Kitten Season

Aren't they the sweetest?

Please do what you can to help spread the word about curbing overpopulation in the shelters. This time of year is known as "Kitten Season" because so many unwanted/feral babies are born. As mommy to two rescued (and spayed) cats, I feel strongly about this issue.

Hey, I've never shown you baby pictures! Now that blogger will host them, here are my children (top is Tyche, bottom is Pollock aka Kitty):

imix created

The imix has been published. I don't know how to access it, but I assume if you asked for it, you know. It's called "The Writings: A Musical Journey". It's under J's account, which is filmphilosopher@juno.com.

Enjoy.

Grief, Loss, Death and Dying

This is the title of a class offered this fall at Fuller. I find myself inexorably drawn to it. The professor is Francis Bridger, and what an amazing story he has. From Fuller's website:

In March 2003 Francis Bridger lost his wife Renee very suddenly to cancer. During twenty-three days, she went from diagnosis to death. This tragic and untimely ending had a devastating effect on Francis for his years of ministry and teaching had only partly prepared him. This book chronicles the twenty-three days leading up to Renee's death and the fourteen months that followed as Bridger grieves and struggles to come to terms with his loss. This book offers no easy solutions to the problem of pain, rather a frank acknowledgement of how difficult are the questions that arise at times of need and suffering. At the same time, it offers hope to those in grief through its combination of honesty, humanity and faith.

This is like taking a class on grief with CS Lewis after Shadowlands. What a humbling opportunity. I'm going to take it alongside Christian Ethics and Eschatology. Thought that would make for a fascinating term. (plus, Bridger wrote a book on how Harry Potter presents a positive spirituality for Christians, so there's always that to discuss!)

I'm planning to visit the Trappist monastery when I'm in Iowa next month, the one where they make those beautiful caskets. I am really looking forward to meeting these monks, who are committed to dealing with death in such an open and spiritual way.

You know, I've seen maybe more death than my share. I don't know. I just know it's always been a part of my life - I've never really been uncomfortable around it. It's very sad, but it's not scary. I remember J turning white as a sheet when he saw my grandfather's body - he was shaking. It was his first. I can't remember my first.

I grew up going to funerals since my dad's a pastor. They were for the old ladies in the church who'd pass, and I'd cry. In the Midwest we do "visitations" which means everyone lines up to walk by the open casket. So I saw plenty of dead bodies. Never touched one until recently, though. And I was standing there looking at my grandfather (other side) with my cousin's young daughter and she said he wasn't there any more.

My first major death experience was with my cousin, who died suddenly and violently, in a shocking accident that tore all of our hearts to shreds. I was 12 and he was 13. That was the kind of formative experience that ... well, I can still pull up exactly how it felt, all these years later. And none of us has really recovered.

Then a family in our church had a gas stove which was left on or something and the house basically exploded, leaving both parents and 2 of 6 kids dead. That funeral had four caskets at the front of the church. It was another kind of intense.

Then in high school my grandmother died but I was too busy with my own life to go to the funeral. Funny how by that time death wasn't such a big deal to me.

In college, freshman year, one of my classmates died in a car accident. I remember at that point calling my parents and asking them why nobody old ever dies. Most of my death experiences to that point were with young people, and usually in sudden accidental ways. I didn't get it.

After moving to LA I spent a few months with my grandpa before he passed away, and that was J's first funeral. Then all hell broke loose. My uncle was in a near-fatal car accident and during his recovery he overdosed on pain pills, during Holy Week. The following year's Holy Week brought my cousin's overdose on Vicatin and beer (you gotta be careful with that stuff!!). He was one month younger than me, to the day. We were beginning to dread Easter. Then J's cousin was killed in another accident, leaving a son and another grieving family behind.

My mom spent the better part of the last 2 (3?) years caring for her parents, the ones who'd lost their son (my uncle) and adopted grandson (my cousin). They lost touch with reality and lost ability to care for themselves. It was a difficult descent into incompetence. Mom went through hell. They finally passed last spring, about a month apart. It was a relief, but closure still looms because the family has been fighting over the will for over a year.

What a mysterious thing death is, and how strange that for some of us, it pours. Death is painful and sad, but not really frightening (eternity is frightening, but that's another subject). We put a lot of stock in the promises of reunion - it helps us to deal. I put stock in them. I want to see these people again.

So I simply must take this class. It is something I need to process, and I want to know how to help other people with it. My life has prepared me to sympathize with many sorts of loss situations, although I can't ever understand what another person is going through, really. But all this pain can be turned to good. I won't say it happened for a reason, because I honestly don't know if that's true and I don't like what it implies. But I will say that it can be redeemed.

More on music

This one is for my friends. As you know, every year J & I have a fun and sometimes rancorous debate about which cds to put in our KCRW 5 pack (for those not in the know, a KCRW 5-pack of cds can be had for a $100 pledge - go www.kcrw.com to subscribe, support a great station, and get 5 awesome cds that you'd buy anyway). The discussion about the 5 pack goes on for many weeks as we collect names and remember ones we forgot and check the dj's picks. Then it come down to that one magical phone call when we get to announce our picks (probably the people at the station aren't as hyped as we are, but whatever). Then we compare notes with all our friends who subscribe to see who got the best pack and/or who will be burning something for us.

So for those of you who follow these things, here's the 2005 summer signup 5 pack by us:

Sounds Eclectico (Various)
Get Behind Me Satan (White Stripes)
Verve Remix 3 (Various)
Guero (Beck)
Six Feet Under 2 (Various)

This is gonna rock...the next 6 weeks are always the worst, waiting for them to arrive!

Music music music

So first I must highly recommend Rufus Wainwright's WANT: One, which came out in 2003 but I've only just been able to procure. Woooow. This is a seriously killer cd. I haven't heard orchestrations like this...well, ever, on a pop cd, and rarely in movie soundtracks or concert halls. It's gorgeous. And makes me keenly aware that there are simply not enough songs out today featuring kickass trumpet solos ("Beautiful Child", Track 11).

Also spinning for me lately is Fiona Apple's newest, which I hear is actually being released soon (for a while the studio refused to release it, and so Fiona was pissed, and let it leak out onto the internet, hence our getting it). Extraordinary Machine - album title and also my favorite track. Incidentally, another great use of instrumentation not normally heard in pop music, including chimes and oboes.

And finally I just finished a rather obsessive project, which is that I wanted to make a cd of songs that reminded me of the books of the Old Testament Writings. Originally I was going to just burn a couple Beck songs for my prof, since he (despite being a music fiend) claims not to have ever heard a Beck song with a melody (ha ha - who doesn't love singing along to "Debra" or "Nicotine and Gravy"? Just because the words don't make any sense doesn't mean there's no melody line). But then I got to thinking about how many of Beck's offerings sound a lot like Ecclesiastes, and that got me thinking how other pop songs by the artists I love remind me of other books of the Writings, and, well, next thing you know, I've compiled a cd for Dr. John that is a veritable musical journey through the Writings. Here's the playlist:

Psalms
Beautiful World
(Colin Hay, Going Somewhere, 2000)
Sunshine On Leith
(The Proclaimers, Sunshine On Leith, 1988)
Trouble On The Line
(Loretta Lynn, Van Lear Rose, 2004)
O Pallanhaare
(Lata Mangeshkar & Udit Narayan, Lagaan: Once Upon A Time In India, 2001)

Proverbs
they
(jem, Finally Woken, 2004)

Song of Songs
You Dance
(eastmountainsouth, Eastmountainsouth, 2003)
Come On Closer
(jem, Finally Woken, 2004)

Job
Life Is Bad
(Shelby Lynne, I Am Shelby Lynne, 2000)
God Makes No Mistakes
(Loretta Lynn, Van Lear Rose, 2004)
Hard Times
(eastmountainsouth, Eastmountainsouth, 2003)

Lamentations
It Won't Go Away
(Kasey Chambers, Barricades & Brickwalls, 2002)

Ecclesiastes
Hurt
(Johnny Cash, American IV: The Man Comes Around, 2002)
O Maria
(Beck, Mutations, 1998)
Sweetness Follows
(R.E.M., Automatic For The People, 1992)
Just A Ride
(jem, Finally Woken, 2004)

Daniel
The Golden Path
(The Chemical Brothers featuring the Flaming Lips, Singles 93-03, 2003)
7
(Prince, The Hits/The B-Sides (Disc 1)

And if I'd only owned the cd, I would also have had to add "The Greatest Song in the World" by Tenacious D in my apocalyptic section. *sigh* Oh, well. now you can tell me what I missed - maybe there will have to be a Writings Volume 2.

Good news

I am constantly amazed at how God is using this blog. People are finding schools here...and caskets. Stories long hidden are brought to light so shared memories can help healing to begin. I am blessed by the community who reads this - and challenged! You guys hold me to a high standard. Thank goodness God is more forgiving than blog commenters! (that's a joke, commentators)

I went to meet about my internship today with the director of the office. The first thing she said to me was that if my supervisor had a problem with the community statement she could cross the offending part out and write why...and I handed her that exact thing already done. She was delighted - and sorry to hear of my concern over whether I could do the internship. In fact, she said that somehow word had reached the dean of my school and even the president of the seminary, and they both had been emailing with her to ensure their full support of the denominiational positions of students' churches and that she should tell students they are encouraged to have supervisors write something bringing the standards into line with their particular denomination's doctrine. Well!

She said she didn't know how that happened but I have guesses! I know I have angels at Fuller who read this blog and determined to do something on my behalf (for I am but the first of no doubt many yet to come). And it turns out that the president and dean are totally on board, and in fact somehow the language may change. I know this has been brewing for some time, but it is so wonderful to have played a little part in helping to open the school to the new developments in Christendom.

So thank you, those of you who may have said something. I've been told to make sure my Episcopal friends know they can indeed serve in their own parishes. Fuller trusts our bishop. And as others face this as their churches deliberate, I imagine Fuller will keep walking that razor-thin line of sensitivity vs. standards. You do have to admire their ability to keep both sides happy (or upset, as the case may more often be!).

I feel terribly that I have written in so long so I'm going to blabber on a while. I lost 3 lbs this week - then gained one back eating pizza. Too bad. I also bought my first old lady bras. I'm just too big for pretty ones anymore. But at least I went up a cup size! Ah, small victories. I've been thinking a lot about my weight because I took a blood sugar test and it was 105 after fasting which I'm told is a little elevated. And I'm just thinking GREAT - that's just what I need, diabetes! No way, bugger. The poundage is coming off and the fruits & veggies are going in (hey, it was a tomato/mushroom pizza!). I am WAY too terrified of needles to get diabetes. Of course a lot of people can't help getting it and it has nothing to do with weight. But in my case, I've gained a lot in a short time, I was less active b/c of school last year, and both my grandparents had it, so I am on high alert.

What else can I tell you? Haven't had much time for reading lately except Harry Potter which I'm about 500 pages into. Getting to the end! But it takes us a long time to read b/c we read them aloud. I read them to J and I used to do voices but I've forgotten a lot of them since this one took so long to come out. Plus I was largely basing them on the audio recording, which I heard for the first three books, and then after that I had to make them up myself.

Speaking of books that were read aloud, I hear Narnia looks great from a friend who saw bunches of it at Comicon. That's a relief. The trailer I saw did not look great - I mean, the effects looked kind of cheesy. But they all can't be LOTR, right?

So maybe I've lost a lot of people by now and I can tell you a few of the things I've been saving. One is that J got me the BEST present for our anniversary!!! Men, listen up. It's called the lavendar 6-pack and it involves several sleeves and buzzing objects. That's all I'm gonna say. It's such a totally redemptive thing for me - like I am just so thrilled to share such a thing with my husband and to have it be GOOD and not guilt-inducing. Love it!

Also things are pretty much sucking with the quitting of the job. I know absolutely I made the right choice - I've never been so sure of anything. It was absolutely the right thing to do, and I'm completely relieved, a weight is lifted. And yet. There is the person I'm leaving, who is not taking it well. I think our small office (just 2 of us) makes it feel more like an abandonment or personal rejection than a professional decision. So there's been some bad exchanges and some disagreements over whether I broke a promise (conveniently shared with the heads of departments, which makes me feel terrible). Anyway it's not for much longer but I hate that it's ending badly, especially because it was such a great ride.

Okay, J is emerging from the computer room so I think I might go see him. Haven't done that in quite a few days. Love ya.

Quotes from Class

There's nothing like class to pep me up. No matter how tired and cranky I feel at 5:00, four hours with Dr. John is the best medicine in the world. I get home so jazzed. He just loves Scripture so much and makes us love it too.

Tonight he was in rare form, and here are a few of my favorite bon mots from the evening:

"You are not chosen because you are great. You are chosen because you are wrong. How much more splendid is what God achieves with the one who is not great."

How can God let people get away with so much? "That's God's problem, you see: God makes a commitment to you, and God has to keep the commitment!"

"If the gifts and promises of God are revocable, we're in deep shit."

"Just stand there, God will bless you in splendiferous ways, and the rest of the world will come and say wow! I'd like some of God please!"

Internship, cont.

I think we're just going to apply to Fuller and see what they say. We're going to cross out the stuff about same-sex relations being "unbiblical", which I've been told worked for another supervisor in my denomination (who, by the way, isn't gay herself, but simply disagrees with the statement). Then we'll see what happens. Probably won't volunteer the orientation of my supervisor, unless specifically asked. I imagine this won't be the first or last time someone's crossed out that section, so here's hoping it will fly.

The sad thing is that I wish there would be an acknowledgement that this issue isn't settled in Christendom. But then I have to remind myself that in fact, it is, in the majority of the churches (or at least in their individual's minds) that send people to Fuller. Same goes for topics such as evolution vs. creation that seem so completely ridiculous to me, but they are a big deal to some people (as evidenced by a lively argument - and the sound of many minds blowing - in my Penteteuch class last Wednesday night).

I chose Fuller because I feel like I have a pretty good grasp on the world's views on things, and I wanted to learn more about the average joe christian's worldview. It's sorely lacking in my opinion, but that's all the more reason to redouble our efforts. The main thing is to get people - including seminarians! - reading the Bible. It's amazing how uppity Evangelicals can be about this book, as if they are the only ones who understand it. I keep getting that annoying question about why you'd believe any of it if parts of it are fictional and despite my best efforts to point out the fictionality of Jesus' parables people somehow compartmentalize those into a special category. So we can learn from parables even though they didn't happen, but if Genesis or Esther or Job didn't, then our entire faith is bunk. I'm generalizing and summarizing, of course, but it boils down to people holding on to things that don't necessarily make sense.

Anyway, I have to work on my homework now, and don't have time for a full-on rant. I just wish people would read the Bible for what it is and not try to make it into things it's not. And I hate questions like, "Why do you read it if you don't think it really happened?" Because it's still true, even if it's not factual! And mostly because it's the Bible, so that makes it important to read. Duh! It's the most important way God's revealed Godself to us, and there's something to learn (about God, about us, about us and God) from everything, historically true or not.

Oh, boy. Really gotta stop now.

Last Day

Today's my dad's last sunday. His last at his church, possibly his last as a pastor. What a strange thing that must be. To be in a ministry like that so frequently defines who we are as people, particularly for someone who's done it his entire life. And suddenly he's not a pastor anymore. Do unemployed pastors count?

He'll always do pastorly things of course, wherever he winds up. You can't do a job for 40 years then suddenly become a different person. Especially a job like this, a 24/7 on-call position that alters not only your own life, politics, buying habits, what you drink, what you wear, who you talk to, but that of your entire family. You are under the microscope all the time. So perhaps it's freeing in a way. Or will it be like the caged animal that fears the outside world?

But churches are not cages, they are places where people grow in wonderful relationships with each other and God. And I think the biggest loss is that of a community. The Church is God's action on earth - more than that, it is God on earth. It is how God does things and shows Godself to the world. The most important thing is not our individual relationship with God. It is what we are doing as part of the Church. The Church goes on with or without us, and our decision is whether to participate and thus be part of the life of God. There's no kingdom life without church life.

And so you go from being in charge of one of these little subsets of the kingdom to being...what? Not even really a member of one, for the time being. No longer in working partnership with those who've been about God's business with you for 10 years. What a strange and unsettling new sensation. And how much it must hurt.

I pray for my father today. I pray for him to find his new place - his new work - in the kingdom. And for him to take joy and comfort from the fact that his example led 2 of 3 of his kids into the pastorate. The kingdom will go on and will be passed to the next ones. But he still has vital work. After all, the eternal life is only just begun.

Memoirs

So last night I got to be in the first audience to view the film Memoirs of a Geisha. That was a cool experience. The film is pretty good, and I think anyone who's enjoyed the book will like seeing the characters and situations come to life. Poor J, who hadn't read the book, wasn't as happy. The trouble was with the first act (her childhood), which was much too long. But we understand we saw a work in progress, so maybe they'll tighten it up.

At one point Ziyi Zhang and Michelle Yeoh are sitting there having a conversation and I leaned over to J and suggested they start fighting a la Crouching Tiger. He said, "That's the only thing that can save this movie."

But once she becomes a Geisha things get interesting. They do that regular obnoxious movie thing of having everyone speak English with accents (if they're supposed to be speaking their own language, they wouldn't have accents!). Except the opening scene, which for some unexplainable reason is in Japanese without subtitles. Then they just switch to English once she arrives in the city, and suddenly this kid can speak perfect English! Wow!

Well, anyway, if you see the movie and they've changed that, you can give me credit. Wouldn't be hard to dub in English over the opening scene and keep everything consistent.

Apart from my little nit picks, it's a gorgeous movie, making Japan look positively other-worldly (although some of it was obviously shot in Hawaii - we recognized the Blue Hawaii beach). The colors, costumes, settings, and music are all superb, Oscar-worthy. The performances are quite good but I couldn't get past how Chinese all the actors look. I think the director thought Americans wouldn't be able to tell they weren't Japanese, but it was pretty obvious to me. Maybe just b/c I've seen the actors playing their own nationality in so many other films. But come on - Michelle Yeoh just does not look Japanese!

The best parts are those that evoke the rhythms/visuals of Chicago (Rob Marshall directed both). There's a great training sequence and an amazing dance sequence, both of which you can tell were fun for the director.

I'm just not sure he's got his pacing right. And he needed to reign in the actors - much of the drama is over-the-top, including some of the performances. And the blue contacts in Ziyi's eyes keep moving around when she cries which is really weird.

But anyway, I wrote all this in my comment card, so we'll see what they fix. I would highly recommend the film to fans of the book and of Japanese culture (although there's not nearly as much dwelling on the fascinating cultural elements as in the book - wish they'd spent more time on that than on some of the drama). People like J, who haven't read the book, are going to find parts boring. Heck, even I got bored a couple of times.

But then they'd hit you with something gorgeous so it was okay. Well it's worth seeing for free, anyway. Just kidding, I'm not saying don't see it. But it's probably not the best film of the year.

That honor still goes to Batman, IMHO.

Betting the farm

We go today from buying the farm to betting it (ha ha!!).

Here's a meditation on this coming Sunday's gospel that brought tears to my eyes. Why? Read it first.

Betting the Farm

They need not go away; you give them something to eat.
Matthew 14:17

Me?!? With what? The five little loaves of pita and two dried fish my wife packed for my lunch this morning? I'm hungry myself. I could eat three times what I brought and still be hungry.

So you're saying I should take the lunch that isn't even enough for me and give it away? Right. That should work.

Jesus didn't just ask his followers to share from their abundance -- he asked them to share from their scarcity. They didn't have enough for themselves, and he asked them to give it up.

And we know how it ended, of course -- there was no scarcity. There was more than enough for everyone. But the first person who laid his lunch down didn't know that. He was looking at a hungry evening ahead. And he did it anyway.

Talk about going out on a limb. Most of our giving isn't very risky, but his sure was. Most of us are risk-averse, but sometimes people find the guts to lay it all down, betting everything on what they need, with their hearts in their throats, with no Plan B. A scary thing to do. But there was more than enough. There still is.

(Copyright © 2005 Barbara Crafton - http://www.geraniumfarm.org)

So why cry? Because it's a good word for me today. Because I just resigned from my paying job to pursue unpaid internships, academic committee appointments, lots of expensive classes, and the knowledge of God, with all of my heart, soul, mind and strength.

No more net.

More on death

A anonymous poster tipped me off to this site and I just think it's the coolest thing. What a fascinating ministry for this brotherhood!

http://www.trappistcaskets.com/index.html

It's an order of trappist monks whose service is creating caskets (from their own sustainable forest) and urns. They have a healthy spirituality of death and life. I'm so delighted I found this.

Plus they are in Dubuque, IA, close to my hometown. Perhaps I'll make a visit there next time I'm visiting the folks.

Hooray! Amy's back!

One of my favorite politics-and-religion columnists, Amy Sullivan, is writing a regular column on beliefnet. Check here to see what she has to say about the John Roberts nomination:
http://beliefnet.com/story/171/story_17145_1.html

Wisdom about War

Here is some wisdom for today from one of my favorite lady priests:

WE WILL FIGHT THEM IN THE MALLS

At the time of the World Trade Center bombing, it seemed that we would be in for a long and difficult era of self-sacrifice. We talked about it a lot then; I remember Carol Towt worrying out loud about how this generation would handle it, as we stood and talked outside the post office one morning late that September -- We had the Depression to make us strong, but they've never had to struggle for anything, she said. I'm afraid they don't know how.

In New York, we began it with a unanimous and willing spirit that surprised us and must have stunned the many visitors who soon descended upon the city to help out. New Yorkers are so friendly! Incredulous people from the Midwest kept telling me, and I was at a loss for a suitable reply. Oh, we're always like that, I said.

Always? I don't know; I haven't been here always. But I do know that we reached into ourselves and into the hearts of our neighborhoods and found there the same spirit that sustained men, women and children through all our country's darkest days. War is about aggression and failed politics, but a city's response to war is always local: neighborhoods, local kids gone overseas, a communal belt-tightening in the service of something greater than ourselves.

Very soon, it seemed, this one would be different. The patriotic thing to do, it appeared, would be to shop more. And go out to eat. This made sense in our part of town, a street in Hell's Kitchen christened "Restaurant Row," hit hard by the abrupt drop in business: the bombing immediately and directly injured the owners, the suppliers, the waiters and kitchen people. Many places closed. I made the rounds of as many local eateries as I could afford.

But it turned out that we were all supposed to shop and eat out more, not just New Yorkers. Buy more cars -- we began to buy Hummers, enormous vehicles that imitated the all-terrain conveyances the troops were using in Afghanistan and Iraq, as if by buying cars that were like their cars we were somehow partaking in their terrible daily risks. How odd -- our most serious spiritual vices, the very things that were making us weaker, more soft and corpulent and less useful every year -- were the things we were supposed to do to win the war against terror.

Why was it that in other times of national trial we were expected to do without things and in this one we are expected to acquire more of them? Whose side are we on?

There are potent economic forces in the world that will do very well regardless of what happens to us -- wealth that knows no national boundaries, wealth with a mission to enlarge itself, whatever the cost; wealth that goes where the money is, that would just as soon take it from you as from me and would prefer to take it from us both, wealth whose short-term prospects are so dazzling that nothing long-term matters.

Shopping and acquisition can't win a war or govern a people. No one can prosper safely on a foundation of debt. There really is no such thing as a free lunch; everything has a cost. What a pity that the only people who will pay the cost of this war are the young men and women put in harm's way and their families, and the civilians caught in the crossfire.

For now, that is. We'll settle up later.

Copyright © 2005 Barbara Crafton - http://www.geraniumfarm.org/

March

So I saw March of the Penguins, and sad to say, it wasn't as good as it could have been. More like a TV special than strong enough for film release. Maybe on IMAX it would be better. But I'd recommend renting "Winged Migration" instead (or I hear that one about the parrots of telegraph hill is great...although I live that outside my window most days...there's a few flocks of wild parrots that summer in South Pas).

J is teaching a class about film and philosophy and picked up a couple books about the Alien movies and what they teach us about sex. Really quite interesting theories. The progression of the movies, supposedly, is Ripley learning that sex is actually natural and okay and not something to be afraid of. In the first film, the subject is obviously birth - the horror of it, as demonstrated at the infamous spaghetti dinner. The second is about motherhood and protecting children. The third I didn't watch but I think it's again talking about pregnancy. And in the fourth she finally has to grow up and accept her child (before sucking him out the airlock).

Well anyway it's an interesting theory put forth in a couple of books, "On Film" by (can't find author right now will let you know) and "Alien Sex" (I'm striking out on authors). It appears one could make a very interesting study of these films and their relationship to the female life, especially our reproductive life.

Hey, do y'all think I should look into being chair of the Women's Concerns Committee at school?

What will we do with them?

Because of what I've been writing about my internship woes, someone else has been emailing me privately about her seminary-finding woes. This gal went to a conservative Christian school for undergrad and after graduating she came out. Now she feels called to seminary, to be able to get a PhD and teach eventually.

Here's what she says:
My biggest problem has been finding a conservative school that I could make it through. Schools that welcome gay students are too "off the deep end," as you say, and schools that have a solid, Biblically based program don't welcome gay students. It's quite the dilemma.

Which is why, with the options that have been presented me, I'm more readily considering a school that has a more conservative bent... even if they don't want me. :) I want a school with a good program, solid Biblical teaching and a good reputation.

*sigh*

She's willing to hide and pretend to be what she is not just so she can learn about Jesus from people who believe in him.

What will we do with these GLBT Christians who seek authentic Christian teaching? They don't want to go to a liberal school...they are still evangelical, even. But they're gay, so they're out of the club. Where can they go? This is going to become more and more an issue. The evangelical church cannot hide forever from the hurting same-sex oriented in their midst.

For the chickens

J frequently mocks my obsession with chickens. Somehow I have more sympathy for them than most of the animals people eat. I saw the sickest commercial last night - a new Carl's Jr. ad proclaiming that "the only thing chickens are good for is eating." This may be the case to a lot of people, but frankly, do we really know enough about them to proclaim them pointless creatures? There is the little matter of eggs, for instance. And they kind of have to be un-eaten to make eggs.

Anyway, I wanted to post about the Humane Society's campaign to get Trader Joe's to stop selling eggs from chickens kept in battery cages. I was suprised to learn that both Whole Foods and Wild Oats took this action but TJ's refuses. Seems silly - I would think TJ customers would be the kind of people who are into less cruelty in the world. I mean really, do we need cheap eggs so badly? There's just no good reason, it seems, to continue the culture of violence and the cheapening of life - even chicken life! Maybe you don't think chickens are good for anything but eating...but for the ones we keep alive (and pumped with hormones so they'll produce), can't we at least give them a little space, make their miserable lives somewhat less so?

It's not much for us to participate and it's not much for TJ's to respond. I normally don't get all activisty, but this just seems logical to me.

Ask Trader Joe's to stop selling eggs from caged hens
From https://community.hsus.org/campaign/traderjoes/
National grocery store chain Trader Joe's has thus far refused to enact a policy to stop selling eggs from hens confined in tiny wire coops called battery cages. Egg-laying hens in battery cages are the most intensively confined animal in the United States, each cage providing less than a sheet of paper of space per bird. Trader Joe's competitors, Whole Foods and Wild Oats, have both agreed to stop selling eggs from battery-caged hens.
Please take a moment to call the Trader Joe's customer comment lines at 626-599-3817 (west coast) and 781-455-7319 (east coast) and ask the company to adopt a policy to sell only cage-free eggs.
Also, if you shop at Trader Joe's, be sure to print out and fill out our free "customer comment card" to drop off at the store. Feedback from Trader Joe's customers is vital to the success of this campaign. Click here to find a Trader Joe's near you.
Next, send your email message to Chairman and CEO Dan Bane to urge Trader Joe's to follow the lead of Whole Foods and Wild Oats and stop selling eggs from battery-caged hens. Because Bane has chosen not to accept emails from the public, The HSUS Trader Joe's Team will ensure that your message will reach him. (fill out the email at the link above)
The conditions for caged hens are simply too cruel for any humane person to support, or for any socially responsible company to condone. Trader Joe's already sells some cage-free eggs and has a history of doing the right thing when it comes to issues of animal welfare. Now is the time for the company to commit to selling only cage-free eggs.
Since we launched our campaign, Trader Joe's has posted a statement in support of its battery-cage egg policy. Click here to read our response.

Here is some more info. I feel like it's a little thing to do. Hope you'll consider joining me. These guys will thank you...

About that internship thing...

Ok, a lot of people are concerned about my internship thing. Let me make something clear: I am only going by what I've read in the Fuller handbook. I haven't spoken to the people in charge yet. This may not be a big deal to them (I'm told that people in the other schools have had gay supervisors). But if that is so, I would still question why it's in the supervisor handbook.

So nobody's actually told me I couldn't have the placement. The handbook says supervisors are expected to "adhere" to the community standards. The community standards state specifically that homosexual behavior is "unbiblical" and forbidden. Therefore, we (me and the potential sup) inferred that she would not be permitted to supervise me. She was happy to go with a "don't ask don't tell" attitude, but upon reading the handbook she felt that wasn't offered as an option, and upon my reading, I agreed. I completely am right there with you guys - it seems really "un-Fuller" to me.

Regardless of whether they determine I can work with her, it is quite confusing for students and potential supervisors to have that right there in the supervisor handbook. I'm actually really surprised (happily so) to learn that this might not be a big deal. Maybe I help have the handbook changed so this doesn't confuse others in the future.

It's ridiculously hot here in thh computer room so I'm stopping now.

Death and the communion of saints

Death is the touchstone of our attitude to life. People who are afraid of death are afraid of life. It is impossible not to be afraid of life with all its complexity and dangers if one is afraid of death. This means that to solve the problem of death is not a luxury. If we are afraid of death we will never be prepared to take ultimate risks; we will spend our life in a cowardly, careful and timid manner. It is only if we can face death, make sense of it, determine its place and our place in regard to it, that we will be able to live in a fearless way and to the fullness of our ability. Too often we wait until the end of our life to face death, whereas we would have lived quite differently if only we had faced death at the outset.

Most of the time we live as though we were writing a draft for the life which we will live later. We live, not in a definitive way,but provisionally, as though preparing for the day when we really will begin to live. We are as though preparing for the day when we really will begin to live. We are like people who write a rought draft with the intention of making a fair copy later. But the final versioin never gets written. Death comes before we have had the time or even generated the desire to make a definitive formulation.

The injunction "be mindful of death" is not a call to live with a sense of terror in the constant awareness that death is to overtake us. It means rather: "Be aware of the fact that what you are saying now, doing now, hearing, enduring or receiving now may be the last event or experience of your present life." in which case it must be a crowning, not a defeat; a summit, not a trought. If only we realized whenever confronted with a person that this might be tyhe last moment either of his life or of ours, we would be much more intense, much more attentive to the words we speak and the things we do.

Only awareness of death will give life this immediacy and depth, will bring life to life, will make it so intense that its totality is summed up in the present moment. All life is at every moment an ultimate act.

Metropolitan Anthony of Sourozh (Orthodox Bishop)

A boy named Joe

I dreamt about him again last night. I've been meaning to tell you for a long time. He shows up a lot in my dreams. They are usually the same scenario: somehow we find one another, and either I get the chance to apologize or he simply accepts me without that. The dreams come and go, but sometimes they haunt me for weeks on end, every night.

He was the first person I loved. I didn't know it at the time - I was much too young. I didn't understand how to behave when in love. I was terrible to him. But I really did love him. I know this now.

I long to talk to him, to tell him how sorry I am that I was a jerk, that I didn't know what I had. If I'd just been a little more mature, we would have stayed together a long time - possibly years. I threw away something really special.

In the end, after several breaking ups and getting back togethers, it was getting really good again. One day I called him and his friends wouldn't let me talk to him. And he never called me again after that. The next time I saw him a few months later, we were over. I never quite figured out how it happened - we never talked about it. I experienced my first major bout of depression the following year and barely dated at all. Took well over a year to be able to be in a relationship again.

If I could see him again, I would tell him I'm sorry. That he was a wonderful boyfriend and I couldn't have asked for a better first love. I just want him to forgive me for being so stupid. And this is what I have dreamt about for years and years. He shows up, I apologize, we make up.

Isn't it strange, the great loves and the great regrets of our lives? There was a man later, who I dated for over four years. I barely remember anything about him. But Joe is there in my head always - in my heart. He is in my dreams and I remember him perfectly. Of course, much time has passed, and perhaps it would take just once glance at him today to be over all of this. But it was his inside person that I loved. That I will always love a little bit.

So if you know Joe, tell him I'm sorry. Tell him that we had a good thing and I know that now. Tell him that I'll always have a very special place for him in my heart, and love for him too.

And tell him I'll see him in my dreams.

Here is the question

It really just boils down to this: whatever side we take on the issue, can we agree that there is diversity in the church right now? And if so, should a seminary which accepts students (and professors and staff) from the different denominations allow for the differences by simply requesting that people stay within the moral boundaries defined by their denomination? Not on everything, if you like, but perhaps just on this one issue, because it's up in the air.

I'm not sure that taking a hard-line stance on this will really do anyone any good. And in my case, it severely limits where I will be able to pursue my graduation requirements. Not because I'm personally living outside the boundaries. But because the people who run my church happen to have come down on the opposite side from the seminary.

I am so curious now as to how they will handle this. It's got to have come up before. What will they say? Where will I go?

Ready to rumble

I think I'm going to fight this. It seems ridiculous that Fuller would accept Episcopal students and then not allow them to do internships within their own denomination! Because you see, my denomination - at least my diocese - is inclusive. The churches where I'd want to do my internships are inclusive. And the people who would be my supervisors, even if they are not homosexual themselves, would stand in solidarity with those in our church who are. And those in the other churches who are. Which is every other church.

I'll do this and I'll take a big magic marker and blot out that part of the contract. And if Fuller doesn't like it, then they're going to have to give me responsible historical-critical analysis that supports their position. On most other social "issues", like slavery and women's rights, biblical scholarship has trumped proof-texting. So why are we still pulling verses out of context (both their Biblical and historical/cultural contexts) on this issue? I guess the same reason why people use Proverbs to support beating children (yet ignore the one about if you eat too much you should slit your own throat).

I've been taught well about why my church believes as it does. They came to this with much prayer and much study. They did not throw out the bible. And they did not bend to pressure from people who aren't ready yet. In 100 years, I want my great-grandchildren to be able to say I was on the right side of this. I don't want them to look back in shame, as those whose ancestors owned slaves now do.

My church is inclusive, and I want to devote myself to it. This church has given me life, it's made me a Christian. It's my link to the Almighty. I trust my church, and my bishop and my denomination.

Fuller is just going to have to accept that not all churches agree on this any more, and they either need to stop accepting students from denominations which are inclusive or they need to stop requiring this of internship supervisors. Because otherwise, they're kicking us all out of our own churches!

Trying to be philosophical

I suppose I can see how the Community Standards are reflective of what the majority of Fuller believes Christian behavior to be. And they do not include the really silly things like drinking, dancing, smoking - all that fun stuff from Wheaton. I think gambling might be in there. And there's a huge section on divorce (it's not a deal-breaker, but it's not a good thing).

Hmmm...I think the problem with homosexuals is that they are continuing to "live in sin" - they refuse to give up the "sinful" sex they have (of course, 5 years into my marriage, I wasn't having a whole lot of sex, and we're talking about 60-year-old women; I doubt these gals are humping like bunnies). Like many Christians who want to toe the line, they simply say that it's OK to be gay, just don't act on it.

But it seems really dumb to me. This woman can't change who she is - and why should she? She came out very late in life, and it seems like she should be granted grace and be able to finally love the way she was meant to - the way that was denied for so many years.

So what? She might taint me? I might "go gay"? This sucks because it eliminates just about every internship I could have, simply because I gravitate towards progressive Episcopal churches and people who aren't going to sign in agreement with the Standards.

Well, here's what they say:

Fuller Theological Seminary believes that heterosexual union must be reserved for marriage and insists on sexual abstinence for the unmarried. The seminary believes premarital, extramarital, and homosexual forms of explicit sexual conduct to be inconsistent with
the teaching of Scripture.

Consequently, the seminary expects all members of its community—trustees, faculty members, students, administrators, and staff members—to abstain from what it holds to be unbiblical
sexual practices.

At least they have a section on Dishonesty too. Because you know we all abstain from that.

Another opportunity lost?

Today I had an outstanding meeting with the Associate Dean for Religious Life at USC. We talked all about the different faith groups on campus, which range widely and enjoy a lot of support from the administration. USC is really committed to helping students explore their spiritual sides during their college years. I would venture to say that's a pretty crucial exploration time for many people.

Since J will be a professor, we imagine we'll be around college most of our life. We dream about owning a home where students who are seeking spiritually can live, get direction, participate in daily ritual, and just ask questions.

So I talked with her about doing an internship, and she was really keen on me working with the interfaith council, which is the group of representatives from all the different faith groups. They meet monthly and put on a few events every year that are open to everyone, where they can explain about their faith or perform a ritual or something that gives others a sense of what they believe.

It was so exciting! I would love to work with these students. For one thing, I would learn so much from exposure to all these different faith groups. I would be able to help the Christian students build bridges with the others. I would help put together the interfaith services (how cool is THAT!).

I left so totally high on life. What a great opportunity!!

But then I got back to my office and I checked Fuller's requirements. And I realized that there is probably very little chance that they'll let me do this internship.

Not because it's interfaith. Not because it's at USC.

Because the woman who would supervise me, who has nearly 40 years ministry experience, who has an MDiv and Phd and was one of the first women ever ordained in the Church of England, this woman who has lived a life of faith and even has a degree from Fuller! - BUT, this woman chooses to live in a committed monogamous loving relationship (she was married at Grace Cathedral in San Francisco). She does not repress her love and she does not spread it around inappropriately. She is simply married ... to a woman.

And according to Fuller's Community Standards, that makes her unfit to supervise my internship. This woman cannot teach me how to minister to college students (despite her many years doing so from a place of Christian faith), cannot teach me about Jesus, cannot be trusted with my oh-so-fragile faith, because she's gay.

And I will tell you, people, I am hopping mad. It's so stupid! I could understand if she were another religion, or if she were actually supposed to be my teacher. But she's a Christian - majorly! And she's just supervising my internship!

I have a feeling that Fuller would prefer I be supervised by my boss, an observant Jew, than by a Jesus-loving homosexual. What is UP with that?!?

And now this amazing opportunity - to learn so much about the faith of college students, to soak in cultures from around the world, to interact with and impact potentially hundreds of young people, to learn from them and prepare myself for what could very well be my life's ministry - it just might have to be trashed.

It's all just so imperfect and unfair. I'm so sad. I'm sad for Fuller. I'm sad for those kids. I'm sad for me. I'm sad for our stupid world, especially the Christians.

Why can't someone who sincerely loves Jesus be my mentor?

He who is without sin......................................

Ahhhhhh.....home

Wow - church today was awesome! I'm so sad I haven't been to the music service in ages. It was really good today. I walked in and saw a guy with a guitar (my heart sank). But this dude really understood how to play for our context. It didn't feel happy-clappy at all - but it was very joyful. What a treat to have something different. He's going to be around all of July, so that will be nice. I volunteered to sing with him.

Then in August our new music director will come, fresh from Yale. My experience with Yalies (sp?) is really great. The Dean of my school (Annenberg, not Fuller) is from Yale, and one of my favorite liturgists/priests went there (Carol Wade, now at the National Cathedral making up services for them - dream job!!), and my last choir director Dale Adelmann who I love and who taught me so much went there. I myself checked out the Institute when I was looking for an MDiv program (went to Fuller because Brehm is more diversified in artistic forms). So I have high hopes for this newbie. I may even placate my surrounding parishoners and join the choir (I am frequently asked to do so by those sitting near me).

Anyway, the music was great, and Rev. Anne Tumilty preached a wonderful sermon on the parable of the sower and the terrorist attacks in London and the Christian response. I was enraptured.

Plus there were people there from Fuller and from USC. All my little worlds converging. The only person not there was J, who had gone without waking me to the 8:00 service. But he says he'll be coming along to the 10:00 for the rest of the summer, since I gave the music such high praise. Thank God! I was just yesterday lamenting the loss of music in my life and contemplating the very difficult, exhausting idea of going back to sing at All Saints. Perhaps I will be able to fill that need 3 blocks away instead.

Blessings to you - I pray that your church experience today, if you have one, is all the more joyful and Spirit-filled!

Random

Well I thought I better post something so that Baptist thing can move further down and we can all stop worrying about it.

I got to write my first feminist paper. It was about the OT writings and Reading Lolita in Tehran and The Piano. I am now a huge fan of Phyllis Trible. Go Phyllis! And I also really enjoyed commentaries edited by Athalya Brenner (I didn't read much of her own stuff but she knows how to find good material) and I liked the book by Renita J. Weems on women in scripture. Did you ever think about the Song of Songs being a redemption of the love story ("gone awry") told in Genesis? Phyllis tells us all about it.

Also, why is Lois suddenly showing up on Smallville? Can anyone help me out here? I am proud to say that my friend Luke Schelhaus wrote last night's episode. I mean, I'm proud he's my friend. Sadly I couldn't finish the ep. I never got much into that show.

But today since J is looking for things to show in his Ethics of Sex class, I was watching season 6 of Buffy. And all of us who hated it at the time it aired were wrong. It's genius. Every single show is genius. Well maybe not doublemeat palace, but I haven't rewatched it yet. They are all about sex, yes, and love and addiction especially, but they are also majorly dealing with gray areas of morality. Finally, the most moral show on TV gives in to postmodernism. Yet the heroine remains in the moral center - she doesn't want there to be gray. She wants right and wrong. And people think that show is demonic. Geez!

What else is going on? I'm having a hard time getting myself into the ordination process. I was in it, then I was out of it, then I switched churches, so now I'm church "homeless" and nobody can send me to be ordained. Which is tricky because people keep asking me why I'm not being ordained. And also I woke up the other morning and realized that there was really no reason not to be. If it means that I would end up the lone priest of a small country church, well...that actually sounds pretty good to me. *sigh* But no one will send me. Which very well might mean I'm not called. I trust the church to pick their leaders. It ain't up to me. Even if I am called.

OK, my hands hurt and I have a huge day tomorrow. So I'm signing off. But at least now you know I'm still here. Please take a moment, by the way, to pray for the people in London. Thanks.

Overheard at the Episcopal Church...

"I couldn't be Baptist anymore because I don't hate people."

What Kingdom Do We Serve?

Last year, I was out of town for the Fourth of July weekend and attended a local church service in the San Diego area. It got underway with about 45 minutes of music about America, which rarely mentioned God except to say that He’d given us this country or this was His nation. We were instructed to stand and even lift our hands, but the objects of our worship, as evidenced by the red, white and blue on the choir members and the flags waving on the jumbo-trons, seemed to be our country, our liberty, and our right as Christians to worship freely. Throughout the show, the screens showed images of fireworks, little children waving flags, and the statue of liberty, but they also occasionally cut to footage of soldiers at war, particularly when the choir sang about honoring those who’ve lost their lives for our liberties. The music culminated with a rousing anthem and a giant American flag, as long as the large stage and as tall as the ceiling, rising majestically as a backdrop.

Then the pastor got up and proceeded to preach from the Declaration of Independence. I am pretty sure that was his chosen text for the sermon (the Bible was cited only when it could be used to prove the correctness of the conservative right or of nationalism). He launched into a fiery speech about our rights as Christians to proclaim the truth, and warned of the renegade judges who are trying to take that freedom away from churches. He selectively chose events in America’s history that made the church look good and the government bad, and even brought up women’s suffrage and the end of slavery as examples of the church properly leading a liberal charge. Yet I doubt that this man has any interest whatsoever in changing the current government’s administration, nor in leading the way for civil rights in new liberal causes. Before the service was over, he managed to plug his book. Finally he announced watermelon was available for all (which may have drawn the most enthusiastic response of the night). To me, it felt much more like a civic gathering than worship.

I am grateful for the country in which I live, and thankful that I have the freedom to worship and share my faith with others without fearing persecution. Yet I hope that I would live no differently in any other part of the world. While I appreciate my country, I don’t feel the need to say it’s the greatest one on earth, as the preacher emphasized to great applause. My loyalty is to God’s kingdom, not any one in this world. I read once that American and Chinese Christians have more in common than Christian and non-Christian Americans. Do we really live like that is the truth?

I wonder if this attitude starts with believing that we have heaven all wrapped up, we’re “on the list.” This ascribes us to the secular viewpoint that the “now” doesn’t really impact the “then”. We can celebrate our country’s achievements yet ignore its mistakes. We can support presidents who lie to us, because their names are recorded in the book of life. We can say that America is the greatest nation on earth without pondering where that leaves our loyalty to the Kingdom of God.

In fact, as Dallas Willard is fond of teaching, “the Kingdom of Heaven is at hand”. We’re already doing our Kingdom work. And in my humble opinion, working on the governments of the kingdom of the world is a waste of time. We should be doing work that furthers God’s Kingdom – and that means it’s done without regard for earthly borders, languages, or nations.

At home, I attend an orthodox Episcopal church. I didn’t need to look any farther than the Book of Common Prayer to learn what a different service my faith community experienced on the Fourth of July. The lectionary listed this Gospel reading:

Matthew 5:43-48
You have heard that it was said, “You shall love your neighbor and hate your enemy.” But I say to you, Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, so that you may be children of your Father in heaven; for he makes his sun rise on the evil and on the good, and sends rain on the righteous and on the unrighteous. For if you love those who love you, what reward do you have? Do not even the tax-collectors do the same? And if you greet only your brothers and sisters, what more are you doing than others? Do not even the Gentiles do the same? Be perfect, therefore, as your heavenly Father is perfect.

My church doesn’t have big screens, but if it did, I highly doubt that images of war or the statue of liberty could have been shown in response to that passage.

When we choose to follow Christ, we choose a life of slavery. Liberty and freedom are irrelevant. The idea of our “rights” should be a foreign concept. Our lives are not our own. We only cling to Jesus and do our best to live like he did.

I hope that Christians will think carefully about the potential impact of our country's great power and wealth – not just for America's benefit, but the world's. Are we more concerned with protecting our institutions and way of life than saving lives in other countries? Have we grown so nationalistic that we prefer to vote on ethnocentric ideologies while millions face poverty, terror, disease, and death?

The billions spent on war could perhaps be better used elsewhere. A nation known for feeding the world’s hungry would probably not need to worry about terrorist attacks on its own soil.

Good work on this problem has begun, as yesterday's "Live 8" concerts showed. Take action - check out the One campaign, or True Majority, or the Christian Alliance for Progress. Let's do something now that will have eternal impact - and will help someone other than ourselves.

Sounds like a good Independence Day resolution.

Buttwipe

So people meet J and me and, upon finding out that he's got a master's in Philosophy of Religion and is doing a PhD in philosophy focusing on ethics and aesthetics, and I'm working on an MDiv with a concentration in worship, theology and the arts, they always say to us, "You guys must have the most fascinating conversations!"

Or they get scared and leave the room.

But you know what we talk about? Well, just now we were having a most illuminating discourse on the etymology of the word "buttwipe." From what source did this insult from our childhood derive? Back in the day, they didn't have the Cottenelle moist wipes that J calls "buttwipes" - basically baby wipes for adults. So why did we call one another "buttwipe?"

I suggested perhaps it had something to do with a person being so stupid that I would wipe my butt with them.

This, my friends, is the conversation of intellectuals.

And really, people complain to no end about the potty humor in movies, but do you know why it's there? Because people like us need to laugh at something asinine now and then. We can't always be on. Shakespeare, J points out, wrote plenty of potty humor. It's a fine tradition.

Hmmm...I might have to go watch my all-time favorite religious film, Dogma. The best of both my worlds.

Lament

So here is a lament psalm. It was a class assignment, and it's not great. But I wasn't supposed to spend more than a couple hours on it. Maybe I'll keep touching it up.

O Lord, your temple is besieged,
Your holy dwelling-place filled with the unjust!
They perform empty ceremonies,
Making idols with your name.
The prayers of the unjust rise like smoke;
Like black soot are their praises.
They come before you as children,
As little ones without understanding;
Your priests strive to teach them,
Your apprentices seek to nourish them,
They offer food to the infants,
Their good food is rejected.

We are rent as a garment,
Israel’s fabric pulls at the seams,
We stress to the breaking-point,
Tearing away from our Lord.

The Lord is the mighty one of Israel
Who brought his people out of bondage.
He sent his son to proclaim good news of love
And apostles to prepare his Bride.
The Lord is full of steadfast love
And his faithfulness to his people endures forever.

O Lord, rise up and heal,
Mend the divisions of Israel!
Do not neglect your servants,
Who seek to understand your will!

The Lord will not stay silent,
He despises injustice in his name.
The Lord will not honor their ceremonies,
Nor let them worship falsely in his name.
He will hold the unjust accountable,
And will spit them out of his mouth.
He will guide his people to the comb
And with sweet truth he will fill them.

Therefore I will praise the Lord,
I will make my praise before the assembly.
I will study and gain knowledge,
I will open my mind to the wonders of the Almighty.
I will cry out to my God,
I will demand justice for the oppressed.
I will serve the Lord’s will,
And I will forever proclaim his desires to the people.

I et the pizza

And it was good.

Ugh

I get so overwhelmed and disgusted.

Last year, when I worked full-time for a journalism school, I kept on top of everything going on in the world. I read three or four newspapers every day, plus I read dozens of stories from all over the world pertaining to religion that I found on the Revealer or Christianity Today's weblog. I cared deeply about the election (there's some wasted energy) and about the future of our country, our planet, our faith. I even stopped eating animals, both for health, and also because I was sick of the violence it perpetuated. And I went to seminary because I cared about these things.

Now I am tired. I tried to look at the CT blog and it's still the same issues (ex-gay therapy, Anglican split, oh, here's a new one - the Southern Baptists have lifted their ban on Disney - lots of good I'm sure that did). I used to find world politics fascinating - now I find it depressing. I loved following American politics too - now it's veering so far from reality that it just pisses me off.

Sadly, I want to retreat into the ivory tower. I want to bury myself in my books and studies. Is the world going to care anyway? And what is the church's role in all this? It's so confused. What are we really supposed to be doing? I mean, what will actually advance the kingdom of God?

I do my homework and my job and go to class and when I get to rest I either read more about Christianity or, God help me, I watch reality television. At least that Kitchen show. And the one about being a Hilton. And the Beauty and the Geek (that one is actually very sweet - it's all these people learning to look past surface appearances). And the home makeover show, which makes me cry every time. I also have been escaping into movies. I bought Luther, Saved!, and Simone the other day. Man, that Saved is freaking hilarious.

I guess I did read the book about Iran (and have subsequently found myself reading everything I can about their recent "election"). Despite my best efforts, any honest attempt to discover some kind of truth about the world will, inevitably, lead me back to facing the world, and its problems, and my own inadequacy and fear and compassion.

You know what I want to do? Eat a pizza and move to Paris. How's that for indulgence? *sigh* We are just not called to such luxuries. But I am tired. Sometimes caring so much makes you so. I think JC knew that.

Little of this and that

So how was my conference?

Well it was fine, although much of it was retread from other classes and talks I've attended. The people not from Fuller seemed to enjoy it a great deal. There was a little more mime-ing than I care to see - I simply don't think it's something that many churches can present well, nor is it particularly relevant or very entertaining for people my age, and therefore it should not be so much of a focus. It seems like we'd benefit more from artistic suggestions that could actually be implemented at a majority of churches in an effective way. But of course that will always largely depend upon the particular ways the HS has gifted any given congregation. Perhaps what is needed is less showing-off of certain types of art (dance, mime, music by the guy who used to backup Elton John--like yeah, we all have musicians of that caliber!) that only an institution like Fuller can really access. Perhaps we should be instead educating pastors to a) find the gifts of their congregation's artists and then b) empower the use of those gifts. There are some curricula out there, but more could be written. Maybe I should get on that.

I'm supposed to guest write on another blog starting next week. I don't even have time to write on here! What have I gotten myself into? Well I will at least post a link to it when I write there.

I'm really loving my Writings class. It's all happening really fast (5 weeks total), and it's kind of swirling around me at the moment. But I love these stories! And I love the emotion in the Psalms and Ecclesiastes and Job. So much humanity. Lately I've been thinking maybe I should just become an OT scholar! But I have to see how Hebrew agrees with me first. It's what killed my Dad - he had to leave DTS and go to another sem that didn't require it!

So for writings I can write a paper about a couple of novels and/or movies and/or songs, about how they present what it means to be human, and how the Writings can enrich and inform them (not the other way 'round). Any ideas, guys? I just finished Reading Lolita in Tehran, which is great, by the way. I wonder if that could be used. I'm sure if I thought about it 5 minutes things would come to mind, but I'm just bouncing around in so many things at the moment that it's hard to focus.

I did have a talk with my professor about whether I belong at Fuller. He affirmed my suspicions that my Epis polity class was actually more conservative than the majority of Fuller students and particularly Epis Fuller students. That was a relief. I have to remember that I chose this denomination because
OH....Bob Dylan is playing..."like a rol-ling stone"...love that...excuse me while I jam for a moment.
right because they are so diverse! I love the broadness of God's mercy that is affirmed by the Anglican Communion. And I also have to trust, as Dr. G reminded me, that my faith has evolved to this place because God's led me here. I don't think I've been misled, and I certainly having been trying to drive this train. Things happen around me and I pay attention. Opportunities come up and I grab them. Disappointments happen. The future is uncertain. It's all life. It's all part of this journey, and I really am just enjoying the ride. Like a complete unknown. Like a rolling stone.

Oh, hell I can't write when Bob's singing to me.

A few thoughts on the women of Esther

Esther was a woman of her times, and the story was written in and for a patriarchal society. At first glance, she comes off as a victim of circumstance, used by the men around her. She is hauled off to a beauty pageant and made a queen without her consent. She takes her life into her hands when confronting the king at the behest (and guilt trip) of her guardian Mordecai. One could wonder if she had any thoughts of her own at all!

But there is more to Esther. She uses a uniquely feminine approach to getting her way: utilizing her beauty, a few good meals, wine, weeping, and fainting in the extended version – all things that women have used for centuries to exploit men’s weaknesses. She is skilled at using her “feminine wiles,” but that doesn’t necessarily make her three-dimensional. One could still argue that she only does as she is told by Mordecai, admittedly using some brilliant methods to accomplish her tasks.

Digging under the surface of the story we discover there is more to Esther than being men’s puppet. She must have been deeply conflicted at the discovery of the conspiracy against her people. Despite Mordecai’s arguments, in the end, she still had to decide to face the king. One moment she is refusing Mordecai’s request and the next she has resigned herself to possible death – obviously an inner struggle has changed her heart. She is brave and cunning, and uses her womanhood as her weapon.

Whether it is authentic or not, we learn much more about Esther’s inner life in the extended Greek (Septuagint) version of the story. In the additions, she is fleshed out into a three-dimensional character, with her own motivations and fears and thoughts, rather than just being influenced by the men around her. She has a healthy spiritual life and is quite a humble person, not enamored of her royalty at all. She is more obviously a woman to be emulated in the longer version. I highly recommend finding a copy.

Vashti: I recall that when I heard this story growing up, I was given the impression that Vashti kind of had it coming – she was portrayed as a “feminazi” who was being unreasonable. But in re-reading the story, I see that we are not told why she didn’t come to the king. Maybe she was sick, or it was that time of the month – or something more serious. It wasn’t necessarily just a bad hair day or her being obstinate. I think Vashti frequently gets a bad rap from a chauvinistic husband and society (both hers and ours). It would be a fun experiment to rewrite the whole story from her perspective. Some do see her as the ultimate feminist, standing up against the man (when Esther used more traditional "womanly" methods of getting her way). But we really just can't know, can we?

Zeresh is also an interesting character – she is another wise woman in the story. She pleases her husband with her vicious suggestion of a gallows, but she also sees through him and predicts his downfall. She is another example of the strength and insight of women, though in her case, she is beholden to the villain – she is the yin to Esther’s yang.

This is a time when people’s lives are not their own. The royal power decided whether they lived or died. Vashti’s refusal to acknowledge the king’s power led to her death. Mordecai’s empowerment of Esther’s position leads to the saving of their lives. The power of a royal edict – of the king himself – is recognized and exploited throughout the story by both Haman and Esther/Mordecai. When power is used to selfish ends (as by Haman), it becomes a satisfyingly destructive weapon. When it is used for the sake of others (as by Esther), it effects good. Interestingly, in using her womanly power, Esther subverts the king’s power (causing him to change his edict), and the ultimate power over life and death is granted back to the Jews (who don't necessarily use this power wisely).

The vision of womanhood in the story is difficult to discover under the prejudices we bring to the text. I believe the story understands women to be wiser, less emotional, and more rational than men (Esther is the one who points out the laws of the land to Mordecai, after all, and the potential hopelessness of his suggestion). However, because of the society in which they lived, they had to find ways to influence men, rather than exerting their own influence, to change their circumstances. Vashti rejects this power (for whatever reason), and is punished. Zeresh has won over Haman (by such great ideas as the gallows) and feels courageous enough to proclaim his downfall. Esther, though fearful, knows that she is uniquely positioned to influence the king, and finds the way of doing that which honors both of their roles in the relationship.

A final thought: As I read of the slaughter propagated by the Jews at the end, it sounds like they were not simply acting in self-defense, but going overboard. Suddenly they were feared by their neighbors, and they used this power to bloody ends. No one is innocent. Although the Jews are saved, they fall victim to the selfishness and greed of the power that was once used against them.

Corpus Christi

A sermon by Canon Howard Stringfellow, Diocese of Bethlehem.

+ In the Name of the True and Living God: Father, Son, and Holy Ghost. Amen.

The grass, sometimes, is greener on our side of the fence. We can be forgiven for thinking our ecclesiastical controversies are sharper and fiercer, and more consequential, than many of the past. And if we can be forgiven, we should seek forgiveness the best way we know: by hitting the nearest kneeler or hassock and asking for it and by taking comfort, which means strength, from the Holy Sacrament, the Sacrament of Unity, the very unity of Christ's body.

Many of us take that view, that our conflicts and our situations, beyond being ours, are somehow more difficult, more challenging, more daunting than those our forebears and predecessors knew. We like our problems, and we wallow in them, mired yet still fully able to wring our hands. But this narrowness and provincialism need forgiveness and correction which is ours by God's gift in the gift of his body and blood.

On July 16, 1724, the Blessed Sacrament was carried in procession around a church in the Polish city of Torun. One account of what happened next tells of a "mean Lutheran burgher" who, with exceptional audacity, refused to bare his head. Appalled at such blasphemy, one of the Jesuit students pulled off the offending hat from the head of the offensive Protestant. For these troubles that student was promptly assaulted by other Lutherans and locked up. Other Jesuit students, apparently unknown to their teachers, then kidnapped and locked up a Lutheran, with the intention of making an exchange of prisoners. This, in turn, prompted a mob to attack the Jesuits' college, where, having beaten up some priests and torn down some altars, they "hewed down the sacred statues and tore and hacked to pieces the images, and especially that of the Holy Virgin." They then dragged to the public square before the schools the statue of the Blessed Virgin and others, where they burned them openly, impiously exulting and leaping over and around the fire.

I am indebted to Jonathan Wright's account of this public spectacle in his year-old book, God's Soldiers, for reminding me by this example of the enduring Eucharistic controversy that our controversies have not yet been fully mined to produce a lode of the highest quality of discord, the purest ore of public degradation. If we think our controversies more important or unique, then we should ask for the forgiveness that narrowness deserves, and we should hesitate before we think ourselves more challenged, more attacked, and more put upon for standing up for our beliefs.

As the Sacrament of Unity, as the body and blood of the Lord, the Eucharist, and how we believe in it, understand it, participate in it, and celebrate it, witnesses to other Christians and to the world that we believe that Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners, as we read in the First Letter of Saint Paul to Saint Timothy.

For the first one thousand years of the church's history, the Eucharist was viewed primarily as a sacred action. The ancient church insisted that the Sacrament was instituted for the sanctification of the people of God. Thus, according to the early theologians, the purpose of the Eucharist was not so much to make Christ present among us as to be our sacrifice and sacrificial meal. The effects of the Eucharistic action, distributing the benefits of Christ's passion, claimed those early Christians' first and fullest attention, for through the Eucharist and by participation in the Eucharist, Christ saves sinners.

Our controversies, for the most part, touch upon other questions of the church's life. But we need to continue to understand something. The Feast of Corpus Christi is important to us not so much for knowing how Jesus is present in the bread and the wine as knowing why that Presence is a life-and-death matter. We must, as the Gospel today proclaims, eat his flesh and drink his blood; for if we do not, as Christ says to us in the Gospel today, "you have no life in you."

The Eucharistic action, the offering and the blessing of the bread and the wine, the breaking of the bread, and the distribution of both, incorporates sinners into the divine life: this is the heart of the Eucharist and the heart of the Gospel. We are not just spirits and souls; we are bodies as well, and sin wastes us, body and soul. When the Son of God took our nature, he particularly took our flesh and blood, and he dedicated them entirely to our salvation. Christ's humanity, body and soul, is in perfect union with his divinity. That union is not marred by sin. His body and his blood are medicine to our infirmity, food and drink to our hunger and thirst.

As food for our hunger and drink for our thirst, Saint Thomas Aquinas, too, elaborates the importance of the Real Presence, setting aside, if only for a moment, his definition of that Presence. Hear him do so: Christ "offered his body to God the Father on the altar of the cross as a sacrifice for our reconciliation. He shed his blood for our ransom and purification, so that we might be redeemed from our wretched state of bondage and cleansed from all sin. But to ensure that the memory of so great a gift would abide with us forever, he left his body as food and his blood as drink for the faithful to consume in the form of bread and wine."

As surely as the Jesuit sinned in lifting the "mean Lutheran" burgher's hat, and as surely as the Lutherans sinned in attacking the Jesuits' college, we also find ample occasions to sin in our controversies. Doubtlessly, we think we are right; doubtlessly, we think others are wrong; perhaps we believe we have to be the ones to hold out for the right. We might be happy in thinking ourselves right forever but for this. The humanity of our opponents and those with whom we disagree, too, has been incarnated. Christ took their flesh, not just ours. Christ shows no partiality. He is no respecter of persons. He came to save us all. Christ has opened the way of salvation for all sinners, whether they be right or wrong about this or that. And, further, being right doesn't relieve us of the need to partake in Christ's sacrifice and to eat his sacrificial meal. And neither does being wrong disqualify us from participating and receiving. The Sacrament of Unity saves us all in our blindness and in our sight, in our rightness and in our wrongness, and in our strength and in our weakness. On this great Feast and at the end of this and every day, in the Eucharist, Jesus does to us what he does to the bread and the wine in the miracle of the Mass: we become the Corpus Christi. So, let us take and eat with love and reverence, and let us by God's grace live up to what we have received and to what Christ calls us to be.

In the Name of God the Father, God the Son, and God the Holy Ghost. Amen.

I thought we lived in Eastertide...

Here's something I wrote during one of the morning worship sessions at my conference. I hope it makes sense. I was typing on my lap in a pew. Still, pretty heady stuff for 8 am, if I do say so myself.

This morning the choir sang an anthem then we sang "In Christ Alone". Both songs heavily emphasized the death of Christ, especially his blood (that covers me). And I began to wonder if it was still Holy Week and I'd missed something. I was thinking about when my church would sing these songs, and I think it would primarily be on Good Friday. Maybe once in a while other times (though certainly not during feast seasons), but there would probably not be two songs in a row that would be entirely about the death of Christ.

I've read that the Protestant church is stuck in Good Friday and rarely makes it to Easter. Or at least, Easter is acknowledged but the life after Easter, the eternal life, is not really enjoyed or celebrated.

I believe that Christ's death is important to the Christian faith - but is it absolutely the central event? Or is Christ's life? Or is the incarnation itself - the death of God is certainly impressive, but the fact of God becoming human may have been even more a "crisis in the life of God", as Jack Miles puts it.

I don't know. I am receding from a sotierology that is so focused on death and pain. Somehow I find that not fitting to the character of God - particularly this idea that God somehow demanded the death of God's son. Or at least, that the death had to be so violent and painful. Could Jesus have died of old age and accomplished the same? Or better yet, could Jesus simply never have died, accomplishing the defeat of death?

Yet Jesus changed upon his resurrection into whatever this new form he is in now is. A form that some believe we will one day take on. Or will we remain in our normal bodies? As a child, I simply wanted to be able to fly, or play on clouds, or walk through walls. I thought the new body sounded fun. But I didn't think much about any deeper implications.

Do we stand at the foot of the cross perpetually? Must we forever proclaim the death of Christ? Or should we proclaim the life, or resurrection, of Christ? Or, should we be proclaiming the life we live now - the union with God,the communion with the Divine, which we are offered through apprenticeship to Christ?

What is salvation? My husband said once that it is the opportunity to live a life infused with the life of God. To join God's plan - already going on fine without you, mind. To quote a very popular, mostly incoherent book, "it's not about you." So salvation may not be about Jesus dying just for my sins or your sins. That might be just a mite too focused on us.

I don't know why I retract, and even feel angry, when the focus is so strongly on the death and suffering of Christ. I guess that just feels like an ugly religion. A religion focused on someone's death! And not just anyone, but the person we worship! Sounds a little nuts.

The focus is, yes, on the resurrection...but it's also on the incarnation. And the miraculous plan and actions of God throughout the First Testament. And the final victory proclaimed in Revelation. And the working out of Christian faith in everyday life as in the epistles. And dare I suggest the ongoing work of God for the last 2000 years - the continuing evolution of God's plan, of the Christian faith. There is so much more to our story than Jesus' death.

The death songs led to a song about being called. The death is supposed to be what makes us want to be called, to follow. I've never personally found death all that inspiring. I think it's a bad thing. I've had a lot of death in my life - particularly young people, and many members of my family - and it's really just not usually very pretty.

The death. Then the guilt. Then the call and perhaps the life. One song even said that "no guilt" was part of God's life in us. I believe with all my heart that is true. Yet in so many of our churches we behave as if the guilt is so necessary! For salvation (must recognize we are sinners and repent), for coming to the Lord's table (don't come unless you've made peace with your brother!), for keeping us "straight" in every day life (the guilt associated with any minor infraction).

I am so surprised and dismayed by the many Christians I know - some that I am very close to and love dearly - who are completely focused on their sinfulness. They cannot see themselves living as saints. And I would say they are not living the full life of God. Are they even living, truly, as Christians?

Christianity is a funny business. I think it is a lot more positive than we give it credit for. I think it's focused on very different things than we think. Let us enter the life of God - with fear, of course, but also not. Let us experience our life in God as a blessing. With thankfulness, of course - but also with confidence. It is God's good pleasure to love us and live with us forever. We need only accept.

Scratching backs

In the interest of payback, I'm posting a link to a new story by Jeff Sharlet. Jeff's given me a couple shout-out's over at the Revealer (which, sadly, isn't updating as often these days - a major loss), and I figure it's only fair. Although I highly doubt that I need to publicize for him!

http://harpers.org/SoldiersOfChrist.html

So here's something I've been working on this morning: is Esther a feminist book? I think maybe. It was always presented to me as otherwise, but reading between the lines I'm getting the idea that maybe in fact it's all about the (subversive) power of women. I'll post some more of my thoughts on this later. I'm sure I'm behind the curve on this one, but I always appreciate it when such a well-known story can still surprise me.

Hi, I'm back

And I will sloooowly get around to posting stuff, but right now I'm trying to pace myself. We got home yesterday afternoon, and the cats had peed on everything. Then the rental car company (BUDGET!) screwed up and we paid for it. Then I went to class for four hours. Then I got up and went to work but my boss and I crossed signals and didn't meet, so it was a waste of 4 hours of time.

Anyway, I am tired and cranky and don't much feel like telling yet another person how was my trip, so you'll have to wait.

I will cut-and-paste some of what I doodled last night during my first class on the Writings (OT) with Dr. John Goldingay.

Tonight first class with Dr. Goldingay on writings. He's wearing a Coldplay t-shirt (in navy) and blue and white striped shorts. He's already gotten the class laughing and we've sung a psalm (As the Deer). We get a half-hour dinner break - that's a good thing and very considerate. He's also invited us all to his condo for a couple of evenings of discussion (with spouses).

(he says that's the first time we've laughed even though he's told 17 jokes)

The purpose of the OT is NOT to prophesy the Messiah. God inspired the writings to serve the community at their time.

Proverbs says: these are the rules for life, try them and they'll work; Job and Ecclesiastes say no they don't! (David Alan Hubbard)

Daniel is not a prophet to Hebrews (and not listed as such in the book). He's a "wise man".

Insists upon using a gender-inclusive translation and in papers.

Protestantism has replaced the Pope by Professors.

Prayer is saying back to God what God says to you - claiming the character of God.

Going silent

Sorry to the blog, I am going radio silent for a while. I have to finish up this quarter, and then I'm going to a conference and a very mini vacation. Then I'll start up a new quarter. We'll see what I have time to write about when the dust settles. I'm sure there will be many things to report from the conference. Here's where I'm going:
http://www.brehmcenter.com/Events/Worship_Summit.shtml

It's going to be very emergy. Hopefully I can handle it. I've started Eddie Gibbs' book and it's very good so far. It's called Church Next and it's about all the mistakes churches have been making that have led to their demise. He doesn't really offer solutions, though - at least he says he's not going to, in the intro to the book. We'll see if he can help himself.

I'm actually attempting to read a book for fun Reading Lolita in Tehran. J read it for a class this last quarter and liked it a lot, and it's been on my list for some time. So far I'm really enjoying it. I'm learning a lot about totalitarian regimes in the Middle East, too.

Anyway, must get back to work. Am helping to finish up a proposal for $700,000 for our program! V. exciting.

Cheers to you all. Will miss you.

Sinfest

This is one of our favorite comics. It can't be published because of the "adult content." Sometimes it gets stupid. But it is frequently hilarious, poignant, and astute. Plus anything with God and the Devil (and a persnickity cat) as main characters gets my attention.

I'm enjoying the last couple days - Slick is presenting to God his list of what he does and does not like about the world. He proclaims that "God likes honest feedback." One of my favorites ever was when he was being attacked by the good Christians on the comic and he said, "Hey, I'm down with the Lord and shit." and they said, "I don't know what to make of that." That's my life comic.

There have been puppet shows from God ridiculing the devil, and the Devil's quit because he's felt trapped by fate in his profession, and the cat constantly mocks the dog. But the original is probably still the best: http://www.sinfest.net/d/20000117.html

Sorry I am not being more thoughtful. I am tired. Want to finish papers!!

June Free for All

The fine folks at LA.Com have put together a list of free things going on in June. If you live in the LA area, check it out.
http://www.la.com/attractions/guideme/junefreeforall/39677

I'm always happy to find something free to do!

To delete or not to delete...

I am struggling with what to do. It would be really easy to hit that little trash can icon and delete all the comments. But I feel like that's playing dirty. And I would be fulfilling the role of "hider from debate."

Plus, I see all these comments as kind of a snapshot of the power of anonymity and the new world of the blog. I mean, in the days when we could still see our neighbors (you know, before the 20 ft hedges), could we have approached someone off the bat with such vitriol? I imagine it would have taken at least some kind of relationship before you could really lay into another human being.

And I also think it's all just more evidence of the fallenness of this world. At one point last night, late when I couldn't sleep, I got all kinds of weird ideas like maybe I was being attacked spiritually. Does the devil blog? If so, does he delete comments? Maybe just those from God.

Anyway that is not like me, to go all spirit-wacky, but that's how weird the whole thing is. It's just so out of the blue to be sitting there one day, going about your business, and then a person - actually, just words, not even a person - goes ballistic on everything you've mused on for the last several months. Just think about that. It's weird. It's something that could only happen now.

So for the moment, the comments are staying, if for no other reason than anthropological interest. We are a strange species.

One more thing that I thought about today: I wonder if when Paul is talking about unclean talk, he's referring more to the content of speech than to dirty words. I mean, is my saying "fuck" about something really worse than someone else saying that "God hates fags"? Is my saying that I'm pissed off (righteously) because of a perceived slight to my Lord worse than someone who tears down the humanity of another being? I just don't think so. Probably none of it is very good. But it's definitely more a social thing than a Christian thing. I have a hard time believing God cares very much about the grunts we make in our primitive tongues (yet being a wordsmith, I have to hope my grunts speak to my fellow cavepeople).

You know, I have nothing else to say about that at the moment that I feel is worth sharing. I'm going to try to get back to freedom, but know that I'm self-censoring in a huge way right now.

And what about pints? Is anybody in LA? Or I'll be in Utah, Idaho, Colorado and Vegas in a couple weeks...? And then in Iowa...
(how about me, the big world traveler!)

God sends cats

Last night I was having something of a problem, and I tried to go to bed but of course the voices in my head were having trouble shutting up.

And I began one of these prayers that's like God what am I...who am I...why am I...

And then the cat jumped up, stuck her face in mine, snuggled up and purred.

I don't know if it is God or if it is the cat. But their little lives put things in perspective, don't they? To be a being that simply loves...what a concept.

They have a sense of what is wrong in the air - it keeps them alive in the wild, and it puts them on the laps of those who'd rather not take them. And it brings them running when we send our little stress pheremones into the air.

Here's something I wrote about my cat that was actually published in the Fuller lit journal this year (although I personally don't think it's that great):

The Messenger

I sit with eyes closed
struggling to Be Still
and Know

But she is weaving through my legs.

I give up and allow her on my chest.

She approaches me
with so little understanding of who I am,
so much selfish desire,
such inability to communicate.

She loves me, but only for her own gain.
She trusts me, but only insofar as I care for her.
She comes to me, but only for her comfort and solace.

But then she looks up at me
and her purr rumbles in my chest
and she closes her eyes
pressing her head in my chin,

And I realize
that no matter how vast the chasm between our minds,
I live for these moments.

And I realize
that He does too.

Jen, that one was for you. Be inspired! (hope you're not a dog person)
Stasi

ps. Cat who doesn't like to cover in the box just left me a present. Coincidence? I think not.