Thursday, March 30, 2006

To drop or not to drop

Sitting in class, writing this. Well it's actually a break. But I was playing solitaire during class. Because we were reading the syllabus. Which is a great use of time. Although I was thinking that I don't really ever read them myself, so I should probably be paying attention.

So I am really in a terrible mood. I've been snappy at people and crying off and on. It's really hard to sit in a class for 3 hours when you just want to cry.

It's the stress level. I can't take it much longer. I need a break. Oh, I was supposed to have just had one. Only I DIDN'T! And now I need one. Badly.

I have every intention of going to a quiet day at church on Saturday. But that will kill most of Saturday (it's 9-3). And tomorrow is shot b/c I have class in the morning and various school crap to take care of in the afternoon. Which leaves the weekend evenings (because hell, what else would I have to do?) and Sunday (after church) for studying. Seeing how I have several hundred pages of reading, 12 verses of greek to translate, and now this crazy prof who is assigning us extra stuff that's due 2 days before class (doesn't he understand that when class is on Thursday night that means I can only do his homework on Thursday?? My weekend is for the Monday/Wednesday class homework!). Oh, and there's that movie about cota I'm supposed to finish so it can be shown when Karen is here, and there's the arts fest which I'm supposed to be a big figure in (and I'm trying to get stuff ready to perform...and I just was recruited to write for chapel...and...), and oh yeah, I have that internship which I don't really go to anymore and I now have 3 books to read for it, and there's Thad's which is my real passion and where I'm most involved (brain-wise).

God. How did this happen? And I have to tell you, I am terrified of my Greek exegesis class. Pure terror. I don't know what to do. For the first time I am considering dropping a class. Which would put me under full time (tho I'd still be at 10 units - pretty darn full). So what? Well, for one thing, I'd be off schedule for graduating end of summer '07. Not a huge deal, but could mess up my life in that J will be looking for a job about that time and may move across the country from here. I'd like to go along. Then there's the financial aid deal - I'm on scholarship (not for the whole cost - not even close - but significant $$) and I might lose it. I have to check on that - if it's pro-rated or just completely gone. That does make a difference.

To make everything worse, the last day to drop a class and get a full refund Well tomorrow as I write this, but who knows when I'll post this. Have never gotten my wireless to work so I can't post in class. Anyway the point is I have to decide immediately.

God, the idea of dropping a class is so enticing. But then I think, I might as well get it over with. But then I might get a terrible grade and/or stress myself out. Then again I might learn from 1 Peter, stuff that I can use at Thad's or in interfaith work - it's about Christian identity, which is really interesting to me. But if I drop it I'm not going to have to translate every week...and dramatically reduce the time I spend on homework. But if I drop it, I have to take something else later, and it could be just as bad.

I don't know what to do. The biggest thing is wanting to finish in a certain time, which is stupid, because the smartest people I know here are taking longer to finish than "normal" (no such thing anyway). And J says it's fine to take longer - and it's his life that gets screwed up if I make us stay here when there's a job across the country (of course if Harvard calls he'll go and I'll live with the cats and that will be that).

Of course, what just happened? We looked at 1 Peter 2:1-10, which is a section about...we think...laypeople. And the change in the sacrificial system from Judaism to "spiritualized" sacrifices in Christianity. And I'm reading along and getting into 1 Peter, interested in the ideas about ecclesiology that this passage reveals. There are concrete actions for the priesthood of everyone - including worship, proclamation, and my prof claims the rest of the letter reveals more content of what it means to be the royal priesthood, God's people. God's possession, says the literal. And then I curiously went to the Greek to check the terminology and I did in fact recognize most of the words. I guess my vocab is still okay, it's just the whole verb and tense thing that I fear.

So I don't know. Maybe I should just stick it out. I could learn at least one book of the Bible really well in Greek. The prof says we'll translate the whole thing. I'll have that. And maybe tools to keep translating in other books.

Would I use that though? These days I feel like Latin, German and French would be a lot more useful than Greek & Hebrew. I think I might actually know Latin better than Greek anymore. And I never studied it - I just sang it a lot and have read a lot of liturgy!

Grrr...I don't know what to do. The 1 Peter Greek is a bear. All kinds of words that exist nowhere else in the NT. Stuff that is more Classical (Attic) than Koine. Verb tenses I've never heard of. I could hold out for something Johannine. I think I did most of 1 John in my Greek workbook.

Dammit! Now it's showing. The stress. People asking me if I'm OK, which makes me more pissy. Snappish. On the bright side, I'm scaring people off and they mostly leave me alone in class.

Maybe it will get better. It has to. Or to the padded room I will go.

Maybe I'm just stressing for Lent. Think Easter can erase this? Now that would be a miracle.

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