pretty amusing.

The thing that everyone was stressing was that this is an attack on freedom of speech and religion. Let me try to explain why. The IRS regulations only say that non-profits cannot align themselves with a particular party or candidate. But All Saints’ didn’t recommend a candidate or a party. The sermon did point out that Bush was responsible for the war in Iraq (which is pretty much a fact) and that as Christians, we are against war. In a really convoluted way, you can say that was campaigning against Bush.

But I liked the way another person put it (I think it was Bacon the rector). He said something like our religion is against terrorism of all kinds and against poverty and against war and against oppression and stands with the dispossessed, the poor, and the downtrodden. Thus, our religion speaks out and teaches about these issues, because they are at the heart of who we are – of who Jesus was. If the government muzzles the church from speaking to these issues, then they are attacking our freedom of religion. Our religion is fundamentally about these things. Without them, we are not able to do God’s work. So saying we can’t talk about them is the same as saying we can’t practice our faith.

Anyway, you can read about the press conference here. Enjoy.

IRS strikes ASPas again

If you haven't heard, the IRS is at All Saints' Pasadena's throat again (just in time for the election season!). You can read all about it on their website:
http://www.allsaints-pas.org/all_saints_church.htm

I recommend reading the rector's sermon from this past Sunday, "Neighbor Love is Never Neutral." But you can also read the actual letters from the IRS, and the original sermon that caused the fuss.

Even though I'm interning there I'm pretty much outside the loop on this one, so I don't have any special insider info for you. I can say what most others are saying: that if we cannot preach against war, that if we cannot use our pulpits to proclaim our morality, then we are pretty much muzzled entirely. If you can't preach against war, then you can't preach against abortion either. Or gay people. Or unjust economic policies. I suppose they'd have us all going back to the days of hellfire and brimstone preaching, because at least then, sermons had nothing to do with the here and now.

Too bad. From the prophets on to us, we are a people that seeks justice and calls our own to work towards a better world. And we can't do that unless we speak truth to power, speak out against that which we believe Jesus would stand against. Which we know our saints have stood against.

But in doing so, we must adopt Jesus' attitude of humility and self-sacrifice. We can stand up against the powers, but if they need to hurt or kill us, then so be it. As long as there are more of us waiting to speak and act, we needn't worry about our own life.

The only way there are more waiting in the wings to stand up for justice is if they have learned what is right and wrong from their church, and that happens, among other ways, through preachers who are unafraid to boldly declare the hard truths of scripture - the beautiful, all-encompassing love of God, which desires none to suffer or be left behind or left out. When we see pain and worse, cause it, we must speak against it.

As a preacher, that is what I know I have to do. So I can't blame Regas for his sermon, and I don't want the precedent set that the government can meddle in what the church teaches. This is why we had separation of church and state in the first place (which, incidentally, I think is a very good thing, for precisely this reason).

Or maybe we should all give up our tax-exempt status so that we can say whatever we want. I dunno. How would that work?

Life with Internet

You know, it's really, really hard to keep up a blog or email or life in general without constant home access to the internet. On the one hand, it should be freeing. But it's not - it's a horrible burden. This morning, we couldn't find our cord for the new laptop. It took forever to get to the library and wait for a computer so we could look up a phone number for where we thought we'd left it. Simple things like that are suddenly a whole project (not to mention you have to get dressed and walk across the street). And that's why the blog has been so sparing lately. I have no shortage of topics on which to write, I just only get 1 hour on the computers here and I spend all of that sifting through emails. I get over 50 a day. I spent my hour today unsubscribing from just about everything. Then I have no time for actually reading the important stuff.

It's crazy. I really hope once school starts I'll be able to spend more time in the lab there and there are no limits on time. So hopefully I'll be back then. Sorry I haven't written much.

Now I'm going book shopping. Hopefully I can shake off my tension and enjoy this normally pleasurable activity.

Ugh, lost post

blogger lost today's post. too tired to rewrite. pray for me - internship is too much. need a break. also went to friend's mom's funeral today and that was tiring and sad. also darfur is a mess and you should check www.savedarfur.org to send Bush a message about it.

later I will write again about the William Wilberforce movie but too frustrated to rewrite now.

Thoughts on an Anniversary

Today is an important day...an anniversary of a most remarkable moment in our modern era.

100 years ago today, Mohandas Gandhi initiated the first organized non-violence movement in history. Gandhi stood up against the most powerful empire on earth - and won - by simply refusing to fight their way. He refused to accept their terms: hatred, deception, pain, violence. He chose to absorb suffering rather than inflict it.

It took a Hindu to teach Christianity its own political strategy.

Martin Luther King Jr. was inspired by Gandhi and changed America. He wrote:

"We shall match your capacity to inflict suffering by our capacity to endure suffering. We shall meet your physical force with soul force. Do to us what you will, and we shall continue to love you. Throw us in jail, and we shall still love you. Bomb our homes and threaten our children, and we shall still love you. Send your hooded perpetrators of violence into our community at the midnight hour and beat us and leave us half dead, and we shall still love you.

But be assured that we will wear you down by our capacity to suffer.

One day we shall win freedom, but not only for ourselves. We shall so appeal to your heart and conscience that we shall win you in the process, and our victory will be a double victory."

King understood, as many of us are beginning to understand, that there are two basic forces behind every action a person takes, two root causes of how we choose to live our lives. They are Love and Fear. Fear is behind hate, violence, self-preservation, and retribution. Love is behind suffering, forgiveness, grace, and faith.

People of faith call Love God, because we read in our scriptures that God is love, and those who abide in Love abide in God and God in them. But whether or not you call it God, you can still choose to live your life from a place of Love. The only thing that will save our world is for those of us who haven't given up hope to begin choosing to live from Love rather than Fear.

How would this look?

We would be patient. We would be kind. We would not be envious or boastful or arrogant or rude. We would not insist on our own way. We would not be irritable or resentful. We would not rejoice in wrongdoing, but rejoice in truth. We would bear all things...endure all things.

We would keep no record of wrongs.

Which brings me to the other anniversary we recall today, the other day in our modern era that changed the world. But that day five years ago set us on a course of Fear rather than love, and has only led the world to greater confusion, pain, apathy, cynicism, and suffering.

The Mahatma knew better than many of our Christian leaders how to respond to attack. How to react to violence and pain. How to deal with the shock and dismay and horror of such an event.

He responded with Love.

We have tried Fear for five years and things are not any better.

May I humbly suggest we try Loving our enemies.

100 years ago today, the world changed when one man made such a suggestion. It changed when William Wilberforce chose Love and abolished slavery in the greatest empire on earth. It changed when King marched and went to jail and was beaten and refused, refused, refused to fight back with anything but Love. It changed when women went on hunger strike in jail and won the vote.

I know it offends our sense of justice and dignity. I know it seems naive. But it has worked. We have historical proof. When people absorb the world's suffering instead of lashing out with it, others have no choice but to marvel at the great power of Love. And then they change too.

But the only way to have the strength to do this is to stand together and to draw upon our higher power, whatever we may call it. Do not try to do it alone. You will end up cynical or disillusioned or angry. But if you draw upon the Higher Love, you will find reserves of strength and grace and even joy that you never knew possible.

We can all make a difference. We can vote. We can write. We can stand vigil. We can read and study and become informed. We can buy fair trade goods. We can turn off the air conditioner. We can drive less. We can ask Starbucks if our latte is made with fair trade coffee, and if not, why not? (can you imagine if we got Starbucks changed!) We can shop at Costco instead of WalMart. We can patronize unionized hotels. We can visit those in prison to let them know they are not forgotten. We can support our local farmers, buying their produce.

Sure, it may cost us more money to live this way. You know what? We can afford it. And the world cannot afford for us not to.

But the most important thing we can do, regardless of how we shop or eat or spend our time, is for each one of us to decide in our hearts that we will live from Love and not Fear. That we will support those in power who choose the way of Love over Fear. That we will not let them scare us any more. That we will not allow our own desire for safety, health, and happiness to override our compassion for other people just like us. We must choose the way of Love or our world will continue falling apart.

Each of us will find our own path to Love, and our own way to express it in the world. But let me urge you to draw upon Love from a higher power, and from those around you. Jim Wallis says that the two great hungers in our world today are for justice and spirituality. I believe he is right. And we must have the two together for either to work properly.

So I encourage you, as you ponder the way your life changed five years ago today, to ponder also the way the world changed 100 years ago today. To consider whether there may be another way to move forward. To consider the way of Love.

It still hurts. And we may not ever forget, and we probably should not. But we can choose how we react. And we have seen that Fear does not make things any better, for ourselves personally or for our nation or for the world.

But I have a secret to share with you. It is very good news.

Perfect Love casts out Fear.

Politics & Spirituality Conference

Just a reminder that I'll be at the conference in Pasadena all weekend. My nametag should say "Feminary" so look for me & say hello! If nothing else, I'm ushering at the Thomas Mass on Sunday, so find me there. I'm blonde with a bad haircut (just got it, thank you very much) and 5'7". I'll probably wear my various political statement t-shirts.

Looking forward to meeting new people! I'll blog as I can about the event for those of you who can't make it.

On Second Thought...Lewis the Universalist?

So it turns out I may have been unfair to ol’ Clive Staples in my universalism paper. I just finished The Great Divorce – quite a wonderful little book, an easy afternoon read (I recommend by the pool, tho sober, for it is quite advanced prose) – and towards the end he seems to have changed his mind about universalism. Or at least, he admits that Paul was a universalist (and George MacDonald, which if you know Lewis’s story, you know that’s an important influence). In the end he seems to say that one cannot say for sure either way, but that from the vantage point of humanity (in Time), we could not understand universalism fully. But he seems to want to say that it will be so in the end, which would put him in the optimistic camp. His caveat is that humans, in Time, cannot release the idea of our Freedom. Yet once we are out of our body and the timeline of history, we will perhaps have a different perspective on Freedom, and in fact see the possibility of universalism as not conflicting with our personality at all. This is not possible while stuck in human form.

Hmmmm….he’s sounding a bit Gnostic, isn’t he? And in fact, he’s quite Platonic, in that he writes about our Immortal Souls standing around watching our human selves act out our lives in time. Yes, Lewis was extremely smart and a wonderful writer, but I can’t go with these notions. I’m pretty much an open theist, and I do believe God is in time, and I don’t believe the Bible supports an immortal soul for all (immortality is a gift from God, not an inborn quality). So I depart from Lewis on several points.

But I did want to say (and I wish I’d been able to include this in the paper) that Lewis seems to have tempered his ideas from The Problem of Pain in his later years (it was published 6 years prior to Divorce), and seems to be saying that universalism is a possibility, just not one that we can comprehend in our current state (or at least he couldn't comprehend it).

One other thing - keep a lookout for Mel White, on a book tour coming to a town near you. He's in LA Sept 18. Since I didn't make the Equality Ride events (or rather was barred from attending them), I plan to try to get to this.