So I got my Schleiermacher paper back and I'm really, really disappointed. I think mostly because I really poured everything into it - I felt like it was the top of my game - and not only did I not get the grade I expected, but the comments on it are completely infuriating. Mostly they are saying, "You've got it, now expand it more". Well that is impossible to do because of the page limits of the assignment! I would LOVE to expand it more - give me 2 more pages!!
I had everything they wanted to see - in my original 8 page draft. Then I had to cut and cut, so I cut the explanations down to the bare bones, to squeeze all the concepts in. And they don't like that.
I am so frustrated because this was #8 of the papers like this, and I'm doing worse than ever on them. It's like I'm going downhill when I should be getting the hang of them. Plus, I knew this last one was the best I could do. Or I thought so - but they thought other papers I wrote were better. How could they be? My Calvin paper got the comment, "A model of efficient prose." What the hell happened to me?
Anyway, I went to spiritual direction today and my director, bless her, named it as a "devastating" occurence. Which was great because I have been trying to talk myself out of feeling bad about it. At least she gave me permission to feel bad about the discrepancy between my own confidence and that of the professor in me. Which matters a lot to me, b/c I really respect this guy and would like to think of him as a mentor. I hate to disappoint him.
So that sucks and I'm really sad about it. And I wish I were better at these papers by now. Oops lunch is ready. Well I am off to present an hour-long talk on Thomas Merton. I think it will be good - but clearly that's no indication anymore, what I think!
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