Ethics of a Sandwich

So today I was walking to school
(oh I know I've been ignoring the 3 beautiful things - well not ignoring just forgetting - but hey I went a month I think which ain't bad for a resolution)

Anyway I was walking and I passed a homeless guy and he asked for change, and I automatically said I was sorry, and kept walking. I got about halfway down the block and then I thought I'm such a hypocrite, I have a sandwich I just made for my lunch in my backpack. So I went back and offered it to him, and he was grateful (which was nice - downtown sometimes when we offered food we got laughed at or spit on). Turned out the pear I'd brought was bad, so I didn't have any lunch, in the end. But that was fine, since I don't go hungry most days, and that guy probably does. He was sweet to say he didn't want to take my lunch, but I honestly replied that I could get more food if I needed it.

So anyway I felt really good after I walked away. He'd asked me if I went to Fuller, which means others of my peers have probably talked to and helped him out. I was pleased with myself for not being a big ol' loser who walks by a hungry person with food in my backpack.

And then I started overanalyzing it all, as I am wont to do, and I realized that maybe I was feeling too good and had in fact fallen into a sinful pride over the whole thing. Perhaps I had ruined the good deed by puffing myself up over it.

We've been studying Luther's ethics and how he says you should feed your neighbor because he's hungry, not to please God. And I think he's got a point. I fed the guy because he needed lunch. I don't discount myself in God's eyes by feeling good about myself, no more than I upped my standing with God by doing it in the first place.

Yet I was still bothered. Would Luther say one should stop doing good deeds until one can do them with a pure heart? If a good deed will cause one to sin (by feeling pride), should one not do it? Or is none of this actually pride, or maybe not bad pride (is there good pride)?

Anyway I posed the question to my prof so we'll see what he says. Meantime, that's my dilemma today. And now I've made it all that much worse by telling you when I'm not supposed to go about trumpeting my deeds.

Sigh. I'm a piece of work.

UPDATE

Prof's response:
"No, I think he'd say, of course you did it with pride -- you're a sinner justified by Christ, that's just what sinners do.
This is a perfect illustration of Luther's dictum, Sin boldly, but believe in Christ more boldly still."

The latest sermon

So my first sermon at St. B's yesterday - my first sermon in a church instead of a classroom - went really well. I felt good about it and the people seemed to dig it. The best compliment I got was one woman telling me I am clearly wearing Christ (you'll understand when you read the rest). That was awesome to hear.

So enjoy.

For when I look to myself as a single individual, then I am nothing. But all my hope comes from being united in one love with all my fellow Christians. For on this unity the life of all that shall be saved depends. – Julian of Norwich

Who are you Wearing?

I want to thank you for the opportunity to lead us in a few thoughts on God’s word today. For those of you who don’t know, I am interning here at St. Barnabas for the next six months or so. I really look forward to getting to know everyone here during our time together.

Since most of you don’t know me well, it may be news to you that I worked for five years in Hollywood right after moving to LA. I did everything from scout locations for commercials to help with shooting a movie. I even worked on the television show “Touched by an Angel” for a season.

I still have many friends from my Hollywood days, and right now is one of our favorite times of year: it’s called “Award Show Season”. It’s a special time when people in Hollywood get together multiple times to wear extremely expensive clothes and congratulate one another on being generally beautiful and fabulous. In a couple weeks we have the granddaddy of all our celebrations: The Academy Awards. It’s like the Super Bowl for Hollywood people – we all get together and have snacks and we make predictions and cheer on our favorite films and actors and sound technicians.

But of course the real fun of the Oscars is the pre-show, isn’t it? When we get to watch the stars walk down the red carpet, and Joan Rivers grabs them and asks them embarrassing questions, and (sometimes) compliments their outfit. And then what question does she always ask them? Do you know?

Who are you wearing?

Now of course she doesn’t mean to imply that the person is wearing another person, she’s simply asking who designed their dress or tuxedo.

But today’s epistle also asks us this question, quite literally: Who are you wearing?

It’s an important thing to know. Our clothes say a lot about us. The robes on the people up front here indicate that we have specific roles to play in this service. Many of us still like to dress up for church in our “Sunday Best.” When I was a child (who hated to wear tights!), I always whined, “WHY do I have to dress up??” and my parents would tell me it was because we want to look our best for Jesus.

Now, I know Jesus doesn’t really care what we wear, nor whether we can afford nice things. But the point is that it taught me respect for God’s house, and helped me realize that when we went to church it was just as special as going to a friend’s birthday party or dressing up for picture day at school.

We like to dress up for special occasions. We may wear a uniform for work. We dress for the weather, or we dress to impress. We say, “Clothes make the man.”

Someone may not know us at all, but they can make a few assumptions just based on seeing our clothes. Clothes are on the outside and (hopefully) covering most of our body. They may stick out or blend in, but they are always more apparent to other people than, say, our thoughts or our emotions are. Clothes are the first thing many people notice about us. They can’t help but be seen when others look at us.

In our epistle today, Paul reminds us that when people look at us, they should see Jesus. Jesus should be as obvious as if we were wearing him like a jacket. The text says that in our baptism, we are “clothed” or “dressed” in Christ. Paul reminds us that our baptism was a special moment when we put on Jesus so that when others look at us, they see Christ.

The bible uses this metaphor of clothing a lot, especially in the Old Testament. The Psalms and prophets talk about people being clothed with salvation, with shame, with strength and dignity, with righteousness. But Paul takes it a step further – he says, “Don’t just be clothed with these attributes. Be clothed in Christ – and take on all of who he is.”

In these verses, Paul doesn’t say believe in Jesus. He doesn’t even say act like Jesus. What he says here is that you have been clothed in Jesus.

Incidentally, that’s why we give adults a white robe after they are baptized, which is a very ancient practice. It’s a visual, outward sign of their joining the saints, who in the book of Revelation are robed in white.

Paul says let Christ be visible like your clothes. Let him be the first thing others see when they look at you. Let Christ be close to you and surround you like a favorite sweater. Let Christ cover you. Let Christ protect you, as your coat does from the cold or the rain.

When all of us put on Christ together – when we are all united with Christ – we all become united in Christ. Do you know what that means? We’re all wearing the same outfit this morning.

In our gospel reading, Jesus proclaims a blessing on those that the world casts off as hopeless, and he says “woe” to those who we might think are doing pretty well. In these radical statements, Jesus is opening the Kingdom of God to everyone, no matter how bad they have it, no matter how much the world has ignored them. There is no Jew nor Greek, slave nor free person, male and female. It doesn’t matter if you are poor or hungry or sad or hated – you are in Christ, so you are in the Kingdom.

To be God’s people, we must drop these externals, the things we may first notice, the accidents of our birth. Look around you, and see not a free person or a woman or someone who’s depressed or poor, but see Jesus. That’s who we are all wearing. I must recognize that all these other people around me in this room are wearing Christ, just like I am. That makes us one.

When we come together to worship, we are like trees planted by streams of living water. We come to the altar and we drink deeply of the life-giving body and blood of Jesus. We sing and we pray together, we hear God’s word, we speak peace to one another. We do all these things because we know we are one in Christ Jesus. When we see everybody wearing the same person, we know this place is safe. These people, working together, will give us life.

My friends, I love this little church because when I come here I see Jesus. I see a body of believers who have put on Christ proudly. I see people of all ages, races, genders, shapes and sizes united in worshiping the Triune God.

Before he went to his death, Jesus prayed for all believers, including us. He prayed that we would be one, that we would be so unified, we’d be like he was with his Father. Jesus wants us to be one. From sweet baby Ryan on up to whoever is oldest (and I’m not going there), we are really just one person.

When we celebrate Ryan and his parents after church today, or when we visit those who can’t be with us this morning, or when we pray for our fellow Christians around the world, we remember that all of us are members of one body, all of us are wearing the same person.

So when you come up here today for communion, think about it: who are you wearing?
And when you sit at coffee hour, who are you wearing?
When you’re at work or school this week, who are you wearing?
When someone cuts in front of you in line, or cuts you off on the road, who are you wearing?
When you someone needs your help, or your prayers, or your laugh, or your support, who are you wearing?

We are all of us dressed in Christ Jesus. And that’s better than anything you’ll see on the red carpet.

Slavery is Now

This came in my Sojourner's email today from Jim Wallis, and I am copying it in its entirety because I feel very strongly about this campaign (Batstone actually spoke Tuesday at Fuller but I missed it, being at a focus group for Bread for the World - so many causes!). I urge you to read it and consider it. I saw this film last fall and cannot recommend it highly enough. I was absolutely stunned to learn there are nearly 3x as many people in slavery today as there were 200 years ago. This issue is not settled. So read the book, see the film, get your church involved - whatever you can. People's lives depend on it. And please, please, buy fair trade!!

Time For the New Abolitionists

In a new book being released this week - NOT for Sale: The Return of the Global Slave Trade – and How We Can Fight It – my friend and colleague David Batstone turns a spotlight on one of the greatest moral scandals of our time. Many of us believe that slavery ended with the Civil War, but a look at reality in the 21st century quickly reveals otherwise.

He begins the book:"Twenty-seven million slaves exist in our world today. Girls and boys, women and men of all ages are forced to toil in the rug looms of Nepal, sell their bodies in the brothels of Rome, break rocks in the quarries of Pakistan, and fight wars in the jungles of Africa. Go behind the façade in any major town or city in the world today and you are likely to find a thriving commerce in human beings.

"In writing the book, Batstone traveled to Cambodia, Thailand, Peru, India, Uganda, South Africa, and Eastern Europe, investigating the situation and interviewing hundreds of people whose stories the book tells. In poorer countries of the world, poverty and inequality create the conditions that lead to slavery. From destitute parents selling their children, to young rural women looking for work in the cities, to people being trapped in debt with no way out – the pool of potential slaves continues to grow. The International Labor Organization estimates that the work performed by trafficked individuals generates $32 billion a year. Stories of these horrendous injustices have been trickling out over the past few years, but now somebody has put it all together, describing both the magnitude of the problem and the solutions that could really stop modern slavery.

Two hundred years ago, British parliamentarian William Wilberforce and his group of friends profoundly changed the political and social climate of their time by taking on the slave trade. Wilberforce was a convert of the religious revivals that transformed 18th-century England. His life and his vocation as a Member of Parliament were profoundly changed by his newfound faith; he became a force for moral politics. His mentor, John Newton, worked in the slave trade before he became a minister, and became well known for writing the beloved hymn "Amazing Grace." Later, Newton used his influence as a religious leader to lead the battle against slavery. In light of his efforts, we can read his immortal words, "Amazing grace, how sweet the sound, that saved a wretch like me," not merely as a testimony of private guilt and piety, but also as a turning away from the sin of trafficking in human flesh. His conversion produced a social and political transformation as well as a personal one. And that’s what Batstone is calling for today.

That kind of conversion became true in the life of Wilberforce, who first heard Newton speak when he was young but regarded his real conversion to be confirmed following a series of conversations in 1785-86. At the conclusion of their conversations, Newton said: "The Lord has raised you up for the good of the church and the good of the nation." Two years later, Wilberforce introduced his first anti–slave trade motion into Parliament. It was defeated, and would be defeated nine more times until it passed in 1807. It was a historic and moral victory, but Wilberforce wasn't satisfied until slavery was abolished altogether. Finally, in 1833, the House of Commons passed a bill abolishing slavery in the British Empire, and Wilberforce died three days later, his work finally done.

A new film about to be released, Amazing Grace, tells the story of William Wilberforce. On February 18, "Amazing Grace Sunday," churches around the globe will sing "Amazing Grace" and pray for the end of modern slavery. On February 23, 2007, the movie opens at theaters across the country. Click here to watch a trailer of the film.

Dave Batstone has been converted on the issue of modern slavery, and is now calling for our conversion. Today, as then, there is a growing abolitionist movement: heroic individuals who are rescuing slaves and creating a modern-day underground railroad to carry them to freedom, and organizations that provide social services and legal advocacy for victims of human trafficking. Batstone’s remarkable book tells the story of this new abolitionist movement. He ends his book with a chapter on "ending the slave trade in our time." It begins, "I believe in the power of individuals to change the world. Social movements take root and blossom when enough individuals take personal action." The chapter then offers creative ideas for becoming an abolitionist, and a listing of the major abolition organizations. A new campaign is being created around the book – the Not for Sale Campaign. It’s time for all of us to join the campaign.

Recently, I was preaching at an evangelical Christian college in the American Midwest. I called for a new generation of Martin Luther Kings and William Wilberforces. Afterward, two young women were waiting to talk to me at the end of a long line of students. When they finally got their turn to speak, they looked me straight in the eye and said, "We are going to be the next Martin Luther King Jr. and William Wilberforce, and we just wanted to tell you that." I told them I was glad to meet them now, before they became famous! But they were serious, and so was I. The history of earlier centuries can inform a new generation of Christians in their struggle to reunite faith and social justice in our own time.

David Batstone has been getting ready to write this book for a long time. His broad experiences in global issues, business ethics, and Christian social justice movements have all been forms of preparation for this work. When he talks about the modern slave trade, I can hear and feel the passion in his voice. Wilberforce was almost obsessed with slavery, and Batstone can’t let go of it either. He has seen too much now: He has talked to too many victims, and thought often of his own kids, who are about the same ages as the children he’s met who are being trafficked. Dave is on a mission, and invites us to join him. Read his book, see the film, and join the campaign to abolish slavery.

Busy week

Oh, dear, I've been away for a while. I'm sorry. It's midterms (she says in the hopes that will explain everything). Seriously, I did have two major papers this week, which went quite well. I'm spending less time on the papers for my history classes and that's a good thing, because I was overdoing them (I liked my grades, but there's a point at which one needs to cut oneself off). The paper for Galatians turned out really good (my peers and prof have been most encouraging) and we continued discussing Gal 3:28 for half the class today (it was already our topic on Tuesday and we never talk about anything more than 1 class. I think a thesis is forming for my final paper that's going to have something to do with ownership - who owns you, who is in control of your life. Well, that, and the mysticism in Paul, which is related. I'm reading Schweitzer on that one. I think there's something really interesting to be said about mystical union and being clothed in Christ. And nobody much has written on it for about 80 years.

I got to read Meister Eckhart for the first time this week, and I read parts of Julian that were new to me. All great. I am so excited to take Mystical Theology next quarter! Although there is still a little voice inside telling me I should take a class that "counts" for my degree...but then I tell the voice that this is starting to feel like what I want to do with my life (some kind of spirituality/worship emphasis, probably outside the church's structures) so it would be helpful to know whether this path is one I'd like to take, and I figure why not learn from those who've trod before me?

I am super excited that my friend who is a spiritual director is offering a 10-week course in contemplation and spiritual formation next term (not through Fuller, but open to Fuller people, so if you are interested let me know and I'll get you a flyer). This is so exactly what I need right now!! I really feel like God laid it on her heart to offer this b/c we seminary students need it so badly. Well she knows, she went to Fuller too. It's gonna be so good you guys. She even reduced the rate for us to $245 (which is $25 for 5 group seminars and $40 for three individual direction sessions). I'm psyched.

And tomorrow I'm going to the Getty to see the icons from Sinai again. I'm going to spend some time with them really praying through them instead of just looking this time. And I'm going to take my journal and sit in the garden for a good length of time. Sounds just perfect, doesn't it?

Then I have to come home and grade papers and write a sermon. Which actually shouldn't be all that difficult. I do love writing sermons - I love all the prep that goes into them, and of course the actual writing, and the rehearsals, and best of all the wonderful blessing of preaching. Oh God! I have missed it so much!! Thank God I get to do it again. Yay.

Anyway overall things are really nice, that nice post-busy-week time when you feel like you can stretch and breathe and enjoy a few days' rest. It will get busy again, but for now, the gentle cycle is on. Thanks be to God.

Reactions

Today's beautiful things:
1. I finished reading my 100 pages of Luther. I wouldn't say Luther himself is all that beautiful, but hey, I'm done and it's only 2:30. That means I still have half a Saturday left!
2. Playing with my friend's new kitten. Oh, we had such a great time last night. He's a total sweetie. His name is Krishna so I kept singing the Beatles "My Sweet Lord" to him, which he loves, and when I call him "Lord Krishna" he squeaks.
3. The support of friends, not least of whom are you guys.

So a couple things have transpired and I shall ruminate upon them. Oh, first, I have to tell a funny story. My prof has us reading all these translations that were done in the 50s and 60s so the language is a bit out of fashion. It's not quite like reading Shakespeare, but occasionally very funny. Like when Luther said he didn't "give a fig" about something, and then another place where they used the phrase "jot and tittle" which always sends me into ridiculous giggling. But we got curious about jot and tittle, especially because it's used in some Bible translations in Matthew 5:18 when Jesus says not one "jot and tittle" of the law will pass away. So then I had to look it up in Greek, which says "iota and keraia." Out came the BDAG (that's a lexicon for those of you stinkers who don't have to take Greek) and we discovered that keraia is a serif, like the little extra lines put on letters. And "tittle" is the same thing (we have an ancient dictionary too). Iota was the smallest letter (just a little line), so it's essentially a jot. So how about that!

Hey it gave me a break from Luther for a good 10 minutes.

Anyway, I wanted to report on the GLBT group and the clothing exchange. Let's do the good news first: people showed up to the group last night. Only 3, but it was a start. They were all people who already believe like we do on this issue, so it wasn't as interesting a conversation as it might have been. Regardless, it was nice to chat. Everyone had stories to tell and I imagine there are many more around campus. My friend and I have a dream that this might be the beginning of a "GLBT concerns committee" at Fuller. Maybe 10 years from now it will be a full-on accepted group. Who knows? Everything has to start somewhere.

Mostly we talked about what to do next. We are thinking of digging into the biblical texts that people use to clobber homosexuals, perhaps using Countryman's Dirt Greed & Sex. We are also considering putting together an information packet for our fellow students that explains that people who are on board with ordination/marriage for gays and lesbians can in fact actually be creedal Christians with a high view of the authority of Scripture. I don't care if they agree with me, but I am tired of it being assumed I've thrown out the Bible. Just realize that I love the Bible as much as anybody and my position is scriptural, not anti-so, to me.

So I am encouraged. I think it might be interesting to just post some signs around campus that say "GLBT: Let's Talk About It" with an anonymous email address. Maybe we'll find some more interested people that way. I know there are gay people at Fuller (it's kind of a don't ask don't tell policy, with I think a stipulation of "don't act or you're kicked out"). I hope we can support them. But yeah, none of us really knows what would happen if there were an openly out student. We're all curious.

And then this morning I went to the clothing exchange, and it was about what I expected it to be. Mostly I took home the stuff I'd brought. I didn't find anything I liked better. I took home a lot less than I had donated, but I did find a nice pair of pants, a sweater, and pajama pants (I had taken in 12 pieces of clothing). I took in 16 accessories but only found about 6 to take home (in that dept, though, the good stuff was just gone. I'd seen what I wanted the day before but missed it). And I took home the same 2 pairs of shoes I'd brought.

It did make me feel pretty depressed though. For one thing, the stuff was arranged by size in different rooms so it was pretty lonely back in the L's. And it was all old lady clothes! Ugh! All the cute stuff was in the "S" room. The L stuff was my mom's style. I guess I'm the size of a 60 year old. I guess that's when we're finally allowed to "let ourselves go."

I did check out the maternity in the hopes of finding something cute but it was pretty picked over (we have no shortage of growing bellies around campus).

What we do seem to have a drastic shortage of, however, is breasts. I don't get it. Doesn't anybody realize that women are actually supposed to be busty? They make clothes that are in no way designed for a gal with a rack. So you wind up buying too big and looking frumpy or buying your size and looking like a whore. At least I can take comfort in having a chest, although that seems to have become less important than it was in, say, junior high.

I tried on a lot more than I took. The trying on was miserable. These jeans said they were a 15 and wouldn't go up my thighs. I do not understand. Jeans are like the worst invention ever. They only look good on women who are shaped like teenage boys (or rather, lack of shaped)!! I once read that high fashion clothes are for skinny women b/c they are designed by gay men who find male forms sexy, so they create clothes for women, supposedly that look sexy, that are actually designed for boys. I don't mean to imply gay designers are pedophiliacs, but there is some resonance when you look at the catwalk...no boobs, no hips, flat and basically paper doll cutout women.

I'm pleased that Spain is making it a law that mannequins have to be what in America is a size 8. That's the size I was for a very long time. It would have been nice to have seen that size in store windows. Instead, when I was an 8 and 10 for several years, I thought I was horribly fat. Now I'd do an awful lot to be that size again.

Anyway, the exchange thing didn't work out too well. It was disappointing and just confirmed my fears that I am bigger than most women and/or there are no cute clothes for people shaped like me. Bummer.

I did, however, restrain myself from screaming at the stick-thin chick rifling through the larges. I wanted to yell, "Get out of here! You don't get to take the only cute stuff in my size! Get thee to the X-tra Small!"

I think that deserves a big pat on my big back. :)

I'm a dummy

A weird thing happened today. About six policemen showed up at my apartment complex and they were in their bulletproof vests and had big guns, the whole nine yards. I saw that they were banging on my friend's door and yelling for her to come out, threatening to knock down the door. My friend is a single woman in her early 20's and a fellow Fuller student (I knew something was wrong). I didn't know if she was home and scared or just not there. But when they started pulling guns I ran outside and yelled, "What are you doing!?" and that it was my friend's house and she's a single girl and if she's home probably scared to death. Well they yelled at me not to move and got very threatening. I kept saying something was wrong, and I was ready to run up and grab any fleeing cats if they kicked down the door. My manager was downstairs and motioned for me to come over. He told me they had a federal warrant and to stop it. I told him there was a mistake. Well lo and behold, he goes away and next thing I know the cops are heading for a different apartment to start over the banging and the yelling! I mean, how idiotic!! And I think it was the manager's fault, but I can't be sure. They seemed pissed at him. They told me later they try to avoid that happening (obviously). Fortunately, I called my friend and she hadn't been home at all.

They did wind up taking away a guy who's been in and out of another friend's apartment (this woman, also single, is a law student at USC and also someone I'd never imagine to be in trouble). I know she has a boyfriend who lives out of town and a brother who lives locally, so perhaps it was him. I don't know why anybody else would be in her place - she wasn't home. She's our catsitter, but I don't know her well enough to guess what's up. I thought about calling her to tell her what was happening (I have her cell) but then I realized that if she was in trouble and took off, I'd be an accessory to that and that is probably not good. I would have gone to jail to protect my other friend, because I know her well enough to know it wasn't her they were after. My guess is they only knew it was a guy at a single girl's place so the manager guessed, since they live next door to each other and both frequently have boyfriends/brothers over (although my friend's boyfriend is in the Air Force so it would have been really hysterical if they'd tried to arrest him!).

It wasn't until several minutes later that I realized how incredibly stupid I'd been. These officers were pumped and had guns drawn. I could easily have been shot or arrested. But I swear, I'm just a total ignoramus when it comes to these things! I've never been around police when it wasn't either a noise complaint or a cat stuck in a tree. It never occurred to me that it might be dangerous (for myself or the officers) to distract them. I now feel like a certifiable idiot. I've definitely learned a lesson about trying to butt into situations where police are involved. There are just some times in life when you can't reason with people or protest with your own knowledge or logic. There are times when they have the power and you better hush up. Hopefully I'll be smarter next time. Hopefully there won't be a next time! I was shaky with adrenaline and fear for an hour. Not fun.

Body image issues

Today we're going to talk body image. Because mine ain't so hot and it's on my mind. First I will say some beautiful things: 1. my walk over here was invigorating. 2. I ate mexican last night-yum and 3. my hair feels so nice after a few days back on Pantene (I've been trying to use all natural shampoos but they make my hair dull and flat. Fortunately Pantene doesn't have parabens so I'm using it).

So my school is doing a clothing exchange, which is a really great idea. The women bring clothes they are tired of and get credits for them, and then they come back the next day and pick stuff from what others have brought. It's a nice way to get "new" clothes for free. I really think it's a lovely thing to offer.

But as I was thinking about participating, I realized I'd probably finally get rid of my skinny clothes (having given up on fitting in them ever again) so they'd probably be picked up happily by someone else. However, I began to wonder if I would be able to find anything for my credits. You see, most girls around here look to be about a size 4-8, maybe a few 10s. Those who are in my size range are few and far between (there are also several plus size ladies, but I'm in this weird in-between range) (where, incidentally, most of the Midwest lives - when I go back there, I'm downright svelte).

I'm now really thinking about this clothing exchange thing. It's sponsored by our women's concerns group, and I realized it's actually bringing up some pretty serious issues for me as a woman. You see, a clothing exchange is really a fun idea for a girl who's a size 4 - she's not ashamed to bring in her tiny little outfits, and she'll find plenty that works for her. But for a size 14 woman, it's a different story. She may bring in stuff in the 10-12 range that no longer fits, and that will work for a lot of other people. But will she find anything for herself? Or will she leave, humiliated, like happens so often when trying to find clothes at the mall?

It's funny, this was actually the topic of King of the Hill on Sunday. Peggy and friends were exchanging but nobody wanted Peggy's stuff because it was too big (shoes - there's a running joke about her giant feet) or just ugly. She wound up exchanging with drag queens, the only people interested in her castoffs.

The show made a nice point about strong women. But now that it's happening in real life, it doesn't seem to have such a happy ending. I was mostly just feeling annoyed by the whole thing and then I sat down on my couch and suddenly started crying. I was trying to pray and I couldn't help these sobs from rising. It's like I could feel my self-esteem going down, down, down.

Those of you who know me in person know that I hide my weight fairly well. Usually people think I weigh a lot less than I do. And I don't look obese, but the doctors tell me I am - dangerously so. They aren't comparing me to anybody, they are just telling me that my body is not created to handle what I've put on it. I mostly look frumpy these days - fat rolly and my face is round. I used to be really pretty - I love to look at my old pictures with my skinny arms and fat that doesn't start until my abdomen (instead of right under my boobs) and my face that has actual definition. It's hard. And stupid seminary did this to me! Grrr.

It's true. We all handle this stress differently. Some of my friends break out. I get - got - fat. And to fix it I need money I don't have (money to join a gym, and to buy expensive fish and veggies to eat instead of what I can afford). It's really true that the poor have to buy less healthy food! I need to exercise harder than I am able to right now - I walk most everywhere and I do some situps and pushups at home, but it makes no impact whatsoever on my body. I also eat as healthily as I can, at least not putting chemicals or corn syrup in me, but no matter how much I diet (and I've tried a lot) it makes no difference either. I could probably lose weight with a personal trainer and/or a diet program. But I don't feel I can spare the money for them. So I am fat because I'm poor.

At any rate, I dream that I won't always be this size and someday I'll fit back in the clothes I love. So maybe I shouldn't give them away anyway. I'm tired of these size 16 jeans. I have to wear them every day because although 14 is what fits, only 16s don't make my fat bulge out. The 16s fall off me (I have to wear long shirts because they are usually hanging around halfway down my butt, ghetto-style) but the others make me cringe when I look at myself. It would help if somebody would make a shirt that wasn't so darn skin-tight!

I don't know if I'll participate in this thing or not. I think it could really send my body image into a tailspin. I actually think it might have been good for them to post size recommendations, so those who are super skinny (stress does that, too) or "above average" don't waste our time or give up stuff for nothing.

I dunno. What do you think? Are these exchanges a good idea? I guess on a huge scale there's a better chance of finding stuff. But on a smaller scale, you can control sizes better (e.g. I get together with 3 girlfriends whom I know are my size or similar and we swap). It could be fun - it will be for most - but it could also be frustrating. And I guess it's brought up stuff that's inside me, because I just cried my little eyes out and told God how ugly I feel. Blech. I guess being smart can't make you feel great every day. Then again, being loved by God should. So I will try to focus on that. Of course this isn't important in the grand scheme of things. But it just comes up when you're faced with such a situation, you know?

Three Beautiful Things on a rainy day

1. The rain has been pouring while I'm inside...and stopping every time I've needed to walk somewhere.

2. I'm nearly finished with the Galatians paper...will be done today I think. Today's lecture helped tremendously in that I learned that a guy who just finished his dissertation on Gal 3:28 agrees with me that the verse has nothing to do with individual freedom and everything to do with corporate identity.

3. My friend is giving the GLBT discussion group another try. So check it out. Friday night, 7 pm, email me for directions. All you peeps who said you couldn't make it last time, hope you can this time.

4. Aw, why not throw another in here? Thursdays' Eucharists have been going really well (although attendance dropped dramatically last week, probably due to midterms). The next two weeks we'll be sans priest, so we're just doing evening prayer, and me & my new buddy Andy (a candidate from diocese of Philadelphia) will be leading. Woo-hoo!

Been busy then I cracked my head

Sorry I haven't been writing, I've been letting my Galatians paper take over my life. But now after more hours that I want to admit (think in terms of days, not hours, actually) I feel like it's in pretty decent shape. I even found a neat structural thing that my prof said she hadn't noticed before. Usually that means she tells the whole class I'm wrong, but I'm crossing my fingers that I won't be humiliated again. Wish me luck!

Meantime, I can't spend long b/c I haven't checked email in days and I need to not be on the computer long. Why? Glad you asked. Two reasons, actually. Internet at home has been not working, and I don't like to walk over to the Library. Reason #2 is not as pretty: Saturday night, in the act of something that one really doesn't want ruined, J and I cracked heads really hard. I went into increasing levels of pain and dizziness for the rest of the night, and the dizziness and headache lasted all day the following day also. Today it's been 2 days and I seem to not be hurting so much unless I concentrate too hard for too long or walk around too much, which gets me dizzy again. Yes, I know, I probably had a concussion. Can you believe my husband's hard head did that to me? But I'm sure it's not nearly the silliest or worst thing that's ever happened to a couple mid-coitus (I mean, people actually DIE). It does tend to ruin the mood, however.

So last night I tried reading but had to read every line 3 times and had a raging headache after 4 pages. This is NOT good. It's midterms, people. I can't be running around with brain bruises. So pray for my poor little head. At this point I'm just very sore, occasionally dizzy, and super sleepy. But I managed to work on my paper and do some translating today, and I'm telling stupid jokes as always, so I haven't lost it. Still I want to feel better.

More Wisdom from the Golden-Mouthed

"More billows toss the priest's soul than the gales which trouble the sea.

"First of all there is the dreadful rock of vainglory...If anyone entrusted this charge to me, he would be as good as binding my hands behind my back and delivering me to the wild beasts that inhabit that rock, to savage me every day. And what are those beasts? Anger, dejection, envy, strife, slanders, accusations, lying, hypocrisy, intrigue, imprecations against those who have done no harm, delight at disgraceful behaviour in fellow priests, sorrow at their successes, love of praise, greed for preferment (which more than anything else hurls the human soul to destruction), teaching meant to please, slavish wheedling, ignoble flattery, contempt for the poor, fawning on the rich, absurd honours and harmful favours which endanger giver and receiver alike, servile fear fit only for the meanest of slaves, restraint of plain speaking, much pretended and no real humility, failure to scrutinize and rebuke, or, more likely, doing so beyond reason with the humble while no one dares so much as to open his lips against those who wield power.
...
"The priestly office might well accuse us of not handling it rightly. It is not itself the cause of the evils I have mentioned. It is we on our part who have smirched it with stain upon stain, by entrusting it to commonplace men. And they eagerly accept what is offered to them, without first examining their own souls or considering the gravity of the matter. And when they come to exercise this ministry, their eyes are blinded with inexperience and they fill the congregations entrusted to them with a thousand and one troubles."

St. John goes on to say that instead of being a head of a church, God has kept him as a foot, which is where he belongs! (of course he didn't stay a foot forever...or maybe he did, even as his preaching has inspired many generations)

Well I don't know about you, but I've seen all of this. And it certainly gives me pause about considering priesthood.

(Translation is by Graham Neville, St. Vlad's press, 1984)

A thought for today (and infinitely beautiful things)

When you see the Lord sacrificed and lying before you, and the High Priest standing over the sacrifice and praying, and all who partake being tinctured with that precious blood, can you think that you are still among men and still standing on earth? Are you not at once transported to heaven, and, having driven out of your soul every carnal thought, do you not with soul naked and mind pure look round upon heavenly things? Oh, the wonder of it! Oh, the loving-kindness of God to men! He who sits above with the Father is at that moment held in our hands, and gives himself to those who wish to clasp and embrace him!

- St. John Chrysostom, On Priesthood

Recent obsessions

Today's beautiful things consist of:

1. A generally lovely day overall. Really! It's been nothing but pleasant. Of course the weather is wonderful, but people have been nice and I've made a couple new friends.
2. I went to my first reflection group on my internship, and wouldn't you know, we talked the whole time about worship in the youth context! I couldn't have been more interested. It was a great conversation. And it was so incredibly wonderful that I could take all this stuff I've learned in all my worship classes, and not least from the papers I've graded (and have been grading this week), and actually put it to some practical advice for others. What a delight.
3. Learning more and more about who I am and how I relate to others.

You see, since I got on this self-discovery kick (which I learned, by the way, is characteristic of my personality - to be fascinating with learning about my own identity), so much has become clearer. Especially in my relationship with J. There are so many things that we do and say to one another, been doing it for years, and now I suddenly understand why.

I was blabbing on about my blue aura and trying to get him to take a test, but he was resistant to my spiritual nonsense (did I mention I recently retook Beliefnet's Belief-o-Matic and came out 100% Mahayana Buddhist? See what seminary does to you?). Turns out my blue aura makes me extra mystical, to the annoyance of others. Anyway, he asked me to take a "real" test with results he could understand. So he set before me the Myers-Briggs.

And I turned out to be an ENFJ, borderline ENFP (only 2 questions difference). The Platonic name for these types is Idealist, with subcategories of "Teacher" (J) and "Champion" (P). Essentially, both are inspirational and charismatic, and the former likes to use it to educate and create whole persons (sounds like our College House idea!) and the latter is essentially an activist. The main difference I could see in the questions is that J's are schedulers and P's are not. So I guess Teachers are more organized than Champions. But I think the world would get better even faster with a few more organized activists!

J studied this stuff for one of his classes and he has other classifications they fit also. In addition to being a Teacher/Champion, I'm also most like the Gospel of John, the Tin Man, and Carrie from Sex and the City. Which all sound just about right.

So I'm a person who connects through words. Big shocker, huh? And I talk with my hands, trying to drive the words between me & others. I'm spiritual and base my opinions more strongly on my own experience than data. I lead with my feelings and am super emotional. Yep, pretty much all spot-on. And, there aren't many of me...only 2-3% of people. Maybe that's why so many people think I'm a dork when I talk so much. I'm not trying to dominate, I'm simply trying to make connections! And I found out that I always want to comment on something that a story reminds me of because that is how I connect my heart and story to the other persons'. Makes perfect sense. I do that constantly. J used to say it was a sign I was self-absorbed. But in reality, it's my way of being less self-absorbed because I'm using it as a way to show the other person that I'm like them, so I'm a safe person to share themselves with.

Speaking of J, on the other hand, he's an INTJ, a Rationalist, also known as a MasterMind. No, I'm not making that up. And he's also Gospel of Luke, Straw Man, and Miranda. Yep, that's my boy.

Turns out that Rationals and Idealists make perfect mates. Who'da thought? And MasterMinds and Champions are even more perfectly suited. Wow, we lucked out.

But it's great, because now when he tells me to hush, I realize he's just trying to be efficient in his work (Rationalist trait). And when he needs personal space, or doesn't want my advice, I know it's because he's autonomous and thinks I'm threatening his autonomy. Conversely, I will overemphasize his opinion of me because I pull my self-worth from others' thoughts on me (and their comments especially; remember, I'm deeply attuned to words).

At any rate, things are much more fun around our house now, because we can point out all the little personality quirks that have suddenly become - instead of threatening or fights - habits and mannerisms that make us laugh together. God bless the people who come up with these tests!

Sunday morning quickie

1. When you're grading and you come to that one student who actually did everything right and seemed to care and learn something...ah, that's a beautiful thing.
2. John's laugh.
3. Girlfriends. For the first time in God knows how long I went out with an actual group of girls (usually I do friends one-on-one) (get your mind out of the gutter). And it was pretty darn fun. It was an interesting mix of personalities. At one point we got into a long discussion about auras. So this morning I went on several websites to check out my aura, and interestingly, they all agreed that I'm blue. So here are my results:

Your Aura is Blue

Your Personality: Your natural warmth and intuition nurtures those around you. You are accepting and always follow your heart. You in Love: Relationships are your top priority, and this includes love. You are most happy when you are serious with someone. Your Career: You need to help others in your job to feel satistifed. You would be a great nurse, psychologist, or counselor.

What Color Is Your Aura?

Okay, maybe I cheated a tiny bit a made myself more caring than I actually am. But in fact, I do find myself much more drawn to a counseling or spiritual direction life than anything else right now. I think I'm valuing relationships more than I ever have because I've noticed how much they feed my soul. I read this and think it's kind of funny...it's not the person I remember being, but it is the person I want to be (and am perhaps growing into).

I wonder what color I'd have been before entering seminary? I have changed so much.

A few random thoughts

1. Cat on my lap, purring
2. Coming home to lunch all made (homemade falafel and tzazaki however you spell it)
3. Today it is warmer. I'm very happy for my homeless friends.

I never mentioned that nobody showed up to the movie & discussion on GLBT Christians last week (the movie was on Orthodox Jews, but the discussion was to be about our religion). My friend who was hosting was very sad. I was not surprised, though. I was more surprised that anybody had shown interest in the first place. This is simply not something Fuller people are ready to deal with. Oh, sure, it comes up occasionally in class (came up today in Galatians), and often (not today) big fights start. But it's not something most people are even willing to talk about. There's definitely an unspoken understanding that everybody agrees it's just not right, and if you are one of the few defenders, you are biblically/theologically confused and you keep your mouth shut. If you appeal to love or kindness, everyone agrees that they love and are kind and have no problem with it. Or they tell you you are ignoring the Bible in favor of your feelings. But usually it's the former. And then they act like it's perfectly loving and kind to believe a person is never able to have a loving committed relationship in this life but only platonic ones, because he or she likes the wrong gender "that way." Which most of my gay friends would say isn't the way they want to live, nor be thought of. And they don't want to be thought of as sinful for their orientation either. But that is so incredibly difficult to prove. It's so much more something that must be lived, and I truly do believe the Spirit of God works in peoples' hearts to change their minds and until she's ready to do that (and the person is ready for it) we can't push it. I know because I know what it took to convince me and what it took to convince J. I can never go back, but I know how they feel. And I'm not patronizing towards others, I hope, I just know what I have witnessed and what has been testified to me, and I have found the evidence that questions traditional understanding of scripture, and it's all been enough for me. But that's just me.

At any rate, it was too soon to try such a thing. And it's sad. I'm sure most people stayed home and watched TV or did homework (I know I was tempted to do that myself). Most of us are happier turning off our mind to things that are not in front of our faces. It seems important, yet it's off there in the "liberal" churches, so it's kind of remote to most Fullerites. That is, it will be, until they are faced with it, which they will be, because there are gay people in every church in America.

Then I'm sitting in my prof's office the other day with a group of students and a woman is commenting on a recent Robin Williams performance, and she says, "It was a good performance and he didn't use a lot of language or anything, but (sigh) he was homosexual" (which she said with a "isn't it so sad" kind of tone) "and I just don't get why they have to put that stuff in movies."

Ummm...maybe because gay people actually exist? Therefore warrant portrayal in a normal story just like they are in our normal everyday lives?

I guess she took this character being gay as evidence of the continued depravity of Hollywood. “Rated R for mild language, some nudity, and a gay guy.” Sheesh.

Well my connection is acting funny so I'm going to publish before I lose all this. Cheers.

Oops, I missed a couple weeks I guess

Because I showed up to chapel today and it was Good Friday! Wow, who knew? Yep, big ol' cross up front, all music re: cross/death, and an opportunity to "pass by" (heavens, don't say "venerate!") the cross at the end. I've harped on this before, so I won't retrace my steps. But geez, I'm just getting used to the revelation of God in Jesus through the various miracles of Epiphany and they want to hit me with the end of his life (not unlike the apostle's creed, actually, when Jesus is summed as born and died). My internal clock is all screwy now. The whole thing felt so weird and out of place.

Anyway, here are three beautiful things for today:
1) One paper is finished, leaving only 5 for the rest of the quarter (total for both classes). Excellent.
2) It's finally cooled down in LA. I was tempted to complain about the cold but then I remembered how much I hated it being 90 degrees last month, so I am indeed happier now. Still I do miss our temperate climate, which seems to have gone bye bye.
3) Galatians yesterday. After I had gotten all confident and switched back to taking it for a grade, I found myself called on and feelin' stupid last Thursday. I was really bad. And I felt so on display. I know we all feel that way. I told J it's like 2 hours of sheer terror in that class, and he said that I should just pretend it's a horror movie (I guess I'm the star), since I like horror now. Fine, but I don't want to watch 2 horror movies a week for 10 weeks in a row! I mentioned it to my seat neighbor yesterday and she agreed: your heart is pounding, your adrenaline is pumping, you are terrified to be called on next. Ah, the fun of oral examination of translation!

BUT, yesterday the prof announced that she was frustrated that we spend so much time translating that we never talk about the actual text (THANK YOU) and so she was considering having us only translate every other passage, and in the interims just write a list of questions that come up from our study. Praise the Lord. She had to ask if anybody would be upset, though, because it would be going against the syllabus for the class. Oh, yeah, cry me a river. I think we'll all be fine!

Then, I did get called on, but I read out my translation and she just said, "Good. Next." And that was it! No parsing, no questioning. Wow. I mean, it wasn't like I was so awesome, it was because we were running out of time. But I was the only person that got that reaction. So class began feeling more like a light romantic comedy than a horror flick, and that is A Beautiful Thing!

I really did deserve a break. That translation (Gal 2:1-10) took me 6 hours on Monday. It was miserable. Today I just have 4 to do. Whew. It's such an interesting book - there's so much going on. And a lot that we simply don't have answers for, but can raise such intriguing questions. I'm actually looking forward to my exegetical paper. Esp because I get to write on the "no male nor female, Jew nor Greek" verse.

But tomorrow's text will be about food, and that's also fun. I need to get on writing my food book before somebody else does. Well I'm sure someone will beat me to it, esp since it's such a popular topic right now. But I have such a great idea for a kind of "Savoring Spirituality" text that would look at many aspects of the spiritual life through the metaphor (or more often literal partaking) of food. I can get into fellowship, and worship, and how we choose what to eat, and whether eating industrial/organic/sustainable harms or helps us spiritually, and how food is used in ritual, and food as fuel vs. gift/creation, and how it is a way to be a priest before God...there's just a whole lotta ideas in my head. I got to get them out there.

Now about the house thing, we've been doing research and there's a wonderful website from a guy who's headed up houses at Harvard I think: http://collegiateway.org/. It has a ton of great resources, including lists of schools around the world that have colleges (in the British sense of the term). J and I want to do something like it, but much smaller - less of a college and more of a house (in the Harry Potter sense of the term). Still, many of the ideas are helpful. And it's also great to see that Messiah College's alumni are gunning for a house system - more Christian colleges need to be doing this! And we can lead the charge.

We want to do away with dorms at Christian colleges and turn them into communities of Houses that provide fellowship, academic support, and most importantly, spiritual direction and opportunities for worship. Universities should not be diploma factories - that's what U Phoenix & DeVry are for! A great school should be a place where character is formed, where adults - world citizens - are made. And wouldn't it be awesome if Christian colleges did this first, instead of lagging 20 years behind a secular movement (that seems to be building)? I mean, we are after all pretty great at community, when we set our minds to it. I think it's just a wonderful calling. Something I could really get my entire life behind.

Plus when we cook and eat together we celebrate the spiritual aspects of food. Had to get that in there. :)

Finally I must mention a couple movies I saw. First, Pan's Labyrinth, which is an interesting film but not at all what the trailers seem to portray. I saw the trailer again recently and thought: dang, I really want to see that movie! But Pan is primarily about the real world, which is a decent enough historical story (extremely violent), but not what I thought I was getting. I was expecting a cool fantasy film. Pretty much the entire fantasy is shown in the trailer. So just be warned - you're not watching the story from the preview. It doesn't make the film bad, it's just misleading. And it wasn't all that fabulous anyway. I'm told I'll prefer The Fountain but oops we missed it.

The other that I do highly recommend is Children of Men. I'm going to tell you about why it's wonderful, but be warned, there are spoilers. So if you want to go in fresh, don't read this, just trust me and go try it out and read this after.

Imagine a world in which humanity has lost hope, and has turned on one another in violence and oppression. There is an empire that is suspicious of foreigners and mistreats them, and tries to protect its citizens but there are multiple uprisings. In all this there are people dreaming of the one thing that could solve it all: a child to be born, who would bring peace and restore order. The miracle they are waiting for happens and a young pregnant girl turns up. Some want to take over in a coup and steal the child for their political purposes. Others simply want to protect the child and the mother, including a man who is not the father but who risks everything for her. The baby comes in truly humble circumstances and must be hidden away from the government and interest groups. But when the baby comes, the violent, loud, harsh world quiets for just a few incredible moments (while John Tavener's prayer plays, no less) and all are awed by the birth of this one who means the future has finally arrived, and hope is again possible.

Sounds familiar, huh?

Yeah, it's worth seeing.

Worship (huh...what is it good for?)

3BT: 1. clouds in LA - rare and powerful. 2. last night's sunset - the one good result of smog is our neon sky. 3. my reading this morning on Mary Slessor, which ended with a prayer from which I took three phrases to meditate upon: may we not be discouraged or despair, may I be an instrument of God's will, give me grace to discern my call. Indeed.

Last night I read Anselm's Prologion. Now I can't say I much agree with Anselm about anything, particularly his attempts to squeeze God into a Neo-Platonic Classical Theism model (it's just so not the God of the Bible!). But I will say that it was incredibly beautiful to read. And it's kind of amazing and sad to me that we've gone from this:

Now then, little man, for a short while fly from your business; hide yourself for a moment from your turbulent thoughts. Break off now your troublesome cares, and think less of your laborious occupations. Make a little time for God, and rest for a while in him. Enter into the chamber of your mind, shut out everything but God and whatever helps you to seek him, and, when you have shut the door, seek him. Speak now, O my whole heart, speak now to God: "I seek thy face; thy face, Lord, do I desire."
And do thou, O Lord my God, teach my heart where and how to seek thee, where and how to find thee....I was made in order to see thee, and I have not yet done that for which I was made....
I pray, O God, that I may know thee, that I may love thee, so that I may rejoice in thee. And if I cannot do this to the full in this life, at least let me go forward from day to day until that joy comes to fullness. Let the knowledge of thee go forward in me here, and there let it be made full. Let love for thee increase, and there let it be full, so that here my joy may be great in hope, and there it may be full in reality....Meanwhile, let my mind meditate upon it, let my tongue speak of it. Let my heart love it, let my tongue discourse upon it. Let my soul hunger for it, let my flesh thirst for it, let my whole substance desire it, until I enter "into the joy" of my Lord, who is the triune and one God, blessed forever. Amen.

To this.

Gee, what a difference a thousand years makes.

Last night I read a Worship Leader magazine, after Proslogion. It's just not fair to poor Chuck Fromm and his mag, to follow up such a class act. But less than the articles (which I ignored) I was pretty much intrigued and horrified by the advertising. There's just an industry for everything these days. There's a company that will do all your setup if you church in a temporary space. There's software that lets you do virtual environments to get your space setup (John and I were joking that it was worship SIMS. You add another guitarist and...wow! 5 more people got saved!). There are all these things to buy to help you lead worship better: software, services, books, cds.

It's the Worship Industry. And I thought I was offended by Industrial Food.

Well I guess all things must become factory-ized in our day. It's just what we're used to. If it's not a commodity, we don't know how to relate. But the Holy Spirit can't be a commodity. You can't buy her or sell her or find software that will guarantee she shows up. And you know what's funny? I've felt the Spirit's presence most strongly pretty much always in places where the technology is minimal. I know that lots of people will disagree and say their screens and synthesizers (or music from a cd playing on the car stereo) and powerpoint sermons offer them true worship. But when I've been to those churches, and tried to worship, I've been distracted, or felt like I'm being entertained or just watching TV, or felt marketed to, or if I'm really getting into the music, I realize I'm just enjoying it on the level of any other concert. Sure, God can speak through a concert. But shouldn't church be more?

Anyway, I am spiteful towards this magazine and I know it, and I have to ask forgiveness for that. But I just hate worship being a commodity. I don't ever want to buy and sell God-experience. I guess that's why I've retreated to the Episcopal church! (although even my home church is now hosting Willow Creek style conferences complete with Southern Baptist leaders - ewwwwwww *shiver*)

Three Beautiful Things for today

1) So yesterday I noticed that my leg hair is finally so long that I can feel the breeze blowing it around. I know, it's gross to think about, but it's actually a really funny feeling. It kind of tickles. I like it.

2) My manager gave me a $20 bill and an apology sticky note, complete with happy face. I'm so pleased.

3) Last night I found out about a really cool project PBS is doing. It's called "The Calling" and it is a documentary following students who are planning to be religious leaders in some capacity. They are filming at a Jewish, Catholic, and Muslim seminary, and for Protestant they chose Fuller. So last night was the informational meeting for people who are curious about possibly being subjects. I have no idea what I'm doing with my life, nor if I'll ever be a "leader" per se, but for some reason it sounds really appealing to me. Maybe it's just my latent actress who never got her day. But I think it's more that I believe I'm different from your run-of-the-mill pastor type who's all Christianese and vision and evangelism (I wonder how many conversion attempts will be made on the filmmakers?). I don't know who I will be, sure, but I know I'm good at things that people generally consider leadership potential; I know that a few hundred people think my life is interesting enough to read about it on a regular basis. It's almost like an extension of Feminary, you know? Like Feminary Live and In Person. It would be fun, huh?

So I don't know if that's a beautiful thing or what, but it's an opportunity that excites me. I wish they could have been around this past fall, though - what a train wreck that was! But so much drama, all surrounding my questioning of my call. Now I'm in rehab mode but seeking a deeper listening to the movement of God in my life. I want to notice beautiful things so I see where God shows up in my daily life. I want to keep hearing from you when you see something in me - a gift, a passion, even a reticence. You never know where God will work. I think She wants me to go to a deeper level of commitment - not only to Her work and people, but to myself. To finding where I fit in this grand Kingdom scheme. I could say it's a shame it's all taking so long, but in the grand timeline of eternity, I think I'm doing rather well for my age.

Peace, out.

So many beautiful things

Yesterday I forgot to include 3 beautiful things in my post, so I will do 6 today. Not because I necessarily feel like it (our Christmas tree, one of the remaining items not stolen, was thrown away by our manager to make room for his rowing machine outside our back room - what a guy), but I do think it will be a uniquely good exercise for the state of mind I'm in. I need to shift my thinking dramatically so I can be in a proper mode to fully appreciate my history reading (usually a great pleasure) and later attend a dinner. SO, here goes, 6 beautiful things.

1) A tiny patch of grass growing up through the sidewalk outside the library. It's so perfectly green and so gutsy to have grown there. I hope it doesn't get pesticide-ded.

2) High for Jan 9: 82 degrees.

3) Sitting in Galatians today and realizing that I knew as much, or more, than most everyone around me, even people who've had Greek much more recently. Turns out, smarts and (very) hard (long) work pay off when you're asked to read and translate live. And I actually cared so much about the discussion I couldn't shut up, which was largely helped by actually reading all the commentary. Turns out, once you get over the crap of translation, this stuff can be pretty fun. I felt so good I switched the class back to a grade instead of pass/fail.

4) TWO, count 'em, two free pizza meals in one day. Thank you Brehm Center for lunch and dinner will be some kind of meeting about a PBS show to be filmed at Fuller, or using Fuller people, or something - I'll let you know. I'm intrigued. Maybe I can be the token liberal.

5) Souad Massi's voice.

6) Seeing my liturgy nerd friends again. Ah, how I miss our attention to stupid details. And especially our stupid jokes.

OH, I almost forgot the most important one. I told someone about our idea to have a house near a college campus where we offer a monastic-style life to a few students. John will do the academic side - salons & guest speakers, studying books together, and reading papers/projects in progress for one another weekly - and I will do the spiritual side - daily offices, counseling, prayer practices, bible study, and so on. It's our dream. And I told someone today and she was so excited and really understood our vision. She was very encouraging with practical suggestions for fundraising and models we should look into. It felt great to meet someone who has done similar work (her house was for women in transition) and seen it succeed, and for her to think our idea is actually good and would be attractive to supporters, students, and parents alike (she thinks we'd have a waiting list).

So that's a very beautiful thing. Ah, my anger has dissipated. Thank you Lord.

Upcoming events

First I have to mention why I titled my last post as I did. I realized I forgot to write the story behind it and I later thought, "I'll bet that seems pretty obtuse." But really it's not. It refers to an experience during my retreat on Saturday.

I was sitting on a couch, journaling and minding my own business, when I glanced over and happened to see a giant spider on a nearby piece of furniture. Close enough to be a problem. See, I am arachnophobic - certifiably. I have uncontrollable hyperventilation if I don't remove myself from the view of the spider. So I got up quickly (did I mention this guy had looong spindley legs, probably a couple inches long?) and moved across the room. I liked the room and didn't want to leave. But I was no longer completely comfortable and stole many glances over to watch the arachnid, who didn't move (probably was dead).

Then after a little while I was still journaling and something caught my other eye. This time it was a kitty, outside the glass door. It was peeking in at me. I'd earlier noticed cat food under the rector's desk; now I knew why. So I fed the little skittish cat and it was grateful.

Then I was thinking, how odd, that here in this time of prayer and waiting to hear from God, I would encounter these two creatures. One is the animal that strikes the deepest terror in me, even involuntary physical reactions of horror. The other is probably my favorite, most comforting animal, the one I most like to see and spend time with. I don't know if there's any significance to it all, but I found it interesting.

I did write in my journal about whether I see God right now more as a spider or a cat. I think it's been spider lately - I haven't been trusting and have been fearful. I haven't been comfortable nor felt safe. But the qualities of the cat - warmth, serenity, calm, peace, joy, and so on - are more the qualities I wish I could feel in the presence of God. Of course we can never be utterly at ease before the Holy One. I don't want God to be safe (actually, cats aren't safe, as my many scars will attest - many given accidentally when trying to love me!). But I want to feel comforted and happy to see Her.

Well, I promised upcoming events and I have two to mention that will be of interest to those of you at Fuller. Here ya go:

The St. Clive Society (the name we've chosen for the Episcopal/Anglican group at Fuller) is going to be offering to the wider campus community an opportunity for a weekly Eucharist together. Since many Fuller students do not take communion weekly at their churches, we thought this would be a lovely offering from our tradition. It is open to all faculty, students, staff, alumni, various & sundry hangers-on, and families. Hopefully we will eventually be adding a fellowship meal following the service of prayer and communion. I hope you will join us now & then as you are finding yourself needing a feeding. :)

We will launch the Anglican Holy Communion service, to be held weekly from 6.00pm till 7.00pm on Thursdays, this week (Thursday 11th January) in the conference room on the first floor of Carnell Hall (behind the Catalyst). You will be warmly welcome.The service will be open to all members of the Fuller Community who love the Lord and desire to meet around his table, irrespective of denominational affiliation.

Also I want to alert you that a small group of us are going to gather regularly this quarter to discuss issues surrounding homosexuality and the church. Our first meeting is also this Thursday, directly following the Eucharist service. It will be at the home of Mary Marjorie Bethea, who lives in my apartment complex (behind Pasadena's central library), about 5 mins walk from Fuller. We'll have tea & biscuits and will be watching a documentary entitled "Trembling Before G-d", which tells the stories of gay and lesbian orthodox Jews and their churches. It is well-balanced, informative, and moving. Following the film we'll have a discussion. The evening is planned to go from 7-9. If you want more info and need an address or directions, email me through my profile page.

Lots of nice stuff to do this week. Now I challenge you to not just sit in front of the Office & Earl (that's what VCRs are for!) but join me for one or both of these experiences!

The cat and the spider

Three beautiful things:

1) Pasadena's mountains when it is windy (they are shockingly close and clear).
2) Silence
3) a drop-by from my friend today

yes, I had a good ol' fashion drop by - no call, no warning, just a knock on the door. I love it! I used to do that a lot, it was the way we were raised. Then one fateful day someone told me "it's not a good time" and I suddenly realized that other people weren't raised to always let in a guest regardless of the state of the house or their own feelings. And in some ways that is good - I mean, it's awfully Stepford to expect to keep a constantly clean house and have lemonade and cookies on hand for anyone who may drop by (or worse, have a pig sty and offer nothing). But I so miss the spontenaity of the drop-by. So I am thrilled I got one today.

And from someone whom I don't see nearly often enough at that. And he brought a gift! I mean, how much better could it get?! Wait - it can - the gift was pie filling! Yeah, baby, a drop-by that leads to pie. I don't think there's much that can top that.

So happy Epiphany everyone. I had a half day silent retreat this morning. Those things always bring up a lot of crap - I was telling the leader that I always start emotional vomiting (but at the end I hadn't spit it out yet, so it was not feeling great). I wonder if I did silence and journaling more often if perhaps I could get past the initial self-judgement and pity party phase and into something a bit more substantial. Probably. I'm going to try it this year, I hope.

But one thing that is definitely true, that J's been telling me over and over, is that I am not happy. And I've been okay with being not happy. But I think I'm not okay with it anymore. I'm tired of being discontented. It's no fun. But the thing I'm discovering is I can't make it better - I can't get happy by just trying harder. No, but hopefully some other things will help, like I'm going to keep making myself think of beautiful things and I'm going to ponder the lack of control I have over anything in life. Most of what makes me unhappy is stuff I want more control over (school curriculum, money/bills, my body size, the future). Well I don't have control over it, nor many other things that I think I do. So I'm going to work on getting over that. And in the process perhaps I'll find that I'm getting happier.

I was very taken with our Taize song today, we did the one about "In God alone my soul can find rest and peace, in God, my peace and joy; only in God my soul can find its rest, find its rest and peace". And I was thinking, well, maybe I can't find joy yet, but if I can give over to rest and peace, then perhaps joy will follow. It's all in God. So our work is not to make ourselves restful or peaceful or joyful. Our work is to find God and be in God, and the rest will follow.

Oh, that's profound, isn't it. Go me. I gotta listen to myself more.

May this day be blessed and may the Theophany present itself anew in your life.

You know what sucks?

First I have to say three beautiful things, though...
1) my prof's wicked sense of humor
2) buttery shrimp scampi with a nice sauvingnon blanc
3) praying with john, even though we've only managed it once in the new year

Ok, that mushy stuff is out of the way. Now I can get to what sucks!
Online greeting cards! Man, they are so stupid! And while I'm at it, the ones in the stores are pretty much crap also! We went to Target recently and just about every card in a humor section was about alcohol or farting. Seriously. Get a life, people.
Also what sucks is Greek. I hate to say it, but I'm pretty much in hate with the whole language right now and especially with having to translate when I don't know what I'm doing. Blech. It took 3 and a half HOURS to translate NINE VERSES today. That sucks.
Also I think my reading so far sucks. I want to read Omnivore's Dilemma, not a Galatians commentary. But by the time I'm done with all my reading for school I'm too tired to read another word. Yuck and suck. Omnivore is so great, too - I'm reading all about grass now, a much nicer plant than corn, one I would much rather make up part of my ecosystem and food chain.

OK, that's all I can really think of at the moment. So that wasn't too bad.

I get to lead class tomorrow. I'm very excited. They're mine, all mine! No prof for miles! Ha ha ha ha ha ha!! Should be wicked fun.

It's harder than you think

I've really been thinking about Dave's assignment. I think part of what's got me so down or confused or whatever is that I'm no longer certain of my gifts. A lot of life has gone this way for me, though. I went to college convinced I'd be an actor, and then never got cast in a play my entire time. I came to Hollywood to try again and never actually tried. Then I went into development and discovered I was good at it...and unhappy. So I went to seminary. Which I have loved and still love. The only thing I know for sure that I am good at is school. So that PhD is looking more and more appealing, even though everyone tells me its useless without a few years' ministry experience (well...useless if I want to teach at a seminary. I guess if I became a writer or a scholar of religion in a non-practical field it wouldn't matter so much).

When I applied for the chapel position at Fuller, I thought I was matching my gifts exactly to an opportunity God was presenting. But the people in charge disagreed. And that about killed me. It certainly hasn't healed. That was when I realized that what I thought were my gifts may not be...or may not be wanted.

So this year, I did discernment, which was about helping me go deeper into this question. But I couldn't get at what the committee wanted and it was all too much to handle. I did the internship and found I really didn't like the things others thought I'd be great at. That I should have been great at. But I don't like them. Story of my life. Am I doomed to being perpetually dissatisfied? Am I just a malcontent - would anything make me happy?

Well, yes. Doing well in school makes me happy, as does spending time with my husband and friends, and writing, and reading. Helping people makes me happy. Taking walks and deep breaths. Watching movies. And watching the Trojans kick ass. :)

But yeah, this has been a tough time for me the last few months, because the things I thought were my gifts seem to not be. And the person I thought I was - or others thought I was - is not me. I actually think God is opening up new places in me and will be revealing new gifts. I think there are challenges ahead, taking me into areas that previously frightened me but now seem intriguing - things like spirituality and pastoral care and just finding that deep quiet in the world. Shouldn't be afraid of the quiet.

I know I love writing, yet I couldn't even work up a short essay for a book that I was asked to contribute to! I know I love school, yet the coming quarter doesn't excite me. I know I love preaching and planning worship, yet I'm nervous about my internship. I think I'm afraid that I'll turn out not to be good enough or not enjoy it. Then what am I left with? A nice degree and probably going back to some other career.

So I can't really answer the question of what my gifts are, or how I should or want to use them. I don't know right now. I think they are in transition, some are fading - things I held dear but were tied up in my ego, in my self-worth - and some are peeking out for the first time, like this deep need in me to find rest and quiet and solace, to spend as much time on my relationships as I can, this strong desire I find building in me to create a place of calm and love for myself and others. I think it's what I want to give the world because it's what I need the most.

Is it a waste? All these brains, so many careers I could choose (and have done), so much potential? What if I retreat into the desert and run a quiet house...am I failing? Whom? Myself? God? More likely, those around me. But not those who know me best. I love those strong, solid women in my life whom I wish to emulate, who look into me and see the contemplative inside the rushing whirlwind that is me. Is there a mystic inside of me longing for communion with the Divine? Longing to fast and pray?

Did I mention St. Francis? I love my icon. It's made of chocolate and carmel. You see, John's student, as her project for his philosophy of art class, painted an icon of St. Francis out of Twix bars. She used the chocolate and carmel for the painting and the wrappers for the "gold leaf" behind him. It's absolutely beautiful. I'm so glad we bought it.

The student made it out of candy, thinking that it was fluffy stuff, representative of our materialistic throwaway culture, finding it ironic to contrast that with the values of Francis. But John sees a deeper level - he sees the redemption of the culture, of the fluff and the saccharine sweetness, used not to fatten up a person who doesn't need the calories but instead to create a piece of lasting art that pays homage to a person who entirely gave up material goods (goods?). Like when Johnny Cash sings a Duran Duran song and suddenly it's got a whole new meaning.

And I think God wants to take my fluffy sweet shiny self and turn it into something that is much deeper and quieter but speaks no less, is no less effective. Yes, perhaps I will turn into my painting. That may be a nice visual metaphor for me to follow over the next months.

You know what? School starts tomorrow. Back to reading (already behind!) and Greek and I get to lead the class I'm TA'ing all week since the prof's away. I'm actually really excited about it. Ahhh...there, Dave. Every time I teach a class (usually we're talking some cheesy in-class presetation) at least one and usually several people (quiet background people who don't usually speak up) come to me and tell me I must do that for a living because I am so good at it. I make difficult things easier to understand and I have a ton of energy. Even when I don't really know what I'm saying somehow it works out - I can pull it off and people always tell me they learn. Which makes me feel incredibly good. So that must be the thing, mustn't it?

Anyway, the pizza is ready and we have to finish off the movies before our time is no longer our own. Blessings to you all as you start 2007. I don't know you but I love you. You keep me honest. Thank you.

Do I take requests?

Dunno, Dave, I have in the past, but I'm not sure I have time to think about your questions right now. A short answer would be I tend to be good at stuff I'm not super interested in and simply OK at stuff I love. So people want me to do the former stuff and I get frustrated with the latter.

But it's my last day of vacation, so I don't feel like doing any homework, even homework given by commenters. My Trojans are on.

Quickly, though, to keep my resolution, here are three beautiful things from today:
1) Smelling the Rose Parade (even the horse poop) and seeing George and his 501st legion.
2) Macaroni & Cheese (suggested rightly by Dan).
3) A day so beautiful Dan called it embarrassing. But I pointed out that we pay a hell of a lot to live here and there's reason. Weather like today's, on Jan. 1, is one of them.

Three Beautiful Things

Thanks to JTB for turning me on to this wonderful blog. I found my resolution: to start each post with three beautiful things. And even though it's a day early, I will start now.

1. Sleeping in on a Sunday, sipping coffee, and reading the LA Times (my favorite newspaper).

2. That I can talk my husband into taking me to Souplantation just about any time, even though he hates it. Thanks, sweetie.

3. Tyke's eyes.

Funky

I'm sorry, I don't mean to be so negative. I'm sure reading a bunch of whining is really a lot of fun. Of course, this is my journal of my thoughts, and you're voluntarily subjecting yourself to it. That means occasionally it devolves into teenage angst. That's just me.

Actually it's helpful to have this record. As I think back to what I was doing last fall, I had a regular prayer time (actually a few - I did several daily offices) and was reading a lot of Scripture and other theology books (mostly early church stuff). Then school happened, and everything went to hell. I kept up the prayer practice for a while, but as I got more and more depressed and stressed, especially surrounding the church for which I worked, I withdrew from God's presence. Perhaps I felt guilty or unworthy. Perhaps I just thought I was too busy.

Now I wonder if I don't feel a little burned, afraid to be around God people. They can be so high strung. My emotional state is still such a wreck. I can't seem to get over this hump. I probably need to switch meds, but of course there's no way to do that since I have no money and insurance won't cover psychiatry (to be fair it covers 50%, but at $300/visit, it's still out of reach even with the coverage). I kind of feel like I got the shit kicked out of me all fall long. It wasn't really any one thing, unless it was my health (physical and mental and emotional). I'm still licking my wounds. I know I'm feeling sorry for myself. But I'm also scarred and not looking forward to putting myself out there again. My health is getting worse than ever. I get fatter and fatter and consequently hate looking at myself (in photos especially). I can't breathe anymore - at night especially, but also when I walk around. My lungs feel back the way they were when I lived downtown and coughed all the time from the exhaust. I'm back to coughing all the time. My eyes itch constantly, as does most of my skin. Lots of the time I feel like I can't breathe. I live on allergy pills. It's so weird how different parts of this city have been better and worse for me. South Pas has been the one place I could breathe. Maybe we should go back. Oh, what I wouldn't do to be back in my unaffordable, giant, beautiful, inconvenient-to-school apartment!

But what I'm trying to say is that now I'm letting all these things - movies, books, crossword puzzles, even sleep - take up most of my time. And I have crowded God out. Which is ridiculous because I've had very few obligations for the last 3 weeks. It's all about habit, isn't it? Upholding the habit of God communion while we're busy or not. I don't even want to go to church today. I want to spend my probably last Sunday off (before my new internship starts) cocooned at home.

I've been sleeping 10-11 hours a night. I'm pretty sure that's unhealthy. But before that, the first week of vacation, I slept like 4-5. I started off vacation waking up earlier and earlier each day, until I was waking up regularly at 5:30 then 5 and finally 4. Then halfway through our trip it switched and I started sleeping until 8 then 8:30 then 9. Now I'm waking up after 9, which is unheard of. Part of it is these sleeping pills, which I think are wacky (my last refill was a different brand from what I'm used to and I don't think it works the same, even though it's supposedly the same meds). But sometimes I don't take one and I still sleep weird. They mainly help me get to sleep. And they make me groggy.

Tomorrow I really want to go to the Rose Parade, but that means getting up at 5. I don't know if I can do it. On Wednesday I have to be at class at 8! How will I manage? I know I will get used to it again. But I'm already so stressed about starting school.

Last fall I went into school with great anticipation, excited about my classes and internship, happy about my life with God, ready to finish off seminary. Now I've pulled back and I won't finish for at least another year or more, I'm afraid (!!) of classes, I'm nervous about my internship, and I feel like life with God is gone. Ugh. I've put myself in a bad position. It would maybe be senioritis if I were actually graduating, but I'm not. I guess it's just a funk. Bummer.

I'm reading the paper and all these people are talking about resolutions and the new year. I only have obvious ones (exercise, pray more, relax, etc) and don't much have the energy for them. I'm going into this year so negatively. I know it. But I don't really hate it. I'm too tired to do anything about it. So I'm just kind of sleepwalking. And I know that's a stupid way to go through life but it's all I got right now. I don't even think I wish it were different. I'm so freaking apathetic.

But I'm not, really. I mean, we're still giving money away even though we can't afford it, and I'm happy about that. We're spending too much on organic, free-range groceries because I won't eat otherwise. We're walking nearly every day (which means I cough more - I guess we're back in more of a city environment here). I've found things to really care about, like Africa and AIDs and food. The latter has been a wonderful diversion this break. I need to write the Christian version of the Omnivore's Dilemma soon or somebody is going to beat me to it. Already in today's LA Times there was a review of The Gospel of Food, a new book by a USC sociologist. Gee, have I jumped on another trend? (it's just a thing with us: whatever John and I get into turns into a cultural trend in a matter of weeks or months, usually. A local store carried a perfect t-shirt for us: Everything you like I liked 5 years ago)

But yeah, wouldn't that be interesting? To write about food as religion and how divorced it is from religion? And I think I need a Fulbright to go to India and study Hinduism, since they are so good at using food in their rituals. Yeah, that's what I need.

At least I still have a cat to sit on my lap and claw my legs. Ow. And we got the house rearranged and cleaned, so it's less stressy in here. I don't feel so claustrophobic anymore. Although I'm still surrounded by books, now in every room (all 2 of them). But we've gotten some nice things lately to help: a few great chant and meditation cds, and a soft pillow to sit on, and a lovely teapot (called an ipot!) and great tea. And my bamboo plant is getting so big. And we bought one of John's students' works: an icon of St. Francis, which is huge, and I look into his eyes all the time and it's really meaningful. I can't quite explain it but I love to look at it. And we got a ton of wonderful wine in Napa and made new friends. We might even get to go up to help bottle at one winery. And we got a censer and real incense, although so far we haven't figured out how to work it properly. Oh, and we got a lot of chocolate. Nice.

OK, counting blessings is a good thing. Good remedy for anxiety. I suggest you try. Actually, all you blog buddies should go list what yours are and post me a comment with a link. Then I can see how much we are all blessed (just don't write me about your new car or big house!) and perhaps I'll start believing the world's not such a terrible place.

School doldrums

For the first time I am not looking forward to a new quarter. I'm actually kind of dreading it. I'm really pissy and depressed. I think I'm mainly overstressed because our money's too tight (we're carrying credit card debt for the first time in years and I hate it) and I've grown too big for my clothes and generally hate the way I look. But mostly it's the money. I feel like I should get a job. But how could I handle that?

Anyway, J was pointing out that everybody gets to this point in school, which is the point where all you have left are the requirements you put off so you're no longer taking subjects which interest you. And also I am terrified about trying another Greek exegesis class (my third attempt and I must not drop this time!). I think I'm dreading that the most. The other class, which is history, should actually be fun. I'm nervous about starting the new internship too. Mostly because I have no idea what I'm going to do there. Plus I was just getting used to the old place.

Well if you're a praying type then please ask God to give me some peace and even some pleasure heading back to school. Usually it's such a high point, and I am so excited to get back to learning. Now I am tired and sick of it - not of school, per se, but of the stress and misery and work that goes along with it. And I feel distant from God...not close like I usually do this time of year. I am letting myself focus on non-Godly things like money and stress, and it's hurting me all around. I know it. I just can't do anything about it. I mean, I won't.

And I don't think being poor is a blessing. I know it's often thought of as such, but Dallas Willard in Spirit of the Disciplines makes a case that poverty is not a blessing, and anyone who's ever truly been poor really knows that. If you are doing without NOT by choice it is not a helpful discipline but a painful burden. To deny yourself things like medical care or new shoes for your aching feet or whatever is not a blessing. I understand that simplicity is important and materialism is evil. Believe me, not a problem right now. I'm not saying I want more stuff (there's no place for it anyhow), I'm just saying I wish I didn't have to wonder every month whether we could afford rent or not, whether I should put off the tithe (almost never do, though), whether I can actually pay off the credit card or need to carry the balance, and so on.

Anyway, I am sad to be sad about school. What a bummer for a normally enthusiastic student. Hopefully I'll get to class and feel better. I'll be with two great profs this time, TA'ing for one, and I even get to lead class this week since he's out of town. That will be fun. There are good things. I'm just all swirled up in emotions. It's not good. It's not even PMS time. I'm not eating too badly. I don't know what is up with me. This is a rough year. I think I might just be a happier person when I have a steady paycheck, health insurance and a 401k! But then how will I ever do all the things I love...hardly any of which lead to such luxuries. *sigh*

As John would tell me, it's a pickle.

Recommendations

I'm about 50 pages into The Omnivore's Dilemma, and I can't put it down. Who knew reading about corn could be so fascinating? But it is. And I already know a lot of this stuff from my many food books and documentaries. But Michael Pollan has a very engaging style and puts in a lot of interesting science amidst the food facts and anecdotes. There is a reason this is on many best of the year lists. It's not only educational and entertaining, it's extremely important. I can't recommend it highly enough. It's a long sucker, but it's worth the read. At least try out the first section, and see if you're not hooked after reading about corn sex, industrial agriculture, and the way Iowa turned from green to black. Fascinating stuff. My only regret is that I have the library's copy so I can't make notes in it!!

Oh, also we watched United 93 last night and it was extremely well done. It's very sad and upsetting - you'd never believe that stuff really happened if you hadn't lived through it - but I was glad I saw it, and I had been quite hesitant. The DVD has hours of footage with the families meeting the actors and so on, which is extremely moving.

So those are my two big recommendations! We also enjoyed Little Miss Sunshine and Water and Lady inthe Water (but we love M. Night, even The Village, so we're not typical), and we're watching TransAmerica and Good Night and Good Luck next, but our biggest excitement is for Pan's Labyrinth, which just came out in theaters. I also want to see Perfume and Babel and Blood Diamond. But school's about to start again, so I doubt those will happen. We must get to Pan, though. Really can not wait.

OK, back to Pollan!

God with us

Unto us a child is born, unto us a king, a savior, is given. The Word is made flesh. God is with us. Glorious indeed.

Today we read from John, chapter 3, 16 and following. It is interesting to read this passage carefully. It says that Jesus didn't come to condemn the world but that those who were condemned were already so, before he showed up. Those who are in darkness choose to be there and that is their condemnation. They are not punished by an angry God. God simply shows the way to the light and hopes all will come. But God doesn't come to condemn. We do so to ourselves.

Just try reading the passage again. It's beautiful (and sad) to think about in this way. It's also really a good Christmas message. Here we are about to celebrate the ultimate reaching out of the infinite God toward us. Those of us who do not respond are punishing ourselves. God is loving us, strong as ever. Oh, that we would turn to the light and find salvation! Salvation, meaning the best for us, the way to live our lives that puts us in closest contact with our true selves and with our creator. Who else could better show us how to be? Emmanuel - God WITH us.

OK, I'm not really able to concentrate here. I have a 5 year old running around me jabbering about Santa and too much other activity. I'll probably be gone until after the holiday now. So many Christmas blessings to you!!

A funny

http://www.comedycentral.com/motherload/index.jhtml?ml_video=79774