Sad Face

It's happening again. People are asking me if I'm okay, or what's wrong, or telling me I "look particularly sad." Now this is something that I'm rather used to, I'm sorry to say. I don't have an answer for them. All I can say is yes, they're right, I'm tired. And yeah, I feel sad, but not for any reason. That's the annoying thing. They want a reason - they want a justification. And when I can't give it, they assume I just don't want to tell them. And I get the: "oh, you don't have to tell me," but there's really nothing to tell! I don't have a reason. And I don't feel like I'm wallowing in anything negative. I simply carry this sadness around and people see it - anyone with a bit of sensitivity can usually see it. But there's nothing specifically wrong with me, and there's nothing that can specifically fix it. It's simply there, attached to me, like I have a black aura or something.

What's weird is that I don't feel like it's unmanageable, and I'm still full of love and excitement for the world. I am not in despair at all. However, I am constantly on the verge of tears.

This is how I got myself diagnosed depressed. Unfortunately I can't see that doctor anymore so I'm trying to stretch my medicine. Also I am sick of being on pills. And as much as I voraciously defend them, it does feel like something of a personal failing not to be able to normalize myself without drugs.

But this sadness is not the kind that goes away with the normal activities - bubble bath, meditation, even the meds. It's just this part of my personality. People have always come to me and asked what's wrong when nothing at all is wrong. So what? Do I just feel the pain of the world more strongly than most people? Do I reflect the pain around me? Do I have a sad face?

Well anyway, that's been bothering me. If I know you and you see me don't ask me what's wrong. Really, it's nothing, you don't have to worry. I'm fine. Unless you can explain to me why I feel this way. That I would be keen to learn.