Monday, November 14, 2005

Sad Face

It's happening again. People are asking me if I'm okay, or what's wrong, or telling me I "look particularly sad." Now this is something that I'm rather used to, I'm sorry to say. I don't have an answer for them. All I can say is yes, they're right, I'm tired. And yeah, I feel sad, but not for any reason. That's the annoying thing. They want a reason - they want a justification. And when I can't give it, they assume I just don't want to tell them. And I get the: "oh, you don't have to tell me," but there's really nothing to tell! I don't have a reason. And I don't feel like I'm wallowing in anything negative. I simply carry this sadness around and people see it - anyone with a bit of sensitivity can usually see it. But there's nothing specifically wrong with me, and there's nothing that can specifically fix it. It's simply there, attached to me, like I have a black aura or something.

What's weird is that I don't feel like it's unmanageable, and I'm still full of love and excitement for the world. I am not in despair at all. However, I am constantly on the verge of tears.

This is how I got myself diagnosed depressed. Unfortunately I can't see that doctor anymore so I'm trying to stretch my medicine. Also I am sick of being on pills. And as much as I voraciously defend them, it does feel like something of a personal failing not to be able to normalize myself without drugs.

But this sadness is not the kind that goes away with the normal activities - bubble bath, meditation, even the meds. It's just this part of my personality. People have always come to me and asked what's wrong when nothing at all is wrong. So what? Do I just feel the pain of the world more strongly than most people? Do I reflect the pain around me? Do I have a sad face?

Well anyway, that's been bothering me. If I know you and you see me don't ask me what's wrong. Really, it's nothing, you don't have to worry. I'm fine. Unless you can explain to me why I feel this way. That I would be keen to learn.

4 comments:

Anonymous said...

Dear Sister,

I read your blog occasionally. And today I'm filled with love and sorrow for you.

Fact is, you do "feel the pain of the world more strongly than most people." Because you've been called to share in Christ's sufferings.

And that can be a source of blazing joy.

***

...And I lay battered,
Flayed and split,
And ground to dust
Beneath him there.

But Jesus didn't
Take the pain;
He only kissed
And stroked my hair,

And said: "My sister,
My great love,
I love you with
Such boundless grace,

That I'll give you
My sweetest gift
And let you suffer
In my place."

***

Accept the pain and bear witness to it.

It's time for Western Christians to start suffering again.

The Feminarian said...

Thank you for that poem...it is difficult and enlightening. It reminds me that we too often wish to have Jesus take away all our pain...but are we really ready to suffer FOR him? Would we - could we - die in his place? Jesus died for what he believed in (namely, us). Oh, we of little faith!!

Rebecca said...

People have asked me that too. It can become frustrating. I consider myself educated in the area of mental health (I used to volunteer at a help line) so I took myself to the doctor (because I live in Canada) who said "we can give you meds" but I don't want them. It does seem liike a failing. And I went to a psychologist and what a waste of time that was. Maybe you have to keep going back to feel better? I agree with you: I think there's lots of reasons why people are depressed (clinically), and maybe one of them is that we feel the pain of the world. Maybe that's being like Jesus or maybe it just plain sucks. Sorry for the rant but thanks for the honesty!

sylvia said...

wow i was just thinking about how people always say i look sad or upset and ask me if i'm ok, and i did a google search on a couple of words and i found this blog entry. it seems that you feel exactly the way i feel, and i've never really understand why people say that about me but what you're saying here really makes perfect sense. thanks for sharing